evil stepmonster

To Kayla; now that you're One

2010-08-04T21:51:00.003+10:00

This is not going to be the usual wordsmithed blog that you have become accustom to from this site, the reason for this is that it’s Lou’s DH writing this. It took me a while to decide to do this and even longer to work out the passwords, unfortunately the news is very bad, We lost Lou in August this year. You were all a great support for Lou and a large and enjoyable part of her (our) life. I thought it only fair to let you know what happened, Lou was taken off the drug trial due to the rapid growth of existing tumors as well as the detection of others, we then went on to chemotherapy which had no effect and told she had 3 months to live, about 9 days later she passed.

We ended up having a great birthday party for Kayla early in August complete with jumping castles and all the bells and whistles, we fluked it for great weather and Lou was having a good day and was up and about , we really couldn’t have asked for it to be better, It was made all the more unreal that the people that were having a great time with us on Sunday, 13 days later, were at her funeral.

Lou rang me on the Wednesday while I was at work saying that the regular blood results had got back and that she was having trouble getting on top of the pain, this wasn’t anything we hadn’t experienced before except that the doctor had requested that she get an ambulance to the local hospital to treat the pain more effectively, I got home to find Lou a bit concerned but in good spirits, with Lou’s parents looking after Kayla, I followed the ambulance to the hospital, on arrival at the hospital we discussed with the doctors that she had radiation treatment booked for Friday in Melbourne and at that time the hospital staff booked transport to take her to Melbourne via ambulance for Friday morning, again Lou was great once the pain had been treated, we both thought that this was precautionary measure after advise from the resident doctor and remembering that only a few days ago the Melbourne professor had given us 3 months. It was not until late Thursday when doctors advised us that we should cancel our radiation appointment as Lou had deteriorated over night that the alarm bells started going, again at no time were we given any indication from staff just how serious her condition had become, at this point I contacted family and friends to let them know that it wasn’t going to be a two night stay as originally thought. Lou said as a fleeting comment “I hope I am going home” I remember saying don’t even think that. But then the cruncher was on Friday while I was in the middle of swapping with Lou’s parents looking after Kayla so Lou’s parents could be with her for a few hours in the afternoon and Lou was by herself for not longer than half an hour the doctor came in and told her that she wouldn’t be going home. Lou was fairly heavily medicated and very distressed and rang me. The next hour was a bit of a blur as I raced to Lou’s side and tried to make sense of the situation with grief, anger and sympathy exploding inside me, my only concern was Lou. Family and friends called in over the next 24 hours and Lou would wave in and out of conciseness but was coherent enough to chat to everyone, her two best friends stayed the night on Friday, It was Saturday night after many visitors with Lou’s waking times becoming further apart, it was just Lou and I by ourselves just holding hands, we did this a lot, it might sound corny but we used to lie in bed and hold hands and talk for hours laugh and cry, this night it was just me doing the talking and crying as I watched her breaths become shallower and further apart until nothing.

I can tell you how hard its been for me juggling my 2 older kids at home my work with 15 staff and my little 13 month old girl but it just doesn’t compare to how hard it would have been for my beautiful wife to leave her perfect daughter behind.

I love telling everyone about Lou’s Blog and the amount of comments she gets, Please leave a comment I would love to print them out and show our daughter one day. Thanks again

Below is a poem that was written by my 15 year old daughter that was read out at the service

I was sitting in my room, looking at your picture.
Wondering why you couldn't make it to my future.
Uncontrollable tears stream down my face,
While my heart beat starts to race.
Asking God why he took you from my life,
It was more painful than stabbing me in the heart with a knife.
I still needed you here
you were the one to make everything so clear.
You are a part of me and I am apart of you
when you died a part of me died too.
I never knew how hard it was to lose someone you love
until the day you went to heaven above.
Even though I can't see,
I know you’re up there watching over me.

You were the best friend I ever had

And you were there for me through the good times and the bad.

I love and miss you more than you knew

You taught me so much, I want to thank you.

I miss hearing your voice and seeing your smile

Just being with you and hanging out a while.

A thousand times we needed you.

A thousand times we cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

A heart of gold stopped beating,

Two twinkling eyes closed to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove he only took the best.

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me,

Or that you were the best mum, better than any could be.

I love you Lou. I Always Will.

Reconnecting

2010-07-15T17:45:00.003+10:00

I have been spending a lot of time in bed lately. And hospital. My latest side effect is anaemia. I have been having blood transfusions every couple of weeks. One week in bed... one good week... another week in bed... Fun and games.... Shits and giggles....

DH has been trying to talk me into putting a tv in the bedroom, but I have resisted. He decided that he misses reading my blog so went to buy me an i-pad - despite my objections to the cost. In the end he decided it didn't have enough power and bought me a laptop at 3 x the price. There is a lot of Tim the Toolman in my husband.

Despite the anaemia, the Oncologist has been happy with my response to the trial drug. The first lot of CT and MRI scans in June showed all tumours had shrunk in size to varying degrees. Results for the 2nd lot of scans are due tomorrow and no-one is quite so optimistic. The lymph node tumours under my arm have visibly increased in size over the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure if they will keep me on this trial if that is the case. I am expecting not. We are meeting the Oncologist at 10am tomorrow. My anxiety levels are through the roof and keep leaking out my eyeballs.

On a brighter note, my baby girl is almost a year old! She is the most gorgeous thing and I just adore her. She is still doing the commando tummy crawl but has started to pull herself up and weight bear on her legs just this week. She refuses to talk but has some hilarious facial expressions and waves furiously whenever anyone enters or leaves the room. I must write a big post with photo's for you. I must also organise her birthday party. Bloody hell I'm hopeless - can't make a decision to save my life at the moment.

Thanks for stopping by and thinking of me, I will try to catch up on my reading over the weekend.

Off and running.....

2010-04-30T19:06:00.002+10:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since I last posted. Sorry. Morphine is not my friend.

I am on the trial!
I am on the trial drug!

Officially started last Thursday. Friday I was dancing almost totally pain free. Absolutely ecstatic. Saturday I was in hell. Lower than a snake's belly. It seems that my tender little stomach is taking some extra time to get used to the drug. I think I have experienced the full gamut of listed side effects. This is probably not good for the trial stats and every second day they talk of taking me off the medication, but I am being uncharacteristically assertive. I can do this. My stomach will rise to this occasion (hopefully not literally - again).

This whole trial process has been a roller coaster. The baseline studies have been scary. Latest scans show 'spots' on my lungs and a couple of 'specks' on my brain.

Start

2010-04-01T10:16:00.003+11:00

Yay I have a mutant fast growing cancer gene!!

Its not much I know but its a start at least. This means that I am eligible for the drug trial. I have an appointment next Friday to have all the testing done again at the cancer hospital - I imagine this will be the baseline info for the trial. It will be interesting to see how much Terry The Tumour has grown since Feb.

As you can tell from my last post - I have good days and not-so-good days. The pain meds make me feel dizzy and nauseous and don't seem to block much of the pain, but the next step up are morphine based meds which would mean I couldn't look after Kayla. I decided that if I was only going to be here for a short time then I wanted to 'be here' as much as possible. Probably not so good for DH who has to do so much more around the house, but hopefully not for much longer.

A lovely reader sent me a link to a New York Times article about the drug I hope to trial and they talked about almost instant reductions in tumour size, so hopefully I can get some of my life back soon. Another lovely reader emailed me some info on other drugs in the works so I'm planning on sticking around long enough to try all these new things.

Thanks to everyone still thinking of me and praying for me. I really do appreciate it.

Whinge

2010-03-31T14:46:00.001+11:00

Well its been a month and finally my pathology has made it from one lab in Melbourne to another lab in Melbourne. Woo-friggin-Hoo!

I can't believe the delay. I still don't know if I am eligible for the trial. So needless to say I have not had any treatment yet either. My tumour feels like its getting bigger and the pain is relentless.

I am having a whinge I know but I am so over this waiting thing....

Patience

2010-03-09T09:56:00.005+11:00

I've never considered myself to be a patient person. I'm much more of an instant gratification type of gal. Yet the entire past decade of my life seems to be revolving around waiting. Waiting for medical procedures to start - to finish - to be successful.

I have signed up for a drug trial. The drug company is in the US so my pathology was sent over last week and we are waiting to find if I am eligible. As I understand it the drug targets a certain mutant gene found in fast growing melanoma tumours and (they hope) turns the gene off, so the tumours stop growing, or at least stop growing so fast. Previous trials have shown that some tumours have reduced in size by around 30%. A lovely old Italian man sitting next to DH at the cancer hospital told us that he participated in the last trial. He had been given 3 months to live but now his tumour is 75% smaller than when he started.

Obviously, I really want to get on this trial.

The first hurdle is eligibility. It's a strange new world when I am hoping that my cancer contains a mutant gene that makes it grow faster! The oncologist is 80% sure that it will.

The second hurdle is that the trial is randomised. This means that a computer program on a computer somewhere in the States randomly chooses who gets to try the new drug and who gets the standard chemo treatment. I have been placed on a priority list to start treatment asap, but there is no compassionate bias.

I am trying to think positively. The oncologist thinks another trial will start later in the year if I don't get the new drug on this one. And anyway, maybe the chemo will be just as effective, and there are other new drugs that are also coming on to the market - such as immune system boosters - that are having good results too.

My fingers are crossed and many prayers are being sent off into the ether.

Overwhelmed

2010-02-18T04:34:00.002+11:00

DH and I are overwhelmed my your love and support. DH has tried many times but not been able to read all your comments, so moved by the kindness of strangers.

A huge thank you to my gorgeous bloggy mates Eden, Stacie and Mrs Mask for recruiting extra prayers. We are going to need all the help we can get for this new fight.

My uncle visited today. His 40yo stepson was diagnosed late last year with Stage 4 cancer of the rectum with spots on the liver as well. He's been having chemo for about a month now and the main tumor has reduced from 75mm (same size as my lymph node tumor) to less than 7mm and the liver spots have dramatically reduced as well.

We have been crying every day but we have hope. Hope has always and will always be with us.

I am just anxious to start treatment and get the fight on.

And it just keeps getting better

2010-02-13T18:23:00.002+11:00

The past few days have been horrid.

I had surgery on Thursday to remove some suspect skin lesions. One on my back, one on my thigh and another on the sole of my foot. All pathology came back as benign. Obviously the one on my foot has me laid up for a few days. My parents are here again but this time has really bothered me because I am an invalid. Kayla has a cold and has been crying a lot more than usual, and I can't get up to her, I can't carry her and I can't bath her. I hate it so much. It seems too much like a window to the future....

The Professor finally made contact about my latest scan results. The cancer has spread to my bones - it's in my shoulder, thigh, hip, pelvis and I think a few spots in my back. He said my prognosis is not good - about 8-9 months - but they are trialling a new drug which seems to have some promise. I'm not sure what this means but I will try anything, do anything to gain even just a little more time with my precious family.

My heart is breaking for DH. Imagine what it would be like to be told the person you love may only live another 9 months (unfortunately at least a couple of you know this feeling already and that breaks my heart too.). We haven't told anyone else yet and I don't know if we will. I have so many thoughts and feelings running rampant in my head but truly don't know what else to say right now....

Liver Spots

2010-02-05T08:32:00.002+11:00

I thought liver spots were those brown marks old people get on the backs of their hands. A CT scan yesterday revealed spots on my liver. Not good news apparently. According to the report the lymph nodes in my groin are also enlarged but the Dr did not mention this. Good news is that there is no sign of cancer in my lungs or brain. Possibly something sinister hanging out near my left kidney but other organs look good.

The breast surgeon has been awesome. Since the diagnosis I have spoken to her or her secretary every day. She has organised an absolute barrage of tests for this week and even an appointment with one of the Melanoma experts at the local cancer hospital for today. So hopefully they will move just as quickly and aggressively with treatment.

On a much lighter note.... Kayla had her half birthday yesterday. She is just so happy and gorgeous and is loving spending all this extra time with Grandma and Grandpa.

Cancer Schmancer

2010-02-02T22:10:00.003+11:00

Hello. My name is Louise.

I have cancer.

Melanoma.

Fuck it.

I noticed some swelling in my armpit about 3 weeks ago but didn't think much of it. I knew I had a breast screen appointment on January 27th so I thought I'd mention it then. By then it felt like a hard lump, maybe a bit smaller than a golf ball. The breast specialist scheduled another ultrasound and a needle biopsy of my lymph nodes for February 9th. Two days later the lymph node(s) was the size of a tennis ball and a huge lump had appeared under my collar bone. I rang the specialist again and she did the needle biopsy herself yesterday morning. The results came back as "Atypical", so I had a core biopsy yesterday afternoon to get a bigger tissue sample. She rang with the results today. Cancer. Melanoma. The pathologist checked twice.

We don't have a lot of information yet, but par for the course with me there is a kicker. The kicker is that the cancer in my lymph nodes is a secondary cancer and we don't know where the primary cancer is. And therefore how advanced it is.

I am booked in for some scary bloody radioactive body scan on Friday to help find the sucker. Then hopefully next week I will have surgery again to cut it out and remove the lymph nodes.

I can't get the image of ugly black cancer cells multiplying in my armpit out of my head.

The speed at which this thing appeared scares the fuck out of me.

The fact that I have a six month old daughter scares the fuck out of me.

I want to be there when she gets married, I want to be there when she has a baby of her own.

Infertility kicked my arse but did not beat me. Cancer will not beat me.

Same Same but Different

2010-01-13T11:30:00.002+11:00

The days are flying by so fast. Amazing considering I seem to do the same things all day every day and always end the day thinking "damn I still didn't get to do the ironing"... or wash the floor... or finish decorating bub's room.... A good day sees me showered before DH gets home, the laundry hamper closer to empty than full and the breakfast dishes washed before dinner. These are now the markers of my day - not how many invoices I sent out or how much profit we made last week.

But just when I think I have some kind of a routine happening, Kayla does something to remind me that it is she who is in charge - thank you very much. This week its rolling, and flipping on to her tummy - not so good at bringing her hands up under herself yet, so there's also a lot of flailing legs and mashing her face into the rug. I'd been dragging my feet with the whole moving her out of our room and into her cot thing, when she decided to force the issue and start rolling around in the cradle. Last night was the first night she's slept in her cot. She did much better than I did. I had the baby monitor right beside me but my heart pounded for the first hour because I couldn't hear her breathing which obviously meant she wasn't. I made myself wait for an hour because I knew I was being ridiculous (which is surely ridiculous in itself!).

Another new hobby of hers is talking. She's also been pretty chatty but now she's found a whole bunch of new sounds to play with. I love waking up in the morning listening to her "sing". She has such a such gorgeous girly little voice and she just sounds so happy nattering away to herself. I hope she can sing, a talent I totally missed out on, and play a musical instrument like her dad. Ju.lie Andr.ews was being interviewed on tv this morning and they kept playing footage of her singing "the hills are alive" and Kayla seemed to be listening and smiling, I said "that lady can sing almost as good as mummy", she stopped smiling and turned to me with a very blank look. Ouch!

Monthly post

2009-12-17T14:09:00.002+11:00

One post a month? That is terribly slack of me I do apologise. I think my new years resolution for 2010 will have to be something to do with improving my connections. I've dropped off my blog as well as FB, I haven't been visiting people as much as I'd hoped. The only people I see regularly are the women from the council's weekly "mother's group" - and I doubt that will last much past January.

My friend said to me that other day that her son's first year was the loneliest of her life. I was a bit shocked at the time, but thinking about it I can imagine how that would be. Because I live out of the city people only tend to visit on weekends. My husband's business is expanding at a ridiculous rate and he is having to work huge hours. So I am reluctant to make weekend plans because I want to create space for Kayla and her dad to spend some precious time together. During the week I am racing around trying to get Christmas organised in hourly chunks between sleeps and feeds. Soon enough I will have time to see people and no-one will be interested. I will have time to blog again but will have no readers. Vicious circle.

Mother's groups are an interesting concept aren't they?! Lets get a group of women together who will probably have nothing in common besides the fact they've just had a baby, stick them in a room together and see if they get on! Seriously though, of the seven in my group, six seem really quite nice. But there is always one isn't there? A bit of a nutter, slightly weird, terribly needy person who nobody likes but who is totally oblivious to this fact. And even though everyone else seems to get on reasonably well, this one person will break the entire group apart.

Apart from the gorgeous Kayla, my most loyal companion lately has been 17yo step son Tiger. Having finished school for the year he comes to bludge on our couch for a while and eat all our food (for something so skinny he sure can pack it away!) Kayla squirms and beams at the sight of him as he tells her all the things he has planned for her when she's bigger. It is really quite cute. He played two golf tournaments in a row last week and told his dad that he missed her. I think he's surprised at how easily the connection with her has come. The other two haven't really bothered, they'd be more likely to wait for her to connect with them. Self-absorbed much? But, of course, that is the nature of adolecence I guess.

I am still hanging in there with breastfeeding. The morning feeds (4am and 8am) are mostly breast then maybe again in the afternoon. She has stopped refusing but most times will not feed longer than 5-10 minutes. I don't mind now. Sleeping is improving all the time. We had to stop swaddling because she was fighting it so much, even though she slept much better wrapped. After a few rough nights she now sleeps in a Grobag, from 7-8pm until 4 or 5am. At last measure she was 6kg and 60cm long. She smiles all the time but hasn't found her laugh yet. She's getting so big but is still so small. She faces outwards in the BabyBjorn and has just about outgrown her pram. After Christmas she will move out of our room and into her cot *sigh*

Merry christmas, happy holidays and happy new year!

Breastfeeding

2009-11-18T13:15:00.002+11:00

Its ironic that I was so defiant when Kayla was born against the breastfeeding bullies, protesting that it would make no difference in the long term if she was bottle fed or breast fed. I felt that it was my choice and i would not be bullied into thinking there was only one way to go.

Now I am desperate at the thought of stopping breastfeeding. My milk came in late and my supply has never been great. The milk let down can be incredibly slow and has pretty much always frustrated bub but we have soldiered on and I've come to love the intimacy of feeding. The way she looks at me as she feeds and holds my fingers or strokes my skin.

The past few weeks here have been unseasonably hot here and she has been wanting to feed far more often, so when my supply couldn't keep up I gave her extra bottle feeds. This week she is refusing the breast during the day, but at this stage will still accept night feeds. It started with just the left one - a notoriously slow let downer- but this afternoon she refused the right as well. She turns her head and screams and cries real tears. This afternoon I joined her - and not for the first time.

I am finding it so hard to look at this logically. I can tell myself that she is just being lazy, she wants the instant flow of milk she get from the bottle. We live in an instant gratification driven society afterall - why should babies be immune? She is not rejecting me, she is rejecting the dodgy milk supply offered by my aging breasts. But I am taking it personally. I can't help but feel she is refusing me, rejecting the intimacy I am offering. And that hurts.

I should ring a lactation consultant and see if we can turn this around, but I can't talk about it without crying and that makes me feel like an idiot. It should not matter how my baby is fed as long as she is being fed and putting on weight. It surprises me that I feel so strongly about this.

Other than this issue, everything else is going pretty well. The pediatrician says her heart murmur is just a little flow murmur which may resolve itself with time. She wants to check it again in 6 months.

Cold War

2009-10-15T12:35:00.002+11:00

Does this hat make my cheeks look big?!

We are slowly recovering from our first shared illness. Not sure who started it, but we've both had a crappy cold for about 2 weeks now. A sniffling, sneezing, coughing, head cold. Not too bad but not fun either.

I took Kayla to the Doctor just to make sure her chest was clear, which it was, but the Doc thought she could hear a heart murmur. Hopefully she is wrong, or it is just a temporary effect of the cold. I'm trying to be calm, I'm sure its nothing, but 3 weeks sure seems like a long wait for our appointment with the Pediatrician.

8 weeks

2009-10-05T20:28:00.004+11:00

Wow I missed an entire month! Where did September go? It's now October and my little cherub is 9 weeks old tomorrow.

We have settled into as close to a routine as can be expected. Basically Kayla calls the shots and I respond. She has some quite unsettled periods during the day but thankfully sleeps quite well overnight. She has started to smile and coo which has us all falling under her spell. She is just so special and unique and lovely that I count my lucky stars every day and just drink her in.

The first couple of weeks were harder than I ever expected. My room at the hospital was opposite the staff amenities and the cleaners store room. It was incredibly noisy all hours of the day and night with staff walking past but I found it difficult to get any of them to actually come into the room. My anxiety levels were through the roof. Lack of sleep, pain, a screaming hungry baby and extremely high blood pressure really took their toll and I had a major anxiety attack on the last day. I couldn't believe they were sending me home with this tiny baby whose very life was in my hands when my milk hadn't come in and they hadn't even bothered to show me how to bath her (despite repeated requests).

Naively, I had expected breastfeeding would just happen and so was not prepared for anything else. Poor DH had to race down to the pharmacy to buy formula, bottles and a steriliser before I would leave the hospital. So much emphasis is put on breastfeeding and the world is full of experts on the subject. I did not expect it to be so difficult, but I put up with the screaming, and the disappointment and the bleeding nipples to prove to all the naysayers that feeding my starving baby formula until my milk came in was not the end of the breastfeeding world! My milk didn't come in until around day 10-12, and even now is still quite inconsistent. Thank the Lord for Blessed Thistle herbal capsules!

My parents came to stay for the first couple of weeks which was great because it allowed me to just focus on Kayla without having to worry about dinner or housework. But it was also lovely when they went home!

It has taken a long time for me to shed the feeling that all of this is temporary and one day will be gone. I've felt this since the beginning of the pregnancy and thought it would go once bub was born, but I think it just got worse. Once, around week 2 or 3, I was making a mess out of changing Kayla's nappy and she was starting to cry so I apologised to her and said "Aunty Lou is not very good at this". Ha! Seriously! DH thought it was very sad. Every day now I tell her that I am her mama, trying to make it real more for me I think than her. At times it is still surreal, but I'm trying to relax and just let it sink in that this is forever.

I. Am. A. Mother!

It finally worked! How amazing is that? This little creature who stares intently at me while I feed her, who smiles at me when I talk to her, and gets frustrated with me when I take too long getting her onto the breast. Who grunts and snuffles and farts all night long beside my bed, who stops crying when I hold her close. Who makes me laugh and makes me cry. This tiny creature is mine and I love her with all of my heart and soul.

Does anyone's birth plan ever actually go to plan?

2009-08-17T12:36:00.004+10:00

Months ago I sat with my Obstetrician and wrote a birth plan. May I please have a mostly pain-free vaginal birth. But if the baby's life is even slightly at risk, please feel free to slice me open like a fish. Thank you.

When I saw the Ob on Monday August 3rd, two days past my due date, he said he doubted that I would go into labour on my own so booked me in for an induction on Sunday August 9th.

5am Tuesday August 4th I woke in our swanky inner city apartment and felt the need to pace. I had what felt like menstrual pains that came and went, but mostly I just felt "weird", sort of agitated and hyper. DH got up around 7am and got ready to go to work, but, being the smart guy he is, decided to hang around for a while. By 8.30 the pains were coming every 15 mins or so and I had started spotting so we rang the Obstetrician but he was in surgery. A hospital midwife said to call back if the pains got worse or were coming every 5 minutes.

We started timing the contractions at about 11am, sometimes they were 10 minutes apart, sometimes only 3 or 4 minutes. We rang the Ob again around 12.30pm and when I could not talk through a contraction he decided we should make our way to the hospital.

Time at the hospital has become a bit of a blur but it didn't seem long after we arrived in the labour suite that the contractions really intensified. The midwives changed shifts at 3pm so I think it was around 4 or 5pm that I asked for the gas. The Ob came in around this time and said I was about 3cm dilated. WTF! only 3cm! I was devastated. They predicted that I would labour all through the night. The Ob offered to break my waters but I said no (Don't ask me why - I have no idea).

I think it was about 8pm when the Ob came in again, this time I was 8cm dilated. During the examination my waters broke and an insane amount of fluid gushed all over the bed and the floor. I was becoming pretty distressed with the pain by now and the gas was not helping at all. I said to the Ob "May I please have an epidural now?". Strange what pain does to you - some women become psychotic during labour, I became Little Miss Polite.

What seemed like a VERY LONG time later, an anesthetist came to administer the epidural. The midwife said "in about 15 minutes you will be in love with this man". Many, many, long minutes and 2 top-ups later I HATED that man. The pain was unbearable and the epidural was not working. At some point another examination must have happened because they suddenly started talking about the baby having turned and being in the wrong position and I would have to have a c-section.

They let my mum in to see me but I couldn't talk, I couldn't even cry even though I was so scared. I didn't really understand what was wrong, but suddenly everyone was moving and talking much faster than before. The need to push was overwhelming and although they told me not to, I believe that I did push once or twice.

In theatre they discovered that the epidural catheter had dislodged. They inserted a spinal block and the pain finally stopped. The anesthetist was suddenly very apologetic and friendly, giving us a running commentary all through the procedure. As bub's head emerged he held a mirror up for us to see. All I saw was a fat little blue face sticking out of my belly, but poor hubby told me later he saw more than he'd bargained for. "I've seen your gizzards and I still love you" will go down in our history as one of the most romantic things he's ever said to me ;-)

It seemed a very long time before I heard Kayla cry. The pediatrician later told us it took her two minutes to get Kayla to breathe on her own. Her first APGAR score was a measly 2 points. When she was first shown to me she was absolutely covered in meconium so it was a good thing she didn't breathe any of it into her lungs. Hubby went with them as they took her away to be cleaned and weighed then he took her to see my mum and dad.

We were moved up to the maternity ward about midnight I think. DH was given a terrible fold-out bed to sleep on which somehow he did, but despite feeling totally exhausted I could not sleep. It didn't help that a midwife kept coming in to check my blood pressure every 30 minutes and that Kayla spent the night in the nursery being fed formula because her temperature was too low. I have a vague memory of Kayla being put to my breast at one point but that may have been the next morning. So many thoughts were loose in my head and I couldn't quite believe what had happened. I'd just had a baby! A real, live baby!

She's here!!

2009-08-14T21:37:00.004+10:00

Kayla arrived via emergency c-section at 10.35pm on Tuesday August 4th, 3500gm (7lb 11) and 50cm (20in) long.

We are all home in our almost-finished house so I will try to update in the next day or so.

In the meantime, here's a picture of my little girl.......

Legs crossed

2009-07-23T21:42:00.004+10:00

I was going to start by saying that the lack of posts recently has been due to a lack of creativity but that makes the rather large assumption that I am normally creative and witty. But I'd probably rather you think I was dull (and possibly vain) than know the truth about the last few weeks. Suffice to say that the hormones have been raging, the renovations are continuing and middle stepson, 16 year old Tiger, has moved in with us. I am a bit (!) of a control freak, and have not been coping terribly well with the lack of control, lack of privacy and immense changes that these last few months have brought.

I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel this week however and I'm hoping that the worst has passed. I have had to let go of the notion that the house will be ready before the baby arrives. Next week they start knocking down walls and dismantling my kitchen. I've decided to move into an apartment in the city close to the hospital. I am hoping that bub will arrive a few days later than expected to allow the work to be finished, but I suspect that even if bub was 2 weeks late s/he would still beat the renovations. I don't care if bub and I have to spend the first week or two of his/her life in a hotel or at my mother's house, I need to look after number one. I won't be taking bub home until all the work is done, the dust has settled and the painting has finished. Hey, perhaps I can talk my family into getting me a cleaning team for a day before we get home rather than the usual newborn bibs and blankies! What an awesome idea!

Bub is continuing to rock and roll all day long. My blood pressure is still moderately high but seems to be holding. I'm having it tested every second day and seeing the Ob twice a week. The other night I had some very light, brown spotting and the following night some period-like pains so I feel like everything is ready to go, but apparently bub's head is not even engaged yet. I didn't think it possible but my belly appears to have popped even more and I'm finding it really difficult to feel comfortable in any position for long. But still I love it! I will have to post one last belly shot before the big day.

Still here...

2009-07-07T12:54:00.003+10:00

Sorry for the silence. A few things are going on but everything is fine with bub.

I spent most of last week at my mother's house cashing in on some much needed pampering. It was great to escape from my noisy, busy house and catch up on some quality rest. I think bub appreciated it the most. Every night s/he would put on a show for our hosts by rolling from one side of my stomach to the other. My mother keeps telling me that although this will be her 5th grandchild it's special because she can be more involved with me than with her daughters-in-law. I hadn't really thought about what that meant until we were in the Ob's office and she said she'd never seen an ultrasound. The Ob was gorgeous with her pointing out all bub's features and printing out a pic for her to show off to her girlfriends.

My blood pressure was up a bit high which earned me another round of tests and a repeat visit last Saturday. I failed the Group B Strep test but passed the pre-eclampsia blood and urine tests which was important. We also got to experience the wonderfully named Pregnancy Day Care Centre while they recorded bub's movements over an hour. We had the bags packed for this appointment just in case... and I think DH was disappointed we were sent home. I have another appointment on Friday and a date with the chemist every other day to keep an eye on my blood pressure.

I have got the most hilarious waddle going on this week. I think bub must be pushing on a nerve somewhere because I am experiencing intense discomfort in my lower pelvis which is making moving around an interesting exercise. Otherwise all is going well. I have always had a feeling that bub would arrive early but at this stage it appears likely we will go full term. Not long now!

An emotional week

2009-06-19T12:49:00.002+10:00

After bragging last week about how good I'm feeling physically, this week has been an odd one emotionally.

I think I've been in tears every day for some reason or another - well, mostly for no reason at all! Poor hubby is a fixer, so does not cope with me in tears - least of all when I'm unable to even articulate why. Maybe its just hormones. Maybe its just a stress relief.

The other day I went into a carpet store to choose carpet for bub's room but left almost in tears because I just felt so overwhelmed. I left an electrical store at the same time as a woman who must have been at least 80 years old, we did the "no you go first" thing but then she said "I've been there done that darling, I know how tired you must be feeling". I sat in my car and cried "Yes, I am tired. No-one understands how tired I am." But of course they do.

Everywhere I go lately women ask me when the baby is due, how long do I have to go. When I tell them 6 weeks, the majority of them say things like "oh I found that the worst part" or "I cried so much in the last 6 weeks, I was so over it". A lady said to me today "You'll be so happy when it's all over".

But you know, as much as I long to meet my baby, I wonder if I will miss feeling him/her flopping around in my belly. Trying to guess if that bulge is a head or a bum, a hand or a foot. Wondering what the hell is going on when the movements are so quick and fluttery. It's such an amazing, intimate connection. One I thought that I would never have the opportunity to experience, and that I will never be able to experience ever again. The kids make fun of me always rubbing my tummy, but I just love it. I never want it to end. I just want to savour it forever.

So far, so good

2009-06-12T16:51:00.000+10:00

After years of feeling disappointed with my body, I can't believe how well it's coping with this pregnancy so far. The frequency and severity of my headaches have been reduced to almost nothing and my back is holding up really quite nicely. I don't think there would be a pregnant woman on the planet who didn't suffer some sort of back pain, but given my history I am surprised (and oh so very grateful!) it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it could be.

I am sure I will lament my stretch marks in the future but for the moment I just don't care, and I haven't gained as much weight as I thought I would - and probably should considering my infantile aversion to green vegetables and total lack of interest in cooking.

My mother has the most appalling varicose veins you will ever see. She's a master of guilt my mother, and will point to the ugly purple ropes entwined around her legs and remind my brothers and I who caused each particular one. When she was carrying me, for example, both feet from shin to toe turned completely purpley/black, while the boys caused the ropes and subsequent clots in the calves and thighs. She often likes to remind me they are hereditary. But so far, so good - neglected hair growth is the only ugliness going on with my legs at the moment.

Tiredness seems to be my main problem at the moment (and most likely will be for the next 5+ years!). DH ringing at 11am and asking "are you still in bed?", and the fact that our house is still crawling with noisy men of the building variety, are basically the only reasons I get out of bed at all some days.

But being me, I have been blessed with a small number of your more weird pregnancy afflictions. Mind you every time I raise a new one with my Ob, he just nods wisely and tells me "oh yes, that's quite common during pregnancy" then bursts out laughing once I've left the room (well, he might!). Then why can I not find any information in the books, or online? So I ask you dear internets what are/were your strangest symptoms/ailments during pregnancy that no-one talks about?

So far I have three:-
1.) Blood blisters on my lady parts
2.) Small brown spots on the skin of my breasts and belly (raised mole/freckle-type things, i think some people call them skin tags)
3.) Carpal Tunnel syndrome in my wrists (hands numb during the night and are sore/stiff for a few hours in the morning)

I am delighted and terrified in equal measure about hitting the 33 week mark (and the second-last frame in my ticker!). In childbirth classes they talked about "term" being between 37 and 42 weeks, which means bub could be here in as little as 4 weeks or as long as 9 weeks! At this week's Ob visit bub looked great, still splashing around with plenty of fluid, and measured 36 weeks. I have submitted my birth plan (OMG I have to give birth?!) which I hope goes more smoothly than my trying to conceive plan!

IRL this week, my brother and SIL's friends gave birth to healthy twin girls at 38 weeks gestation (3rd IVF), and a work colleague's daughter miscarried at 20 weeks. Lots of love to both families.

Be careful what you wish for...!

2009-06-01T10:18:00.002+10:00

Last year our builder told us that work would begin on our fire repairs and house extension in January and take approx 6 months to complete. I think it was actually late Feb by the time anything really started and then only in dribs and drabs. We had very dry weather over Summer and Autumn, during which time I repeatedly said "I wish these damn builders would hurry up and get into it".

Today is the first day of Winter and the weather bureau is predicting cold and wet weather all week. Today is meant to be the first day of my maternity leave.

Coincidentally, today we have what sounds like a half-dozen men removing part of our roof.....

THE BIG 4-0

2009-05-28T15:02:00.002+10:00

I turned 40 yesterday!

Yep I am officially a middle-aged woman. If something newsworthy happened to me today I would no longer be reported as a young woman, nor a woman in her 30s, I would be a middle-aged woman! Or, as in the case of a woman who drove her car over an embankment last week and almost landed in the Yarra river, a heavily pregnant woman.

I had been planning a big party for this Saturday, a kind of last hurrah before bub arrives, but I've decided that I just don't have the stamina at the moment. By 10pm I'm exhausted, my skin is so itchy I can no longer stand to have any clothes on, and my legs are kicking up a storm. Hmmm, a cranky, naked, twitching middle-aged woman who can't drink or dance - not exactly a party animal!

Anyway, I had a great day yesterday. My friends took me out to lunch then DH and I had a beautiful romantic dinner for two.

We are down to 3 weeks between Ob visits now. Last week I had more blood tests and another Gestational Diabetes test (the non-fasting one) which I passed. Fundal height measured 31cm, so a week and a half to 2 weeks ahead, but the Ob said he's not yet ready to call it a big baby. Which is strange, because every man and his dog I meet in the street feels adequately qualified to tell me I'm either having a ten pound boy, or there is another, ultrasound-shy baby hiding in there too.

We attended 2 classes at the hospital last weekend - 'Labour & Childbirth' and 'Early Parenting'. Both of which we found pretty uninformative. The hospital is meant to be Melbourne's best private maternity facility, and each of the 15 couples paid $170 for the day, you'd think they could at least ensure their facilitators turn up on time and include a tour of the facilities. A decent cuppa would have been nice too while I'm complaining.

Shock

2009-05-15T18:44:00.002+10:00

I had intended to write a post today about how fabulous I am feeling and how excited I am about being almost 30 weeks pregnant.

Unfortunately we've just found out that Batman's (eldest stepson's) best mate's sister died last night. She hung herself. She was just 16 years old.

All 3 kids knew her really well. They are all devastated. It's going to be a long, sad and confused weekend...

Livewire

2009-05-01T13:04:00.006+10:00

The belly shot as promised. This was taken while we were away last weekend. I am 26 weeks.

My baby is not even born yet and already s/he has been labelled. After seeing lots of movement on the ultrasound the Ob wrote in the file that s/he is a "livewire". Please don't think that's something you have to live up to bubby!

S/he does move around quite a bit at the moment I must admit. I can tell that she can hear things in the outside world now as everytime I tell someone she's moving and they want to feel it, s/he stops immediately. Also, while the builders were attaching the roof to our extension the other day they dropped a large piece of tin and s/he jumped in fright. Bad mummy laughed.

I have been feeling ok this week, not quite so exhausted as last week. We had a relaxing weekend away last week and I have been trying to take better care of myself. I scared myself badly last week with a few episodes of feeling faint and nauseous and teary, and then feeling Braxton Hicks contractions at the same time I almost lost the plot completely. The Ob thinks the faintness was probably low blood pressure but it measured fine at his office.

I have put on 8kgs in weight to this point so it will be interesting to see how I go in the third trimester. I haven't been doing much in terms of formal excercise, but certainly feel as though I am being very active everyday. My latest favourite passtime is shopping - I may be inside a shopping centre but I'm still walking, and carrying lots of bags could be considered lifting weights. It all counts doesn't it?!

Labour and birth discussions have begun. Hospital classes are booked in for late May and I have a questionnaire from the Ob to help us start thinking about a birth plan. Scary, scary stuff. Most women talk about how much more they enjoyed .s.e.x. during pregnancy, but my lady bits have clammed shut of their own accord since that first ultrasound, making intimacy extremely uncomfortable to the point where I am wondering how on earth this baby is going to get out! Please tell me this has happened to other people.

Finding my way out of the abyss

2009-04-23T16:31:00.003+10:00

Whoops, sorry about that! The abyss was actually just school holidays, but dark and seemingly endless all the same. Now I remember why we started going away over Easter. I have spend the best part of the last two weeks driving kids around the state, working ridiculous hours and catching up with family as we lurch headlong into 'birthday season' for both our families. Unfortunately, my birthday is among those coming up, but maybe if I keep quiet they will forget.....

Good news is that I don't have GD, but just for fun I get to do the test again at 28 weeks.

I need to stop working. Its still only early I know, and soooo many women have told me that they worked full time right up until their due dates (as if it's a competition!) but I just don't care. I am so easily exhausted at the moment and I have to take care of number one. The more I work, the more my replacement is dependent on me being there. I find myself in tears on the freeway feeling just so tired and heavy that I can hardly move. DH keeps having to scold me "we have worked too hard to get here for you to start taking risks now". I hang my head in shame, then the next week start up again in a panic of all the things I want to get done before I leave.

I have worked in this business almost since the day DH bought it. Since it was just he and I, to the 9 employees we have now. I am a control freak at the best of times and I admit I'm having trouble letting go. No-one is irreplaceable, the company will go on perfectly well without me - intellectually I know this. DH and I are strange (in many, many ways! lol) because we love working together. Spending 24 hours a day together is normal for us. I think that's the thing I will miss the most.

PS: I think another belly shot is due... tune in next week to laugh and point at the fat woman in her ludicrously large underwear.

Almost 6 months!

2009-04-07T18:45:00.002+10:00

I had my Gestati.onal Dia.betes test this morning. I had one of these a few years ago as part of my PCOS diagnosis and my result was borderline. At that time I was in the middle of a low GI diet, this time I am in the middle of a chocolate binge. I am not confident.

The lastest wave of hormones seem to have hit. The past few days I've been feeling more tired than usual, breasts are throbbing, and I often find myself on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason.

I have been experiencing some cramping feelings lately really low in my abdomen, could be bub using my cervix as a personal trampoline, could just be cramps. I wish I knew. Earlier in the piece I was bursting to buy every pregnancy book, but kept putting it off until after the next test. Now, I rearely even look at the one book I have. Very unlike me. I'm enjoying just soaking in the experience as I'm feeling it. It's also possible I have a few avoidance issues about the birth, but hey, plenty of time for that!

Planning

2009-04-01T11:28:00.004+11:00

I caught up with a friend of a friend on the weekend who is pg with twins from IVF. She is a few years older than me and 27 weeks pg. It was hilarious to compare swollen feet and bloody nose stories with someone IRL. Everyone at the function said that my belly looked as big as hers but I'm sure it was just my dress.

She asked what brand cot and pram we have bought. I laughed. This poor baby has one toy, a kind of cute-because-it's-so-ugly hand knitted clown (bought with love by DH's parents), and a high chair my mother bought (with love I'm sure) from a garage sale for $20 which DH wants to throw out. We have bought nothing. We hadn't even thought about nursery furniture - mainly because the nursery is not built yet!* Anyhoo.... she tells me that most cots and nursery furniture have a 12 week delivery wait.

Needless to say I have spent the past few days scouring the internets for baby stuff. I can't believe I have been putting this off! Apart from wondering how I can guarantee a lottery win to pay for it all - this is exciting! This is what normal people expecting babies do! They go and buy stuff for them. You know, like actually make plans as if they are going to bring home a real live baby from the hospital that they have to feed, clothe, put to bed and transport about. I should probably do more of this! It seems quite healthy - not to mention fun!

I must say though, that it's a might bit confusing too. I have fallen in love with a cradle but I have no idea if I need a cradle!? If the house is not finished I will definately need one for a few weeks or months, but is it just a waste of money to buy a band new one? Should I try to borrow one or buy second-hand? As for prams, my god, how many prams/strollers are on the market? And how ridiculously expensive are they?

And speaking of ridiculously expensive... my ridiculously expensive 4 year old car is in need of ridiculously expensive repairs. It needs a whole new transmission at the hefty price of $8,500! Isn't it amazing that major expenses (and major projects) always seem to collude together to arrive right at the same time?! {{sigh}}

The Austral.ian government are currently giving women $5,000 when they have babies, do you think they'd let me have mine in advance?

* We had a house fire over 18 months ago which gutted a self-contained apartment, one of our bedrooms, and damaged our lounge room and hallway. Our 3rd (yes third) builder started in January and tells me "yeah it should be done by July, love". We cleverly thought we'd re-do our kitchen at the same time - a decision I am currently trying to talk DH out of....

News from the step-world

2009-03-27T14:42:00.007+11:00

Being pregnant and hormonal and somewhat self-absorbed, I haven't spoken about the stepkids for ages. Being teenagers and hormonal and somewhat self-absorbed, their reactions to the baby news has been all about how they feel this will directly affect them. Tiger seems most excited and talks about it constantly when he's with us. He hopes it's a boy so her can teach him to play golf, if its a girl he doubts he'll have much to do with it. Batman seems a bit more ambivalent, but I think that is probably to be expected since he will be 19 when bub is born. His mother says he is upset and worried about it but he has recently started spending one night a week at our house because, in his words, he wants to spend more time with us.

Rosie is the one who concerns me the most. She started at a new school this year and found the initial adjustment very difficult. She was very anxious the first few weeks and not eating or sleeping well. The new school is a religious one, so during a pastoral class the students were asked how they were feeling about the new school year, at which point Rosie burst into tears. The school acted very quickly and she has been having regular sessions with the school counsellor ever since. After that first session she said to DH "I told them EVERYTHING Dad".

The counsellor rang DH a few weeks ago and told him about her discussions with Rosie. Apparently Rosie has spoken of her concern that the baby will take our attentions away from her, that she loves DH and I and would prefer to live with us but fears her mother's reaction. We knew all of this but the level of concern the counsellor had for Rose's safety at her mother's house was a bit of a shock. Rose talked alot about the level of violence in the house and her fear of her mother's boyfriend has them worried. DH asked the counsellor if they were concerned about sexual abuse, because that seemed to be what she was tip-toeing around, and she said that was a concern that the school was taking very seriously.

Obviously I am thankful that the school is aware there are issues at home, so they can keep a close eye on her, and she has an objective adult to talk to about any problems. But I am concerned though that they think there may be a sexual nature to her fear of Loser Boyfriend.

As a child victim myself and former child protection worker, I maintain that the child must always be believed so it would be totally different if Rosie accused Loser Boyfriend of anything sexual, which she has not. But still it goes against my grain to say what I am about to say.... Rosie is a drama queen, and, just like her mother, she likes people to think she has a hard life and to feel sorry for her. It has becoming increasingly difficult for us to sort the truth from the chaff in most conversations with her. She lies to us a lot and some of her bullshit is just so fanciful we have to laugh. I know her mother has the same issues. I defy anyone with a teenage girl to say her daughter doesn't lie to her. It's just the nature of the beast.

I think she is being honest that she is scared of Loser Boyfriend when he is drunk, but I think that perhaps she has exaggerated how bad things are at home. If it was that bad and she was that frightened, surely she would come live with us? DH and I have done everything in our power to make this a possibility for her.

I'm not so old that I don't remember life as a teenage girl. The raging hormones, the changing body, the belief that other girls are always looking at you and judging you. That insane need to be accepted, to conform, to be considered normal when in your mind you think you are anything but. Desperately wanting to be attractive to boys, to be loved, but terrified of what that means. I was shocked when I dropped Rosie at school last week that 4 out of 5 girls had the exact same haircut - dead straight, far side part, covering at least one eye. Rosie has gorgeous, naturally curly hair - no wonder it takes her over an hour to get ready - she has to hide each one of those pesky non-conformist curls! I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for anything in the world.

As much as I try to empathise with her, I must admit she is starting to piss me off. Everything about the baby is negative at the moment for Rosie (although it's always possible I am being overly sensitive?). We have conversations like;
R: "Mum says that the baby will affect me the most because I won't be the youngest anymore"
ME: "Excuse me if this sounds selfish at all, but I think that it might actually affect ME the most"
R: (laughing) "Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that"

R: "I don't want my bedroom to be near the baby's, I don't want to hear it crying"
R: "Little kids really annoy me"
R: "Doesn't your stomach hurt? It looks REALLLY painful"

R: "Have you always wanted to have a child?"
ME: "Yes, but I have a problem with my ovaries and thought that I couldn't have children"
R: "So this baby is like, a miracle"
ME "YES! So treat it with the respect it deserves and stop being such a selfish little twat!"
(ok, so maybe I didn't actually say that last bit... but by god I wanted to!)

DH wants for things to remain the same as much as possible for the kids, and I understand where he's coming from... but, you know, a new baby is a huge change, I don't see how (or why) we can protect them from that. Isn't there a saying "The only constant in life is change"? I think the kids are just going to have to adapt. I can see a future where baby and I are the ones making all the concessions, tip-toeing around the older kids so we don't disturb them, even though we are the ones who actually live here. Frankly, it scares me and it's keeping me awake at night.

20 week scan

2009-03-13T18:29:00.003+11:00

Look s'hes blowing bubbles!

The anatomy scan apparently went well yesterday. I say apparently because we had one of those sonographers who don't like to reveal too much. She did loads of measurements and said everything looked fine, and the doctor (who poked her head in for all of about 3 seconds) said the results looked great. We just have to take their word for it because it mostly made no sense to us. We were just smitten by our unborn baby's swimming prowess (note to self: find olympic coach immediately). Move over Thorpedo, here comes.... umm... unborn baby who doesn't have a name yet.

S'he was head down and bum up for most of the scan, arms flailing and little legs frog-kicking up a storm. DH asked me 'How can you not feel that?' Ahhh, but I wish I could.... We saw he'r mouth opening and closing, and blood pumping through the four chambers of the heart and the umbilical cord. It really is quite surreal.

We already know the sex of the baby (from the amnio) but this was one of the very few things the sonographer did point out to us. We also got to hear the heart beat for the first time which was absolutely fabulous. I hope that is on the dvd. A page of stats flashed briefly on the screen at the end of the scan, and I saw a couple of things were measuring at 16 weeks gestation but did not see what they were, the rest seemed to be around 18-19 weeks. Remind me to ask the OB to go through the entire results with me at our next appointment.

Speaking of the Ob, at 20 weeks we are expected to make a payment of $2,000, with another $1,000 due at 30 weeks, neither of which cover the cost of the actual birth. I guess that will teach me for going private instead of using the public system. Perhaps, instead of swimming, we should encourage bub into something more lucrative - like tennis or golf, or American Football (only if its a boy I promise). Maybe acting if its a girl, DH is a redhead and I am very pale, and red headed Australian actresses with porcelain skin do seem to do quite well......

Belly shot

2009-03-11T13:46:00.006+11:00

I have always been terribly un-photogenic, but this was an especially bad photo of me. I considered telling you that I cropped off my head for reasons of anonymity, but the truth is it was just vanity. And besides, I didn't upload this photo to show you my face anyway.

This was taken last weekend at 19 weeks. My 2 closest girlfriends and I went away for 5 days to celebrate our 40th birthdays (although mine is still not for another few months). We had a ball cruising around wineries, doing touristy things and just chilling together. Both friends have young kids so we were up early everyday and did loads of walking. On the plane home on Monday my feet had blown up to the size of footballs and I felt so exhausted I was close to tears when DH picked me up. I slept most of Tuesday and am home from work again today. Slacker. Who knew that growing a human being inside you would be so tiring?!

I adore my friends and they have tried to support me through the last few years of bullshit (only missing the mark a few times). They are so excited for me now and are suddenly a lot more inclusive. I was rarely invited to kids parties and they get together quite a bit without me, but now there's even talk of family weekends away. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or just pleased to finally "fit in" with them again. Actually, I choose to accept it and be happy because I promised DH I would not allow myself to become bitter about what infertility took from us for so long.

I have my 20 week anatomy scan tomorrow and can't wait. I am starting to feel some movements but due to the anterior placenta they are fairly few and far between so it will be great to check on bub tomorrow. I hope s'he has recovered from the weekend.

Silver Lining

2009-02-13T18:36:00.006+11:00

We had an amnio done two weeks ago.

I have been quiet about it because I wasn't sure I would go through with it even as I arrived for the appointment. I know a lot of you advised me not to bother, but in the end I couldn't ignore the fact that IVF clinic recommended it, the doctor who did the NT testing recommended it and my OB recommended it as well.

The full results have come back this week as NORMAL.

The procedure was done at the same ultrasound clinic where the NT testing was done, and by the same doctor who guided us through that. She called us her difficult patients because she knew our IVF history and would have preferred not to do the amnio as well, but she assured us she had performed thousands of these procedures and the clinic's risk ratio for miscarriage was 1 in 250. The procedure itself felt just like a needle prick and nothing more. I had a few little cramps that night but nothing to get hysterical over.

DH and I did a fair amount of soul searching over what we would do with an abnormal result. DH spoke to a friend of his who has a son with Muscular Dystrophy and asked if he knew J had this before he was born would they have continued with the pregnancy, without hesitation he said yes. So again, you might ask, why go through with a risky procedure? I guess the answer lies in my response to the result. The doctor rang me in the morning at work, I was insanely busy that day but as I was preparing to go home I caught a glimpse of my bump in the bathroom mirror and grinned like a fool. I then went out to my husband and promptly burst into tears. "Our baby is okay. Everything is going to be okay." I guess I was holding on to more anxiety than I thought.

I am now 18 weeks. I am hugely, obviously pregnant and my first stretch marks have made their appearance. I could care less - seriously - bring 'em on! I am almost 40 but I am finally pregnant! We are almost half way and I think I can see the silver lining. I am yet to feel any movement, or at least anything that I recognise as movement. I have been told this may occur later for me because the placenta is at the front of the uterus.

Sorry to have gone awol for so long, for some reason I have lost control at work which has thrown everything totally off kilter. I have missed so many of your posts but will do my best to catch up.

Fire photo's

2009-02-10T12:58:00.007+11:00

Firestorm. What hope did they have?
A volunteer fire fighter cares for a thirsty koala.
The town of Marysville is all but destroyed.

Fire season

2009-02-09T12:43:00.005+11:00

It's bushfire season here and my state is on fire. Over 10 major fires are currently burning out of control, over 750 houses have been lost since Saturday afternoon, over 125 people are confirmed dead (and this is mostly just people who've been found on the roads, the task of checking each individual property has only just begun). Entire towns are burnt to the ground, people can't find their families and are not permitted to return to their homes to look for them. The fires are still burning, trees and power lines block the roads. The danger is not over yet.

I live in one of the most fire prone regions of the state. But we are safe. The temperature reached 46 degrees (115F) on Saturday, the wind was so hot and so strong. It was awful. One of the worst fires started less than an hour from here but took off in the opposite direction to us. Given the devastation that has followed, I can't say I'm glad but I guess I can say we are lucky. Today it's about 20 degrees (70F) but still very windy. Still awful. Still on high alert.

In this state you choose whether you want to stay and protect your property or evacuate. You attend community meetings, you write a 'bushfire plan' and lodge it with the local fire brigade, when fire comes you're meant to know what to do - you're meant to be prepared. So many people who stayed with their homes died, so many people who tried to flee died in their cars as the fire overtook them. How can you prepare against 10 years of drought, tinder dry bush, limited water supply, and arsonists with their own sick plans?

DH's mother rang late Saturday afternoon, there was a fire near them, his 75yo father was outside wetting down their timber house with the garden hose. DH and Tiger were ready to go and get them when the wind abated and the threat was gone.

My heart aches for all the people who have lost members of their family, their homes, their animals, their livelihoods, their sense of security and peace with the world.

Slightly off topic.... When the Screaming Banshee came to collect the kids last night, DH arranged with her to pick up Tiger the next day to see the chiro.practor about his sore back. The Banshee responded by saying that Tiger had better be nice to her, she's had a terrible weekend because she knows someone who knows someone who lost their home in the fires. She is the most infuriating person I have ever met! I don't know anyone else who could manage to turn a national disaster into a drama all about her!

Out of the Closet

2009-02-05T17:41:00.003+11:00

2nd Trimester - I puffy heart you!

Feeling good at last! The headaches have gone, I no longer feel that urgent need to eat every 10 minutes and I can stay up later than 8pm most nights. My skin is clearer than it has been for ages, my already thick hair is even thicker and my finger nails are growing much faster than usual. My friend tells me all these things mean I am having a boy. Her theory is that boys make you look radiant and beautiful while girls steal your beauty leaving you looking wasted. Hmmm interesting theory.... it's funny that everyone has an opinion or a theory don't they?

We have started telling people. I was hoping to wait until after my next scan at 16 weeks, but I'm too fat to disguise anymore. Even strangers are starting to look at my belly. One of the girls at work came straight out and asked me today, and I'm pretty sure the others have guessed. I had almost the whole office looking for my missing car keys yesterday only to find them next to my computer hidden under just one measly piece of paper. My brain seems to have left me, my memory has gone and I keep doing completely ridiculous things. I'm told this will only get worse. Good thing DH has found a replacement for me already.

DH told the kids this week too. Everyone's initial reaction was WHOA! The boys seemed pretty excited, which I kind of expected because they both love babies. Rosie was the one I was concerned about. She said to her dad "But I won't be your baby anymore", which tugged on the heartstrings a little. But she gave me a big hug and told me I'll make a great mum which was sweet of her. She told me later that she thinks she'll be really jealous of the baby because it will have a good mum while she's got a shit one. I said you never know I may end up exactly the same as her mum. She gave me that sideways look that only teenage girls can give and said I don't think so. (I need to do a whole post about Rosie soon. Poor thing, who'd want to be 14 these days?)

Speaking of the Screaming Banshee, we have not heard of any reaction from her so far. She didn't cope well with news of our wedding, so I'm not sure how this will go over. The bitch in me can't wait until she finds out the baby is due on her birthday!

Ha, this pregnancy may have robbed me of my intellect, but my inner bitch lives on!! I think I'll be okay after all... ;)

Passed! (Updated)

2009-01-29T08:12:00.005+11:00

I passed my physical exams yesterday with a High Distinction!

Bub was wriggling and giggling and even turned to face us during the scan which was just amazing. I am so, so relieved! Next appointment is in three weeks.

The breast exam went well also. Next appointment in 12 months. The surgeon asked me how long did I hope to breastfeed for as this would affect the appointment timing. I had not even thought about it!

I relayed the conversation to my mother as I thought it was so funny, and she said "well how did you think the baby would be fed dear?", "I haven't really allowed myself to think as far ahead as even having a baby yet mum" - long silence - "oh".

These loss anxieties and defence mechanisms are so normal to me, sometimes I forget that they may not make sense to other people. I still look at the ultrasound screen and think "oh wow, look at the little baby bouncing around on the screen, how cute" but it hasn't really sunk in yet that its my body and my baby.

In other news:
- My work computer at home has died (you know what that means - I can blog all day on the kids computer! - or I could go into the office....)
- The mercury is set to hit 43 degrees today (109f) and my backyard is full of men digging massive big holes ready to lay the concrete slab for our house extensions. I wonder how long they will last?

~ UPDATED ~

The temperature has managed to reach 44C/111F so far here today with only 10% humidity! You can feel your skin start to shrivel the moment the sun hits you - no wonder we have such high skin cancer rates. The minimum overnight last night was 29/84 and will be again tonight. My workmen lasted until 10am which was a pretty good effort. I hadn't expected them to turn up at all today, and they did a phenomenal amount of work in those 3 hours.

I have the world's noisiest (and ugliest) portable air-con in the dining room with me, which is keeping the room at a balmy 31/88 degrees. Bub and I are on our 4th litre of water for the day. Days like this bring out my Scottish roots.... Help me, I'm melting!!

Reprimanded

2009-01-27T14:02:00.002+11:00

I rang and left a message at the Ob's office this morning. Apparently it's his theatre day today but he rang back within a few hours.

Without saying whether or not I should be concerned about the weekend's events, he gave me a lecture about not ringing him on Saturday. He was working all weekend, and regardless would have seen me immediately to allay my fears. He was very gentle but used words like surprised and disappointed and hard-fought pregnancy, and duly made me feel severely reprimanded.

I am seeing him for a scan first thing tomorrow morning. Then its off to see the breast surgeon for a follow-up - so its a full physical exam for me tomorrow. I hope I pass with flying colours.

Scared

2009-01-26T11:23:00.006+11:00

I went to bed Friday night feeling some strong cramping and woke Saturday morning to light, brown spotting. The cramps became worse on moving around so I spent most of the day in bed. The spotting remained for about 24 hours, but didn't get any heavier. The cramping continues but is less frequent and less painful.

Everyone says not to worry about brown spotting, but that's never really been my experience. The spotting and cramps together freaked me out. It was DH's birthday and I couldn't help but think it would be just our luck to miscarry on his birthday.

At the risk of being labelled an overly-anxious patient, I will be ringing the Ob on Tuesday (its a public holiday here today) and asking for another scan asap.

After this little scare, there is no way I am going to risk doing an amnio.

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last post. This is such a fabulously supportive and wise community, I love it.

Confused

2009-01-19T23:33:00.006+11:00

We had a fabulous 12 week scan today, but a very confusing high risk for Downs Syndrome result.

Bub looked great and was dancing around, showing us he'r high kicks and juggling skills. Brain and heart development looked great; measuring on target for dates; hands and fingers, feet and toes in all the right places. We were told the nuchal fold measurement was within the normal range. Everything looked great!

The Doctor came in and we discussed our PGD results. She said she wasn't sure how that would effect the Downs risk result as the statistical approach doesn't allow for that to be taken into consideration. When she finally got back to me in the afternoon, I think she was as surprised as I was with the combined results of 1 in 38 chance of Downs.

Due to the combined risk of my age and IVF, my baseline risk was 1:70. Apparently the nuchal fold measurement was actually on the higher side of normal and the maternal serum blood test showed my hCG again normal but on the high side of the range, while the pregnancy protein marker (PAPP-A?) was on the lower side of normal. All these together doubled the risk.

My confusion comes from this: how can these figures be accurate if they do not take into account the following VITAL information?
1.) This embryo has already been tested for Downs (and several other chromosomal abnormalities) and was given a tick of approval considered to be >90% accurate
2.) The baby's nasal bone could be clearly seen on ultrasound (this is often absent in Downs babies)
3.) The long bones appeared normal on ultrasound (Downs babies often present with shortened femur and humerus bones)

We now have to decide whether or not to do a CVS or amnio. We are somewhat stuck on the point that we believe we have already tested the chromosomal makeup of this baby. We've taken so long to get to this point - why should we risk miscarriage to re-test something we have already tested? Are the tests in fact the same, or am I wrong? If we do opt for further testing should we go CVS and find out now, or wait another 3-4 weeks for an amnio?

I feel I'm in deep water here. Any advice and/or sharing of experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Learning

2009-01-13T11:08:00.002+11:00

I learnt a couple of things about myself whilst babysitting my 4mo nephew the other night.
1. I'm going to be a helicopter parent. I must have gone in every hour he was asleep just to make sure I could hear him breathing.
2. I actually felt quite confident and natural changing him and feeding him. Well it was only a few hours, he wasn't screaming and I wasn't sleep deprived. But they do have times like that don't they?
3. I love babies, always have, always will. Its when they get to 4 they become a bit annoying, and 10, and 15.
4. I'm a bit more excited about this than I have allowed myself to admit.

I started reading a babycare book my SIL had on the coffee table. In the introduction the author explained how she'd been mindful to include the experiences of same sex couples, but she obviously didn't mind excluding infertile couples. I suppose she didn't expect them to read her book. The rest of the intro was full of comments like; "when you have a baby you join the human race.... you become a member of an exclusive club..".

Although I can't technically call myself infertile anymore, I still find this sort of stuff so incredibly offensive. Childless people are not members of the human race? Are you kidding me? Sometimes I wonder how the hell I will ever fit into a fertile world that thinks this way. I can't imagine how I'll cope with things like "new mother's group". I'm far too old and prickly and cynical to be unleashed into the general populace.

I guess its my own fault, I shouldn't keep telling random strangers that I'm pregnant (well not really random as such, the lady at the pathology clinic, the lady at the dress shop, our financial manager at work), but still, if one more person tells me how much they loved being pregnant, to relax and enjoy it, to just go with the flow.... I will throttle them! Relax and enjoy? Are you serious? Do they not understand all the things that could go wrong? Bloody hell, I've never been so terrified in my life! Four weeks between scans is far, far too long, I'm feeling the need to pee on a stick.

DH on the other hand is relaxed about the baby but worried about me and my headaches. After years of nagging, I had promised if this past cycle failed that I would have them fully investigated. He read online this morning about an American woman who's baby was delivered by c-section 2 days after she suffered a fatal brain haemorrhage. Apparently having a baby without me would be like having a big TV and surround sound system, but no house. Gotta love those man metaphors.

He said that bub visited him in a dream. He said it was a boy with dark hair. He got the sense that he was very aware, very intelligent, and thought "this kid knows what's going on, I'll never have to worry about him". I had to laugh when he apologised for not asking his name.

So much time, so little to say...

2009-01-10T12:00:00.004+11:00

Earlier this week I spent 2 straight days in bed with a migrai.ne headache. Unable to take my usual medication, I discovered that icepacks and pan.adol are about as useful in fighting migrai.ne pain and swear words and tears. We had 2 kids with us so DH had to take time off work and look after the 3 of us. He was very sweet, putting wet face washers on my head and trying to tempt me to eat with my favourite choclate biscuits. I hope that bub was able to access my plentiful fat stores because I just could not eat, and what I did did not stay around long.

I was giving DH grief about something yesterday and he said "I missed you. I'm so glad you're back." Awww. He's a keeper that one. Last night he was rubbing my belly as we discussed baby names. He wanted to know how big s'he was. I said "if s'hes still there", "where else would s'he be?" was his confused reply. Why can't I think like that?!

Sunday night I am babysitting my niece and baby nephew while everyone else goes to watch the South.African.Cricket team kick our ass yet again. I'm sorry if I offend any Aussies, but I'm not terribly patriotic when it come to cricket as our team tends to become boringly arrogant on a winning streak so I like them to lose regularly.

Not much else is going on in my little world at present. I have piles and piles of work to do, but just cannot be fagged.

Welcome 2009

2009-01-03T10:13:00.002+11:00

The new year has started off with the purchase of big girl panties and a real life maternity bra (only because it was the only soft cup bra I could find in my small town in my size - although having worn it for a day I do believe my size has changed!). My body is tender and so very tired, I have been having nanna naps almost every day. Oh, and DH says don't forget to mention the moods. Thankyou sweetheart - now go away.

I seem to have acquired an aversion to food. I went food shopping yesterday and came home with several varieties of flavoured mineral water, juice, mango sorbet, cherries and grapes, but virtually no real food to speak of. Just a few days ago it was all carbs, carbs, carbs but now bub's taste seems to have shifted to cold and fruity. My parents are coming to stay this weekend. I hope they're not hungry.

I have many hopes for 2009. Not the least of which are for our troops to come home safely from I.raq and Afga.nistan, peace in G.aza, and for the Australian media to get over Pa.risHil.ton and stop clogging our news bulletins (I could care less how much she was paid to attend one party, or spent in one Melbourne shop; lets talk about climate change and stabilising the world's economies). I hope this year is full of excitement and love for all my fellow pregnant bloggers (us Aussie girls are on a roll!) and that this is the year for others who are still waiting. I hope 2009 holds something fabulous for everyone!

Waiting

2008-12-30T17:55:00.003+11:00

After kicking the cold I have been feeling quite well the past few weeks. I could sleep all day every day and have been doing very little. Some days, like today, I feel slightly queasy and light headed all day and need to eat constantly, but most days I feel fine until I find myself at the supermarket checkout behind someone with strong body odour or a roasted chicken in their trolley and I'm desperately looking for somewhere to barf.

I hope these things mean that all is going well. I'm mostly managing to keep the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) at bay but the upcoming 12 week ultrasound and pre-natal tests are keeping me awake at night. I've grown quite attached to this tiny nugget growing inside me and the thought of them finding something horrifically wrong and having to terminate scares the shit out of me.

I'm confused about the doom and gloom reaction from the clinic. Surely a 90% accurate test showing chromosomally normal cells from the transferred embryos would be cause for celebration and remove the need for more invasive genetic testing? But conversations with the Geneticist and FS, and literature they've sent me say these tests are even more important in my case. I understand that most of the abnormalities in the other embryos were really quite serious, but so serious they were considered unlikely to even implant let alone grow to this point. And the chance of an embryo having two different cell types is very rare, around 1-2% I think they said. I feel like they have scared me unnecessarily, but I can't seem to shake the fear.

I do feel confident that bub is still with me and still growing. I keep trying to tell myself that there is no history of chromosomal abnormalities in either family, that I may be old but I'm not that old, that bub has already passed this test once, that the odds are that everything will be alright and I'm worrying about nothing.

Only 20-something sleeps til we find out.....

First OB visit

2008-12-24T11:44:00.009+11:00

We met our Ob on Monday. What a sweet, gentle and caring man. Terrible, shocking, appalling dress sense! But I don't plan on taking him out anywhere so I suppose he may dress as he pleases. As you can imagine it took ages to go through our IVF history, but the clinic has passed no information on, not even the referral, so it had to be done. I also had to re-do all my blood tests but never mind.

The best things I liked about him were that he has a sense of humour and that hubby liked him too. Also, he has an ultrasound machine in his consulting room so we got to see bub's flickering heart again. S'he has grown 6mm in the past week. He said it was looking like a very healthy pregnancy.

Going to the hospital was a strange experience. I said to DH "Oh god, this place is going to be full of pregant women with huge pregnant bellies." He pointed out that I was a pregnant woman too. But old habits obvioulsy die hard and I still felt my anxiety levels rising and that pang of envy looking at all the beautifully shaped bellies.

Speaking of bellies (not so beautifully shaped) we have worked out why I look so big. Seriously, I look 3-4 months pregnant, too big to hide but too small for a belly belt. The ultrasound last week showed at least a dozen cysts on both ovaries, some measured 30mm or more, and they looked even bigger on the Obs scan. The Ob was suprised that I didn't get a worse case of OHSS but seemed confident that they will go on their own.

We have only told my parents and 2 of my friends, but people are starting to ask. Apart from my bloated belly, the thing that seems to make most people suspicious is that I'm not drinking alcohol. Did I really drink so much before that this change in my behaviour is so unusual?! We are telling people that I still have my cold and the antibiotics I'm taking don't mix with alcohol, but DH's brother asked him straight out last week so this doesn't seem to be working. I'm sure there will be no fooling my SIL's over Christmas, but at least when we see them we won't have the kids with us so it won't matter if they do guess. It's still far too early to tell the kids.

The people at work are suspicious too. It may have something to do with the fact that yesterday, on the way to the pub for our office breakup, I jumped out of the car when DH stopped at an intersection to go vomit in someone's front garden. What an uncomfortable lunch that was, apart from the embarrassment of the public vomit, our staff just don't really gel together as a group so much of the conversation was forced and awkward. Ah well, we're all off on two weeks holiday now so who cares.

I'm probably breaching all kinds of copyright here (sorry Keith), but one of our freelance designers sent us this and I think its so cute I just had to share.

Wishing everyone safe and happy Christmas and new year celebrations; full of love, laughter and hope.

Goodbye IVF Clinic

2008-12-17T10:50:00.005+11:00

We met with the IVF doc last night.

Apart from a few self congratulatory remarks, his first comment to us was "Don't go around telling everyone just yet". We then got the lectures about the risk of miscarriage is very high blah blah blah, you will have to have all the pre natal screening tests blah blah blah.

He is also an Ob and had obviously assumed we would use him, so I think we may have put his nose of of joint when we said we'd chosen another hospital so needed a referral to a new Ob. He even made a few disparaging remarks about the Ob we'd chosen. He hadn't received the scan report so we couldn't discuss that. I had a heap of questions, but he rushed us out very quickly saying again how he had thought there was no way this cycle was going to work for us.

When we got to the car, DH said "well that was awkward". We'd been totally booted off cloud nine, sent back down to feeling anxious again. This was always going to be our last meeting with the Clinic, but I was excited to think we'd be leaving on a high note, instead the only things up high were our middle fingers. Goodbye clinic, eff you and your lack of confidence. We'll show you!

I need to do a big ranting post about being a step parent again but I seriously can't be bothered. Suffice to say that DH doesn't understand and never will, perhaps I'll invite my mother to stay for a month - that might have a similar effect. SS Tiger had been here for almost 4 weeks, 2 of which I was sick and still had to put up with his tantrums and be his slave. This past week I have matched DH's working hours because I'd had enough. He'd overstayed his welcome, told me to shut up one too many times and thrown one too many tantrums.

Last night he was having a tantrum because he couldn't find on the computer how to update his i.phone - obviously the useless fucking computer and the stupid fucking chair's fault and that he doesn't know how to use his phone - anyway he started yelling at the cat because he was meowing at the door. All of a sudden the future became clear to me. When this baby is born the shit is well and truly going to hit the fan! My cats are one thing, but watch this mummy roar if any of them even think about yelling at my baby.

Heartbeat!

2008-12-15T12:16:00.003+11:00

We saw a heartbeat!!!! Just one. OMG how amazing! This tiny thing that was just a mass of cells a few weeks ago now has a heart - and it's beating at 138bpm! How cool is that?

Bub is measuring 10.7mm, 7 weeks and 2 days, both of which are right on target for EDD of August 1st.

This was the biggest test for me and bub has passed with flying colours once again. We are now 4 from 4.

Thanks again for all your good wishes. Please stick with me, you're my good luck charms.

One more sleep

2008-12-14T12:59:00.002+11:00

Viability scan is tomorrow! Only one more sleep!

It has poured with rain here non-stop since Friday, so we've been locked inside with the kids watching movies all weekend. Time seems to be in slow motion. The day before the scan was the day I started to miscarry last time.

SD Rose is changing to a new school next year, she keeps telling me that she's excited and scared at the same time. That's exactly how I feel about tomorrow. I am trying lots of positive visualisations and a couple of bouts of nausea over the past few days have been strangely reassuring.

Wish us luck.

Blogger friends in need

2008-12-11T14:46:00.002+11:00

Please spare a thought for Lisa and Vee today.

3rd beta

2008-12-09T15:45:00.003+11:00

Had blood taken for my 3rd and final beta this morning, and hopefully my final blood draw for some time! It came back at 6,000. According to the doubling every 48 hours theory I was expecting over 10,000 but this means a 70 hour doubling rate. The nurse said she wasn't at all concerned, they consider anything between 4,000 and 28,000 at this stage as 'normal'.

Yes, I do have overly high expectations, but mostly I am concerned because I have been so unwell. I went to the doctor yesterday and was given antibiotics so I hope to be back to normal again very soon.

My pg symptoms have either packed up and left or are just hiding beneath all the coughing and snot. Its so weird, every morning I look at my breasts and think "oh ok I must still be pregnant" and every time I wipe after the toilet and don't see blood I'm almost shocked "ha! still pregnant. amazing".

We are currently booked into 2 obstetricians and 3 hospitals! I'm finding it very difficult to take it all seriously and make a decision.

6 more sleeps until our first scan......

Blah

2008-12-04T07:08:00.008+11:00

I'm sick.

Unfortunately not the morning kind of sickness, just the cold kind of sickness. I managed to get through winter without catching a cold but now that it's summer the lurgy has got me. I feel like crap, run over by a bus, crap. Nose and eyes running, coughing, burning throat, blah blah blah....

I don't know if I should go to the doctor. I don't think there is anything I can take anyway. Its currently 7.30am and I'm already dreaming of soaking in a steaming hot bath then curling up in bed with a book (although my current book is terribly boring, I really don't know why I'm persisting, anyone have any suggestions for a good read?).

I have a huge weekend coming up. We have kids of course (the Screaming Banshee should be paying us the bloody child support) and my parents are coming to stay as well. My FIL and SIL are both artists and they are holding an exhibition this weekend. All non-talented relatives such as myself have been given jobs as caterers and servers. My FILs pride and joy is his garden, which he is also opening to the public this weekend. The whole thing is fraught with danger. He has absolutely no tolerance for young children, and of course kids love his garden. It has paths and bridges to run over, ducks to chase and how else do you find out how deep a lake is except by throwing things into it - the exact same things that drive him most crazy.

However, the most stressful thing about this weekend will be trying to make sure my parents don't say anything in front of the kids about... well you know. I still can't say it but you know what I mean. I wish I hadn't told mum, she is terrible at secrets, but its too late now.

Ugh, I have so much work to do. I must stop procrastinating. Blogging is such a great way to procrastinate ;-)

Congrats to Behind the Mask for her great beta, Melbagirl for positive pee sticks at 8dp2dt and Lisa for hearing a heartbeat! Go girls!

Just breathe....

2008-12-02T15:46:00.003+11:00

1264
One thousand two hundred and sixty-four. Onethousandtwohundredandsixtyfour. It's so much more exciting when you say it fast!

I should be yelling from the rooftops. 1264 is a fabulous number. Doubling time of 48 hours. As Expected. Normal. Great.

But still. There is something inside me, pulling me back, telling me to just slow down, breathe, don't get too ahead of yourself. What is it? Will I ever be rid of this stupid fear that the rug will be pulled from under us any second?

We have so many tests still ahead of us. But for the moment we are 2 for 2. I am so thankful for your kind words and support. I am just so thankful....

Triple jinx

2008-11-29T15:44:00.003+11:00

Tertia wrote a post the other day about the many superstitions held by infertiles and the idea that doing, or not doing, certain things can jinx a cycle.

I well and truly jinxed myself yesterday. Three times in fact. The first two were not entirely my fault. One of my big superstitions is if I work out the due date then it is guaranteed to all go pear shaped. I can still remember my first due date (one year ago on Tuesday of last week as it happens). I received a package on Thursday from the clinic with my 7 week ultrasound referral (Jinx 1) and a letter saying 'Congratulations on your pregnancy' (hmmm is that another jinx?) 'your estimated due date is August 1st 2009' (JINX 2).

The third was when I went shopping to find something 'semi-formal' to wear to Batman's Graduation I ended up buying a top that I could also wear later in the pregnancy. Yes, I actually thought those words! Which means that, in effect, I have actually just bought my first piece of maternity clothing! (MASSIVE JINX!)

Consequently, today I have cramps. Cramps that feel decidedly like menstrual cramps. I think I have done the anxious-undie-check a thousand times already. Please let it just be my body struggling to digest the Reception Centre food from last night. Please.

Trying not to stress. I'm lying on the couch watching the Australian Masters Golf trying to catch a glimpse of my Tiger who is working as a Caddy. His player is doing well, so he's actually getting quite a bit a of air time, even Rose is watching. He looks so tall and manly and serious. I'm such a proud mum... ooops I mean step-mum. ;-)

3 more sleeps....

ES loves DH

2008-11-26T11:10:00.003+11:00

Today is our wedding anniversary. 3 years ago today I married by best friend.

He gave me a beautiful long-stemmed pink rose from our garden and I gave him a pee-stick with 2 distinct lines on it. Aren't we just soooo romantic!? Mind you, my response to the rose was something like 'thank you darling I love you' while he looked at the pee-stick, looked back at me and said 'oh dear'.

By the way, can someone please assure him that DH stands for Darling Husband not Dick Head!

My sciatica is playing up terribly this week so I'm hobbling round like an old woman. I'm also doing lots of eating (otherwise I tend to go all dizzy and sweaty), but that cannot possible explain the fact that my waist measurement has increased 7cms (almost 3 inches) in the past 2 weeks! WTF?! I still have some abdominal pain and cannot take really deep breaths (as in yawn) or sneeze without strong pain. So although the OHSS was very mild it seems to be still kicking around.

It's Batman's school graduation dinner this Friday night, and none of my clothes fit me. I feel massive - there better be a really good reason for this! Still holding my breath til Tuesday...

Rinse and Repeat

2008-11-24T16:38:00.005+11:00

New Nurse: Congratulations you're pregnant!
Jaded Patient (me): Really? Well that would explain why I feel so sick. What's the beta?
NN: The beta is 79.
JP: Oh.
NN: Let's make appointments now for another blood test next week and the week after that and then the 7 week ultrasound.
JP: Hahhahahhahaha. Oh, you're serious.... Um, ok sure, why not?

Not quite the number I was after, though eerily close to DH's dream of being told it was 78.

I really don't know what to think or say at this point. I want to be excited but we've been here before. I can't believe we have to wait until next Tuesday for another beta. I'll be gaga before then.

Thanks for all your kind comments on my last post. Looks like I'm getting one last chance...

On Life and Death and Motherhood

2008-11-20T10:12:00.000+11:00

I must warn you now this is going to be a big post. It's been brewing for a while. Because this cycle is my last, because I'm a pessimist, and because I seem to have so many free hours in the middle of the night, I have been thinking of motherhood. What will it mean for me if I don't become a mother? Am I not a mother yet simply because of genetics or is there a deeper reason? Does the universe think I wouldn't make a good mother? What makes a good mother anyway?

At 19, still a child myself, I took a job as House Mother, living in a house with 6 children aged between 9 months and 16 years. The parents were allowed a 2 hour visit per week but rarely made it that often. One of the them was a he.roin addict, she had a penis and the words "fuck off" tattooed on her foot. She would follow me around the house threatening me, then fall asleep head first in her dinner. I'd call a cab and she'd leave having spent about 0.5 seconds interacting with her baby.

When I worked in Child_Protection I was given the case of a couple trying to reunite with 10mth old twins who had been taken into care at 3 months because they were failing to thrive. The parents were in their mid 20s chronologically, but tested of equal intelligence to 7-8 year olds, emotionally they were around 13-15. Donna had a 6 yo son who lived with her mother, and, as well as the twins she and Paul had a two and a half year old. My job was to evaluate their ability to parent the three younger children. Each morning we would make up the formula for the day and with ticklists and charts and alarm clocks we spent the first few week or so just making sure the babies were being fed. I came back from a day off to find Donna beside herself "I can't do it. It's too hard". And so the twins were returned to Foster Care, then moved into Permanent Care.

Within a year Donna and Paul were back, they wanted my help with the now 3 year old. His tantrums were getting out of hand. His language was quite delayed, and Donna and Paul were having trouble understanding his verbal cues, so everyone was frustrated. I worked with them for close to 6 months. I stood up in court and stated that they could adequately meet this child's needs so he should remain in their care. A few months later Donna rang me to say "It's too hard". I held her hand while she signed another child over to Permanent Care. She was dry-eyed, I went home and bawled. He was a sweet boy, he went to live with a policeman and his wife in the country.

Within the year Donna and Paul had another son, the hospital staff were concerned, Donna told them I would help. They came to live at our facility. She breastfed this time which helped because she had her own, in-built, alarm system, and support available 24 hours. Trevor regained his birthweight and all appeared to be going well. He turned 1 month old on a public holiday, I had the day off. My colleague called an ambulance when she checked in to find Trevor floppy and unresponsive. At the hospital the next day, Donna and Paul were stunned by accusatory questions like "who threw the baby?" when I objected the questions were rephrased to "who dropped the baby?". A few hours later test results showed he had bacter.ial menin.gitis; there was nothing anyone could have done, or could do.

My boss took Paul home, he was pacing the halls, his head red and huge with bottled up emotion. Donna and I were shown into a tiny, windowless, airless room while Trevor was freed of his tubes and wires. Donna wouldn't touch him, so I held him and stroked his face as he grew heavier and heavier in my arms. Donna clung to me and we both cried. We talked about him and to him, reliving our short time together. A doctor would come every half hour with a stethoscope and shake his head slowly at me. Complete and utter torture. A minister joined us toward the end, she had gentle eyes with soft and powdery skin, but I can't recall a word she said. The doctor finally nodded sadly at me. We inked Trevor's footprints on a card, gave him a bath and changed his clothes. We said goodbye and they took Donna's fifth child away from her.

My office paid for a funeral and my boss and I paid for a plaque. I've been there a few times but not since ttc. Donna and Paul separated not long after and within a year both were expecting new babies with new partners. I heard that Donna was not allowed to take her baby home from the hospital. She'd be in her 40's now, I often wonder how many children she had, if she kept any of them, if she thinks of them as often as I do.

Four more children I knew died that year; 2 car accidents, a drowning, and a murder. I lost weight, I couldn't eat or sleep, I didn't menstruate for 6 months, I started getting migraines. I smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish. I broke down. It was too hard. An ex-boyfriend returned from interstate. I knew he was no good for me, I knew I didn't love him. But I threw myself into the comfort of his familiar embrace saying "of course I'll marry you". I fucked up my life completely. I was far too young and soft for that job.

My flatmate's boyfriend, going through his Soc.ialist phase, once told us that she and I were "pretentious middle class do-gooders under the delusion we were saving the world". And I suppose we were. I still believe we did some good work, but we made the wrong decision sometimes, and the kids that I failed will always haunt me.

I went back to Uni then got an office job. It took a while to adjust into the corporate world. I felt that my previous work was so important, while chatting about clothes with my young colleagues and making sales targets were just so not. I had held a woman's hand while she signed away her child, I had a baby die in my arms, I felt children wrap themselves so tightly around me they almost cut off my breath as I took them from their homes while burly police officers held back angry parents or tried to rouse drugged ones. I met mothers who sacrificed their children for the love of a man. I met children whose mothers did despicable things and/or allowed despicable things to be done to them. Plenty of women can get pregnant and give birth to babies, but that does not necessarily make them a mother. Some, like Donna, have the ability to be a mother but not the skills.

I must say that at the same time, I also met women who risked their lives, were stabbed or had their jaws smashed with a baseball bat, trying to protect their children. I'm more familiar with this kind of mother now.

It seems I have always played mother to other people's children. Next week (eeek!) I will find out if I will ever be a 'real' mother myself. I am oscillating between being grateful that at least I have had these experiences, to utter despair that these periods of 'playing mother' is the closest I will ever get.

Counting down

2008-11-18T19:10:00.002+11:00

Test day is slowly getting closer.... There is no point doing the pee stick thing because of the hcg booster shots. And the last thing I need is a false positive reading.

Still feeling a bit weird. I can feel my ovaries are still enlarged but the pain has mostly gone. Quite dizzy today, but I'm sure there's a dozen possible explanations for that, none of which have anything to do with anything.

6 sleeps to go. The mind games have begun.

Wine on a Sunday

2008-11-16T11:12:00.002+11:00

Nothing like a relaxing lunch and a nice bottle of wine on a lazy Sunday. Unfortunately today's wine comes with a H.

I think I may be over-stimulating. I had two booster hcg shots during the week as well as the progesterone supplement Crin.one since Tuesday. I read the list of side effects for Crin.one on Friday because I was experiencing breast pain (in the breast now affectionately known as 'Lumpy') and yes that is a common side effect. I had almost all the others listed as well.

Last night the bloating and full feeling was insane, accompanied by abdominal pain that wrapped around my back, nausea and I just couldn't seem to breath deeply enough. Its different to the last time I had ohss because that was mostly just abdominal pain, but much worse than last night.

I'm not too bad today, the swelling seems to have subsided a little and the pain has lessened. I can feel my ovaries are still huge because when I roll over in bed it feels like they squash or twist or something and if I happen to sneeze I think they're going to explode.

I hate to whinge, but I'm hoping someone else has felt like this and can tell me if ohss can sort of come and go like this or is it more likely to be just the side effects from the progesterone.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

2008-11-13T13:44:00.006+11:00

The Good

I had 2 embyros transferred this morning! One was a genetically-tested-possibly-normal almost blasty and the other was just a step behind. The procedure went well. The Doctor was the head of the clinic (and the author of the book I'm currently reading) which should mean he knew what he was doing. Just before the transfer DH pointed out that today is the 13th and its our 13th cycle. I always like a little superstition with my cycles.

The Bad

Yesterday was a crap day. I feel like I have been lurching from one drama to the other lately. The Nurse rang yesterday with the biopsy results; out of the 10 the tested 7 were chromosomally abnormal and 3 were normal. The 3 normal ones were not growing as well as the embryologists would like, so I should ring in the morning to confirm transfer was still going ahead. She said "Don't worry too much, it might be okay". Needless to say there were long faces and not much sleep in my house last night. I knew that having no embryos to transfer was a posibility but it wasn't one I had allowed myself to really consider. It definitely wasn't the way I wanted to finish.

The Ugly

They sent a meek and blushing little 20yo genetic scientist down to talk to us this morning. She went through the biopsy results; two with trisomy 13, one with only one chromosome 13, one with trisomy 22, another with trisomy 26, and two with no nucleus. She stressed many times that this was just a screening process, only one cell from each embryo was tested and that if this cycle did result in a pregnancy then pre-natal genetic testing would be very important. Ugly all over the place. We asked if the most likely cuplrit was age, she said yes. She proceeded to remind us that women are born with all their eggs so at my age they have been sitting there a very long time, which is why they encourage women to get pregnant younger. Wait - it gets worse.... She told us about a study they are doing which shows that if "women my age" are successful with IVF its usually in their first couple of cycles. She was very excited about this because they look like being able to publish their findings in the new year! She then produced a graph which showed that the embryos of "women my age" (39) were 53% likely to be abnormal continuing up to 60% at age 42. Being the non-confrontational type that I am, I took a few deep breaths and sent her on her happy way.

If I were the confontational type (which at times like this I desparately wish I was), I would like to point out that
1) I have been trying to get pregnant longer than you have been breathing so don't you dare insinuate that I've just left it too late.
2) If you had bothered to consult my file you would have noted that this is our 8th IVF cycle, so telling me that "women my age are most likely to have success in their first few cycles" is like telling me this cycle has next to no chance and I shouldn't even bother being here.
3) Showing me a graph that quotes 53% as the average abnormal embryo rate for my age group, when my abnormal rate was 70% does not make me feel better.

Needless to say that DH and I both left on a bit of a low. I now have absolutely no faith in the cycle working. But I suppose what I need to keep in mind is that I now have (some) of what I wanted from this cycle - Answers.

Stepmonsterhood

2008-11-10T10:46:00.004+11:00

I am feeling great today, still in a little pain but the bloating has subsided a lot. 14 of my eggs were ICSI'd and 10 fertilised which is great news. I am spending the day at home with the intention of working. I have SO much work to do, but I need to talk. There are lots of BIG issues rolling around in my head that will not fit in one post, so I'll try to break them into more digestible bites. Today its step-monsterhood.

I am a very calm person (except perhaps when taking HRT drugs LOL), I tend more to tears than temper, and hate confrontations of any kind. My DH has a quick temper, it flashes, he swears a bit, then its gone. But he can control it. My stepkids, on the other hand, have no control over their tempers. They are such angry kids its unbelievable. Their mother is know on this blog as the Screaming Banchee because of her incessant screaming and yelling. This is why DH left and tried to take the kids with him.

Last week when she picked up the kids from our house she started screaming at them in our driveway. The kids then started yelling back at her, swearing and slamming car doors. Hello? Do you mind? We live here!

Every other night at our house is interupted by kids ringing with "Mum's yelling at me so I've locked myself in my room" or "I hate Mum, I can't live here anymore" or "Can you come get me". DH talks them through, calms them down. You know its really bad when all 3 are calling at once. The Banshee has taken to ringing as well. She wants DH to admonish the kids for the way they speak to her, he says "they speak to you the way you speak to them", she denies it, he laughs, she yells and swears at him, she says "I'm never ringing you again", he says "good". Next week she rings and they have the exact same conversation over again.

The kids know they can live here anytime, but never last more than a week. They say its too hard to get to school, they miss their friends... but I think its because our house is so quiet, they miss their mother's drama. Tiger says he's moving in here when he finishes school in 2 years.

I love them and I love them being here, but sometimes I find it hard to relax and fully be myself with them. I'm always on edge waiting for the boys to start fighting or the swearing and yelling to start. Our superfast internet connection is not fast enough. Our dvd's are boring. My dinner is not what they wanted. Seriously, their language would make a sailor blush! I lie in bed and listen to the boys throwing stuff and swearing at their video games until 3 in the morning. Tense and unable to sleep.

DH is in court today with his eldest son who at 17 got drunk, stole his mum's Loser Boyfriend's car and crashed it into a house. (I wonder if he will ever realise how incredibly lucky he was?) If the case is heard early enough he may then have time to go to the school to meet with one of Rose's teachers to discuss concerns about her behaviour.

Rose tells me she feels terrified when the Loser Boyfriend is angry and jumps out her bedroom window to go to her friend's house next door. How long before she's doing that to meet up with a boy, if she's not already. Last Saturday she'd been in her pj's all day, then suddenly got dressed at 11pm. Her "friend" was staying the night at her boyfriends house in the next street and wanted her to go over. DH sent her to bed and dead locked the doors. Another friend recently had a pregnancy scare. They are 14 years old!

It's easy to sit in judgement and blame any undesireable traits on the custodial parent, but what if DH and my child was just as angry as its brothers and sister? How would I deal with that? Would I cower from my own child? Would I turn into a screaming banshee?

Last week I met up with my RL stepmother friend. Hers are 11 and 13 (going on 21) and she's having a really hard time, she's at a point where she's finding it hard to like the kids. She told me she's so glad she decided not to have children of her own, she said she'd be devestated if her kids turned out like these and she found she didn't like her own children. She had always prided herself on being a good stepmum and is disappointed to think she's turning into her own stepmother, who she felt never really cared about her. She used to have activities lined up for the kids, camping trips, visitors, but now she refuses to take them anywhere because they are so sullen and ungrateful. She secretly hopes each fortnight that they will ring and cancel their visit.

She told me in one of our first conversations that even though she'd been in the kids lives since they were babies, if she left they would not miss her at all. I've always thought this as well. A few weeks ago DH was talking about his death with Rose and Tiger (I think they were telling him he works too hard). DH said that one of my fears about him dying was that I would never see the kids again. They both said no way, they would still keep coming every weekend and Tiger would still move in after school. Its funny that they say sweet things like that to their father but never to me.

It is such a tightrope we step-parents walk, wanting to be engaged in these children's lives but not step on toes of the "real" parents. I have spent years caring for other people's children. I've always thought that parenting my own child(ren) would be easier. I hope it would be easier. But would it? Is it?

Twenty

2008-11-09T12:42:00.000+11:00

Retrieval went well yesterday with 20 eggs collected.
Bloody sore.
Can't wait to hear fert report on Monday.
Thanks for your good wishes.

Cluck Cluck

2008-11-06T20:58:00.002+11:00

A woman I work with has two chooks in her inner-city backyard and she sometimes brings in cartons of eggs for us with stickers attached "with compliments of Laverne&Shirley". And they are great eggs - always so fresh with the brightest yellow yolks.

I'm going to need a few of those cartons to give Laverne&Shirley a run for their money. My scan this morning counted 43 follies, with the possibility of 20 eggs of around 17mm. Can I tell you how uncomfortable I am! But the good news is that I only have to hold out until Saturday for retrieval. We were expecting ER to be Monday, which I'm glad its not because DH's 18yo has a court appearance to get his learner drive permit back. But, thinking we had plenty of time we kind of, well, ahem, cleared the pipes last night. But the nurse said 3 days is better than 7. Imagine having a job where you had to ask people when they last had sex. Weird.

Anyway there's no going back now. What will be will be. Please send me sticky vibes, baby dust, good thoughts, prayers, whatever takes your fancy, I'll take all currencies.

Ovid.rel injection tonight then a drug-free day tomorrow (yay!).

Worried

2008-11-05T20:21:00.003+11:00

I'm starting to get worried....

Worried that I will run out of Syn.arel and ovulate before egg retrieval
Worried that retrieval will fall on Monday when DH has made other plans
Worried that all the embryos will have chromosomal abnormalities and we'll have nothing to transfer
Worried that it won't work
Worried that it may work
Worried that we'll have another chemical pregnancy or miscarriage
Worried that I haven't done enough to ensure the success of this cycle
Worried that my future will be determined by something I have no control over

Stimming seems to be going well, I can certainly feel things growing. I have a date tomorrow with the dildo-cam, so will have a follie report and ER day by tomorrow afternoon.

PS: Congrats to the USA for making the brave choice! Now Mr Obama if you could just get on and fix the credit crisis we'd much appreciate it.

meme

2008-11-01T18:45:00.000+11:00

Topcat suggested this meme might help take my mind off Tuesday, but I've only got around to it today. Melbagirl - consider yourself tagged!

1. Where is your cell phone? Beside me
2. Where is your significant other? Racing around on his ride-on mower (his favourite toy)
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Means well
5. Your father? Grumpy bastard
6. Your favorite thing? My i-pod
7. Your dream last night? Telling. My friend had a baby who I held so much it grew more attached to me than her
8. Your dream/goal? To find comfort and acceptance in whatever the future brings
9. The room you are in? Dining room
10. Your hobby? Blogging
11. Your fear? Spiders
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Happy and drug free
13. Where were you last night? Laughing at Ron in a Harry.Potter movie with Rose
14. What you're not? Bitter. Well its a work in progress....
15. One of your wish list items? New house
16. Where you grew up? Lots of tiny country towns
17. The last thing you did? Sniffed some more Synar.el
18. What are you wearing? Jeans, long sleeve t-shirt
19. Your T.V.? Corporate gift. Non-HD LCD. Ripped off!
20. Your pet? 2 cats ScaredyCat and SuperCat, 2 goats Mavis and Maude
21. Your computer? Finally free from 16yo boys looking at p.orn
22. Your mood? Slowly coming down after a stressful couple of weeks
23. Missing someone? Always my grandmother
24. Your car? Volvo SUV
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Stationary shops
27. Your Summer? On its way!
28. Love someone? I adore my Darling Husband
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Last night with Rose
31. Last time you cried? Major meltdown in the shower Wednesday morning

Benign!

2008-10-30T08:40:00.002+11:00

Tuesday at the breast clinic was a surreal day. 4 hours in a room full of ladies my mothers age in dressing gowns. Four women touched my breasts, 3 of whom I wanted to punch in the face because they hurt me so much. (Not quite the male fantasy you were expecting hey googlers?)

Everyone could feel the lump but no cyst or anything else ominous was showing on the mammogram or ultrasound, so they sent me across the road to the hospital to see a specialist breast surgeon. She suggested it was a fatty tissue deposit most probably caused by the IVF meds. She did a needle biopsy and sent me home with a band-aid on my breast. Her office rang yesterday afternoon to say the tissue sample was benign fatty breast tissue. Yay! Today my breast is bruised black and blue, oh and a spash of red as a reaction to the band-aid. Boo!

I have to see the surgeon again in 3 months and the breast clinic in 12 months. But in the meantime I can continue with Cycle Number 13! First stim injection was last night, so we are off and racing.....

PS: the weekend away was fabulous. We ended up inviting some friends to stay Saturday night with us so it was a bit more boozy than relaxing but a lovely change of scenery all the same. I highly recommend Marks Restaurant in Lorne. Yum.

Tuesday's the day

2008-10-23T10:35:00.003+11:00

I found a breast clinic who could fit me in next Tuesday for an ultrasound and mammogram. They said to leave 4 hours for the appointment as they do the assessment, diagnosis and treatment plan all at the same time. I have my baseline blood test Tuesday morning as well.

I rang my IVF nurse to let her know what was going on. She will speak to my doctor today and we will make the decision about my cycle after Tuesday. I refuse to worry about anything until then. I've been getting loads of headaches lately and spent most of yesterday in bed with a migraine, so DH is worrying enough for two anyway.

Thankfully, I had already booked a weekend away with my Darling Husband for this weekend. We leave tomorrow and come back Monday. The weather is meant to be warm so I envisage lots of romantic walks along the beach, relaxing, reading and eating. Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to find the best restaurant on The Great Ocean Road.

What now?

2008-10-21T18:10:00.003+11:00

I rang to make an appointment with my local doctor today. The receptionist said there were no appointments until next week which didn't surprise me, but when I mentioned what my problem was there was a sudden cancellation this very afternoon! I guess everything has its up side.

I have a lump in my left breast. Sigh.

The breast clinic the doctor referred me to has an 8 week waiting list. I will try another clinic tomorrow to see if they can get me in any earlier. I don't want to wait 8 weeks.

It's probably a cyst. Most lumps are benign cysts. I know that. But for fucks sake! Cysts in my ovaries, cysts in my breast. Is any part of my body any good? I hope this stupid headache behind my eye is a tumor, so we can just get it over with already.

Should I cancel this cycle? Would it make any difference?

Sniffing

2008-10-17T15:35:00.002+11:00

I started syn.arel this morning. The monster headache has started already.

Psychosomatic I know.
What! You calling me a psycho?
Go away I'm not even talking to you.
Fine! I hate you!
Sorry, the bcp hormona-bitch keeps interrupting me. Thankfully pill stops Tuesday.
Why don't you like me anymore? Did I do something to upset you?
Just. Go. Away!

Ahhhhh. I can't believe I pay through the nose for these side effects.

Warning - baby photos

2008-10-15T12:32:00.006+11:00

Introducing my gorgeous nephew. Two weeks old and wide awake. The first pic is with his dad and the second shows that the brain washing starts early in their house with the football team dummy.

And this stunning vision in pink is my 2yo niece posing with one of our goats. She's a city girl but has no fear of animals and kept trying to cuddle the horse's leg, definitely not something I would recommend. This tiny tot is well and truly brain washed - she can sing the whole bloody football team song!

Guest Ettiquette

2008-10-14T13:06:00.005+11:00

My brother, my SIL and her mother, 2yo B and bonny new baby S came for the weekend! Someone needs to tell baby S that he is not even 2 weeks old yet and so should not be so alert and wakeful. Although I suppose if you allow for delays in prem babies, you should allow for advances in overdue bubs too, which actually makes him almost 1 month old. But still... the boy hardly slept and his eyes were always open, arms and legs constantly moving! Absolutely gorgeous though. I was given loads of time with him, pity time I know, but still I sucked it up. I took some lovely pic's of him with his dad which I'll post when I can be bothered to find the camera.

Both of my SILs are the same, they come for the weekend and never bring any food for their children, then raid my cupboards to feed them. I know that as guests they expect to be fed and that includes their children, which I do, fine, no problem, what I find odd is that they just help themselves. There is no way I would just reach into their fridge and take food without asking first, I don't even do that at my mother' s house. I even take my own food when I go to babysit.

The stepkids stayed Friday night (a whole other story!) and Rose brought a friend. I walked into the kitchen at one point to find Rose's friend eating the olives and fancy dip that I had bought especially for my visitors.

Kids are different of course, but what is the ettiquette with guests? I guess they think that I have bought the food to feed them, so there's no need to ask if they can eat it. But my SILs will even help themselves to leftovers and will happily eat that last chocolate biscuit you've been saving without saying a word, things that clearly have not be purchased for them. I am pleased that they they obviously feel at home in my house, and they all say they love coming here because they do get looked after so well. But I am stuck at the thought that I would not behave the same way at their houses. Are they the normal ones here, is it just me being overly sensitive? Be honest. Tell me. Am I a food prude?

Edited to add: I guess my concern is linked to what they are likely to find whilst ferreting about in my fridge - my very large stash of drugs with giveaway words in large lettering, like preg.nyl and follitrop.in beta. They are very nice women but the last thing I need is people ringing me up and asking if I'm pregnant yet, thank you very much.

Topcat's Inaugural Downunder Dork-Off

2008-10-10T12:06:00.008+11:00

In the interests of Topcat's sanity (and pure entertainment value), I am entering her Dork-off Competition. It's easy - just find the dorkiest photo of yourself and post it for the world to see! Link it back to her blog.

The first pic (can you tell I don't know how to add photos properly in blogger?) is me in 1984 around my 15th birthday. I had insisted that I be allowed to get my hair permed for my 15th birthday. I think my mother let me have it done just for a laugh, but at the time I thought it was so cool. Later, at the height of Howard Jones' 80's popularity, I spiked it up even boofier and cut the sides above my ears really short. Camera's were obviously banned in our house during that period. My hair colour looks quite red in this shot and although I have the skin tone of a red head I'm not really, I think its just that the photo is so very old!

The second pic is of me at about 10 when I entered (?) and won (!) the "Miss Nowhere Town" at the Nowhere Town Show. In my defence, I vaguely recall that my mother and her friends made me enter because no-one liked the mother of the girl who had won the past 3 years. Checkout those skinny pins! Oh, and the glow in the dark sandals. Noice!

For almost 2 years I have kept this blog anonymous, now in the last month I have spilled my name and posted photo's of myself. Oh dear. Although I'm pretty sure no-one would be willing to associate themselves with me in the light of these photo's - if you do know me, please don't tell anyone.

Go join the laughter and dancing at Topcat's house. There's a prize on offer!

PGD cycle

2008-10-09T11:17:00.002+11:00

DH and I had an appointment at the clinic yesterday, we were told it was to be a Genetic Counselling session, compulsory for couples doing Embryo Biopsy/PGD. I wouldn't exactly call it counselling but it was interesting none the less. Basically an embryologist took us through a picture book of what the biopsy actually entails, the particular chromosomes they test and explained half a dozen times that they cannot guarantee that the end result will be a pregnancy or that a child born from this procedure will not have any abnormalities, or indeed that there will even be any embryos without abnormalities to transfer.

I have been so focussed on "okay lets do this to see if we can get some answers" that it didn't occur to me until halfway through the session that we are going to have to pay for this today. We can't really afford this right now. Oops. Minor detail! Bloody hell, where do you just find $6,500? Sorry kids Christmas has just been cancelled.

I've been on the pill for a week now so the sniffing is due to start next week. Yay bring on more headaches. Just what I need. This cycle is the first one where I'm thinking that if the drug side effects get too bad I'm just going to stop taking them and call the whole thing off. Yep, I definitely think this will be our last try.

But then what will I blog about? I'll just have to become a serial lurker.

Weekend Warriors

2008-10-06T15:21:00.003+11:00

During the week DH and I are slaves to our 2 cats, while on weekends we become slaves to his kids. This was another weekend full of driving kids hither and to, and generally being at beck and call despite our mutual feelings of crapiness thanks to some sort of cold/stomach bug thingamy.

Rose had a friend stay Friday night and decided to have a horror movie night. They tried to slip a couple of R-rated ones past me in the video shop; nice try but no cigar. So all night we were subjected to various high pitched screams, squeals and laughter. Quite funny really, reminded me of that TV ad where a sleep-deprived-looking mother opens her daughter's bedroom door to see squealing girls with sheets, blankets and doona's over their heads running around wildly, the voice over says something like "the sleepovers won't last but the sheet's will".

I had to go into work early on Saturday morning but was too sick to get as much done as I had hoped. I rang home to see how DH was doing, "I couldn't stand the squealing and giggling any more so I'm outside doing manly things like washing my car". Hee hee. Poor baby had to cook dinner Saturday night for everyone as I was in bed by 5pm!

Tiger won another g.olf tournament this weekend to add to the other one he won during the week. He thinks this should bring his handicap down to 6. He's obsessed. Thank God though, we often say it's the best thing for him because it keeps him off the streets. Quite a few of kids he used to hang out with are now regular dope smokers, "greening_out" at school and getting into trouble. Most of the people he plays golf with are much older then him. He gets on really well with the retired old men at the Club. They love to teach the youngsters about the etiquette and rules of the game, and they all know his grandfather, which helps keep him in line too. A wise old woman who met Tiger as a toddler told DH "keep this one entertained".

I've been wanting to organise a weekend away for DH and I for a while now, but it keeps getting put it off as things for the kids or family pop up, but I'm quite sure they can all live without us for one weekend while we go lie on a beach. I am going to book it today if it kills me.

What was I thinking?

2008-10-03T12:11:00.002+10:00

I weighed myself this morning.....

The horror! The horror!

Is this thing on?

2008-10-01T16:24:00.005+10:00

Cycle Day 1 was Sunday, and I finally got around to ringing the clinic today. Up to yesterday I had been oscillating still on whether to start now or give myself a break and wait until next year, but then the baby news came through.... So I start on the pill today. Nothing like a little competition to spur a girl on! LOL

My brother and SIL had a boy! Yay, I was hoping they'd have a boy. They used our maternal grandfather's and our father's names which has pleased our parents no end. I'm yet to meet him but already he seems to be taking after his father by proving himself to be a bit of a handful. They were preparing V for a caesarian because bub would not engage (he finally did at the very last minute) and then he gave everyone a fright by choking during his first feed and turning bright blue. The pictures are very cute. My mother tells me he's going to be a stunner like his dad.

Surely it must be my turn next?! Hello? Universe? Can anyone hear me? Is this thing on?

Insanity

2008-09-24T10:14:00.003+10:00

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Then this my friends is insane!

I am starting another cycle. Lucky 13.

Just waiting for the witch to make her appearance then I'm starting on the horrid Pill. If all goes well, embryo transfer should be in early November. The only change from last time is that we are adding Embryo Biopsy to the list of expenses. My Doctor moonlights as a nerdy scientist, so he wants to be able to understand and explain the implantation failure. The most likely culprit at my 'advanced' age is a chromosomal abnormality of the embryo. If nothing else, the biopsy may give us some answers and help us make some decisions about what to do next.

I'm feeling quite negative about the whole thing really. I think I'm preparing myself for the biopsy revealing bad news. Confirming once and for all that my eggs are old and crap and to continue would be useless. I probably need to hear this but I don't want to.

Bumped

2008-09-17T20:11:00.002+10:00

I took my mother-in-law out for lunch today. I had invited my mother as well, but she was waiting on a phone call so couldn't make it! Her fourth Grandchild is due any day now you see. God forbid that she'd be wasting time with me when such important things are happening 100kms away from her.

Oh, I suppose I shouldn't be bitter. I think that my mother is jealous that she's not needed this time, my sister-in-law's mother is here from the UK, so all she can do is sit and wait for the announcement. But, really, I do get sick of being bumped for the Grandkids. Oh, and with every new baby celebration my mother turns to me and whispers "You should at least try to be happy for them". I am Mum, this grimace IS my happy face. ARRRRGGHHHH! I should never have told her!

I love my brother and his wife and I absolutely adore their 2 year old. I truly hope this baby is a boy, my brother will be an awesome dad to a son. But I can't wait until its all over so that we might talk about something else.

Catching up with my age

2008-09-12T10:37:00.005+10:00

As a kid, life seemed to roll on so slowly didn't it? The school week would seem to stretch on forever, and the year between birthdays or Christmas was interminable. Now it all goes so fast, before I even wake up properly in the morning the week has gone! And the months are barely registering. It scares the bejeezus out of me. My husband must be the same as me; we have so many neglected projects at the moment that I wake at 3am and worry and berate myself until I am a buzzing ball of anxiety. I wonder if its just a winter thing, and now we are heading into Summer the days will become longer and I can get more done. I sure hope so. I'd really like to get more sleep.

Work has been so very busy lately, probably a good thing, to really focus on something. We seem to be having the kids over every weekend lately. Leading me to plee with DH "I just need one weekend without kids pleeese" which is kind of disconcerting considering that my main aim in life at present is to have a child myself. But these kids are teenagers, which is, like, totally different. They are selfish and messy and need constant attention and entertainment..... see the difference!!!

Whenever DH's kids are sick, they ring us. "I feel sick can I come to your house?" or "My throat is really sore... what should I do" or "Can Louise take me to the Dentist?" I don't know why they do this. Lately they've all been sick so DH's phone rings off the hook each night. Its great that they keep in such regular contact at their ages, but selfishly I'd occasionally just like an uninterupted evening with my husband.

On Saturday night Dh was about to drive 16yo Tiger to a party. Tiger was getting money out of his wallet and fussing with his hair, I saw DH looking intently at something on the back of the couch, then he quickly stuffed it into his pocket and they left. From my angle, the something on the couch was shiny red plastic about 2 inches square. After they left I suddenly thought OMG that was a condom! Thats why DH shoved it into his pocket so quickly! But Tiger's too young! He can't be having sex! He's just a boy! He still watches cartoon movies for god's sake and uses his baby voice to tell me he's "Hungy" or "Tirsty"! I didn't know whether to be worried or proud he was at least using condoms. When DH returned I learnt the red shiny thing was in fact a lolly wrapper!

Ironically, that night we sat with 13yo Rose and watched the movie Juno. I bawled almost all the way through it. Sadly, I had not thought to warn DH what it was about, so I noticed a few tears on his cheeks too. After it finished DH was giving me a hug in the kitchen, Rose came in, looked at my face and said "Soooo, that was a sad movie for you guys?". They don't know about IVF, mainly because we don't want their mother to know, but I thought that a simple "I'm Vanessa" would have been a great way to introduce it to her. Anyway she loved the movie but thought that the way the father and stepmother dealt with the news of the pregnancy was unrealistic. "All parents would skitz if their 16yo daughter got pregnant". Oh. Okay.

At the moment it seems that the Screaming Banshee has lightened her attacks on Rose, and now has Tiger in her sights. Every week lately she rings DH threatening to kick Tiger out of her house. I doubt that she will, because in her eyes keeping the kids with her means winning whatever twisted competition she thinks divorce is. But if she does, boy won't that shake things up around here. Am I ready for this? I have a theory that babies are small and cute and cuddly and smell so good, so that you still love them when they become aggressive, moody teenagers.

Enter at your own risk

2008-08-28T09:50:00.006+10:00

Be warned: following is a long, rambling, possibly incoherent post by an emotionally fragile middle-aged woman struggling to cope with the shitty cards life has dealt her, most recently two biochemical pregnancies in a goddamn row. Oh, and it will probably contain several swear words.

We met with Dr No the other night, and while he had no answers he was excited that we'd gotten so close. I expected all doom and gloom and 'you should be considering donor eggs', etc, and so burst into tears almost as soon as I sat down. Damn stupid emotions. But instead he said he was pleased with my egg quality and fertilisation rates and recommended that we try again. He said he didn't consider me old, or unhealthy, or obese (come to Australia WordGirl, we might well be the fattest nation but we live happily in denial!). While I admit to being the heaviest I have ever been, I have tried IVF 10kg lighter and had no joy then either so I don't really think weight makes any difference.

It's so frustrating to not know why IVF isn't working. All of the tests are clear, and for all intents and purposes I am perfectly 'normal'. My eggs and embyro's look okay but obviously just turn to shit after blastocyst stage. Or maybe I just have the womb of doom, which kills anything that even attempts to implant. Either way, it completely and utterly sucks.

I have become aware in the last six months that IVF has overtaken my life. I live, breathe and sleep TTC and IVF. While I am not yet willing to give up blogging, I am attempting to reclaim my life in all other areas. I have gone back to work full time, resigned from the IVF support group, and even spilled the beans to my brothers. Sadly I think this is my way of preparing to stop the TTC battle. My life has been in a holding pattern for too long now, it can't continue. I am not living, I'm just existing until I have a baby. But I need to concede that it may never happen. As much as it makes me cry just to type that sentence. It's the truth. It has cost so much, financially, spiritually and emotionally. It's not fair on my husband. I. Need. To. Move. On.

But in typical Louise fashion, why make a decision today when it can be put off until tomorrow. I think that I need one more try to be able to tell myself that I did everything I could. Its such a momentous decision. I have to live with this forever. I have to be sure. Fuck. I'm so upset that I have to deal with this shit. Why can't I just be deciding on whether or not to get a fucking tattoo!

Bad news day

2008-08-18T08:35:00.003+10:00

The hpt this morning was negative.

I have not gone in for the blood test. Not strong enough today..... maybe tomorrow, maybe next week...

Hello again

2008-08-14T13:38:00.001+10:00

Welcome back to Purgatory, weren't you just here in May?

I am a little bit pregnant, not very much, but more than last time.

My beta came back at 62.

Although Wednesday's pee stick was slightly darker, I knew it would be low but I was hoping for over 100. Now we have to wait until Monday for the next test.

I can't thank you enough for your support. I wish I had something more definitive for us to celebrate, but according to my husband I'm not one for doing things normally. I honestly would be lost without all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope to have better news on Monday.

Pee sticks are evil

2008-08-12T09:59:00.005+10:00

This is my first experience with a positive pee stick before the blood test.
I think I'm doing it right; same brand, first pee of the day, more than 10 days after the trigger shot.
Yesterday's second line was faint.
This morning's was bordering on the invisible.
I have no symptoms.
I tried not to get excited. But in rode Hope wearing her full regalia on her fancy white horse, Moet in one hand, party shoes in the other. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her this morning. I imagine she's trying to sleep off a hangover in a corner somewhere, tiara askew, one shoe missing.
Today I'm confused and scared.
Mostly scared.
Why is my line disappearing?

Thursday afternoon is an age away.
How do I function like a sane person until then?

8dp5dt or 13dpo

2008-08-11T09:09:00.004+10:00

The HPT this morning had a very faint second line!

Please continue doing whatever you are doing. Wish me up a big fat beta result on Thursday and real live take-home baby. Please.....

I do believe in Dr Weston, I do, I do

Midweek madness

2008-08-07T13:20:00.004+10:00

Am I waiting for joy or waiting for heartbreak?

News on Monday was that out of 40+ follicles, 21 eggs, 10 embryos, and 2 blastocysts transferred - non of the remaining embryos were good enough to freeze. In fact, the nurse said they had all started to degenerate. Bugger.

Maybe they shouldn't give you this information until after the pregnancy test, because of course now my mind is thinking that if the rest of the batch were no good then there is no hope for the two transferred.

I am trying to push past this by spending embarrassing amounts of time just staring at photos of the Jolie.Pitt non-ivf twins, as if I can will the same into my uterus (though mine of course will be loud and proud ivf twins).

A funny thing happened at the transfer, besides leaving my wallet and phone (which my darling husband went back to collect the next day). My Doctor, whom I call Dr No because of his refusal to consider scientifically unproven treatments, told me to "just believe". Mind you, this was just after he told us of his personal 50% success rate, so perhaps I'm mistaken in thinking he meant I should believe in the universe giving me what I want or like in Peter Pan 'I do believe in fairies, I do, I do', perhaps he meant I should just believe in him. To cover all bases, I'm doing both.

Blast off!

2008-08-03T19:14:00.002+10:00

I survived the early wake up call this morning and didn't smack anyone! I was so proud, but then I left my wallet and phone at the hospital, so not so happy with myself now.

There was another Dr on duty today but my new FS came in especially just to do my transfer. I think he has control issues, but still it was very nice of him. My other FS personally performed exactly none of my previous 9 retrievals and 8 transfers.

Anyway, I had 2 lovely looking blastocysts transferred into, I think, the fluffiest lining I have ever produced. So if this one doesn't work I'm not sure there is anywhere else for us to go, but that's a worry for another day.

Feeling very crampy, so its off to bed for this little black duck. Good luck to everyone cycling this month.

All set for transfer

2008-08-02T10:59:00.003+10:00

7 little embies are still growing this morning, so everything looks set for a 2 blasty transfer tomorrow. Unfortunately I am booked in for 7.45am! I have two small problems with this; 1) we live about 2 hours from this clinic, and 2) I am not a morning person at the best of times. I am a very cranky woman if I have to get out of bed when the time starts with a 5 on a weekday, so on a Sunday, oh boy, its not gonna be pretty.

And while I'm having a whinge, can I just say that my insides hurt like a motherf*#^er when I sneeze, which is all bloody day! The things we put our self through....

“Any child I might possibly bear had better be an absolute angel. I’m talking breathtaking physical beauty and slavish obedience.”

One of my favourite quotes from Ovagirl's book Legs up & Laughing.

Then there were ten

2008-07-30T18:42:00.002+10:00

Of the 21 eggs, eleven were good enough for ICSI and ten fertilised.

Still sore and sorry. Sunday will be transfer day.

New trick - old chook

2008-07-29T18:48:00.003+10:00

21 eggs collected today.
21!
Not too shabby for such an old chook!
From 40+ follicles
Polycystic much?

Dr No was bragging that he can collect more eggs than most of the other surgeons, but tomorrow will be the telling point. How many will be mature enough to fertilise?

Still bleeding, pain about a 6 out of 10, but thats the easy bit done, now comes the hard part...

Good Golly Follie

2008-07-25T16:08:00.003+10:00

The sonographer today counted 40+ follicles! No wonder I couldn't get out of bed this morning!

I have been worrying about doubling my dose of Pure.gon this time and overstimulating, but the follie count hasn't gone up terribly much from last time and my hormone levels are fine so it all looks ok so far.

Most of the follicles are about between 12-14mm so I'll have 2 more stims and then trigger Sunday night. Retrieval will be Tuesday. I have to travel about 2 hours to the other clinic because Dr No wants to do the procedure himself. To be honest I actually prefer the other clinic, the view is not as good, but they only do gyno procedures so its more comfortable, and prettier too.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post, I really appreciate your input. Rose is coming this weekend so I'll talk to her then. Pam at Wordgirl, I have to say that step-parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done too. LL you make me laugh so much my ovaries hurt! Unfortunately yes, the Screaming Banshee is definitely a wanna-be Rober.ta Willia.ms, with purple hair!

Teenage Angst

2008-07-22T18:00:00.004+10:00

I read somewhere that the two most difficult years of a woman's life are the year she turns 13 and the year her daughter turns 13. My stepdaughter, the gorgeous Rose, is halfway through her 13th year. DH and I have no problems with her whatsoever, but admittedly she's only with us a couple of nights a fortnight. At her mother's house there are almost nightly yelling incidents between her and The Screaming Banshee (her mother) and sometimes the Loser Boyfriend, which all too often escalate into violence, verbal abuse and tears.

We, of course, just get Rose's side of the story. She is a strong willed girl and I'm sure she could be a handful if she wanted to be, after all she is her mother's daughter. And as the name suggests, her mother is a Screaming Banshee with a very short fuse. She is prone to massive temper tantrums in which she will scream, yell, and throw insults (and the occasional object). Her most popular insult at the moment is to call Rose a slut, which has its desired effect of reducing Rose to tears. Rose rang DH this morning upset because she heard her mother telling someone else that 'Rose is becoming a real little slut'.

There have been many incidents over the years that I have felt warranted our intervention, but DH has always been reluctant, he doesn't want to give the Banshee an excuse to enter our lives so we shouldn't enter hers. But I am struggling with this. Rose is on the cusp of that age when boys become all consuming, I don't want her to be making decisions with thoughts in her head like 'oh well Mum already thinks I'm a slut'.

I talk alot with Rose about body image and self esteem but we haven't spoken directly about this. I sent her an email today with a daggy little 'I love you' song (so cute!) to cheer her up, but I apart from "your mother is an idiot" I'm not sure what to say.

Sorry about my rant, but I'm in need of some assvice. I understand that parenting teenage girls is difficult, but what kind of mother calls her 13 year old a slut?! How do you ask/tell a co-parent to change the way they are parenting their child? How do I undo the poison this woman is putting in her daughter's head? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Multi-tasking Mania

2008-07-21T17:33:00.004+10:00

DH and I have so many projects happening at once we are giving multi-tasking a bad name! Poor DH is working ridiculous hours but still can't catch up, which is not helping him to get over his Shingles. Oops, that's 2 posts now that I have called him "Poor DH". I shouldn't do that, he already thinks that DH stands for 'd!ckhead' so 'poor d!ickhead' is probably quite insulting. In case you thought the same... DH actually stands for Darling Husband - which he is by the way and not a d!ckhead at all (well except for that one time when he got drunk at my brother's wedding, but lets not go there!)

Anyhoo, back to the point. We have sooooo much on that life is just not much fun at the moment. We are paying out money hand over fist and not really getting anything in return. We know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and eventually all this mania will pay dividends, but its hard to remember that right now.

We went out for dinner with friends in the city on Friday night, so rather than drive the hour home only to get up and drive all the way back in the morning, I booked a Hotel room. It was lovely to be 'home' so quick after dinner and relax with a nightcap (or two) then get up and have a leisurely breakfast in the morning. It's very hard to make the injection part of the evening romantic, but I got dolled up, wearing make-up and even matching underwear! I think this was the biggest surprise of the night! Not sexy underwear mind you, just the same colour. I don't want you to think I went totally overboard!

Saturday was spent putting together an I.KEA kitchen in our almost finished brand new office building. I think their instructions are written in Chinese first then translated to Swedish then to English, and the person who draws the little diagrams aspires to be a political satire cartoonist. But we got most of it built, although it took all day and we got no other work done. I did suggest to DH that we get a kitchen manufacturer to build a kitchen for us, but he suggested that I pull my head in. Personally I think if you have to build it yourself it's not cheap at all, but maybe that's just because I come from a family full of technically-inept men.

Dinner was interesting on the Friday night. W is quite a few years older than DH and this is his second marriage, his children are all adults. C is my age and said very plainly that she has never wanted to have kids. DH and I looked at each other and I knew right away what he was thinking. So many of our friends are like this. We thought of at least 4 couples right away who are childless by choice or whose children have left home, who would be extremely disappointed in us if we suddenly (in their minds) announced we were having a baby. This makes me feel sad in one way, that we would probably lose friends if we had a baby, but strangely happy in another, if this IVF lark proves impossible at least we have a network of friends who won't ask why we don't have kids.

Can you believe it....... Cycle#12

2008-07-18T10:13:00.002+10:00

In the wise words of Chris Martin and Cold Play (The Scientist)

nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Injections started last night for Cycle number 12. This is only the second full down-regulated cycle I have done, the first being my very first IVF. But this time the new Doc has doubled my Pure.gon dose which could be interesting. I'm terribly worried about over stimulating but we shall wait and see, it could be the one thing that makes all the difference. I truly hope it is.

Weighed Down

2008-07-14T10:33:00.003+10:00

My weight loss goal of 5kg before the end of July is not going well. I have been to the gym twice in the past week and have had 2 migraines in the past week. My migraines usually only last about 24 hours but leave me fuzzy and feeling pretty drained for a few days afterwards - during which time I eat lots of lovely comfort foods to make myself feel better... I dare not weigh myself this week.

My old Pilate's instructor told me that if the body is weak it will not get pregnant. I keep trying things to strengthen my body, but this happens every time. I suffer regular headaches at the best of times (my theory has something to do with weak neck muscles), and if I persist with the gym work maybe I can fix whatever the problem is and be rid of them forever. But my body seems to be blocking any attempt I make at trying to help it. I don't understand this body of mine. Why can't it just work properly?!

I read an article recently, written by a kinesiologist, about the subconscious, the part of the brain that connects with the nervous system and tries to keep our bodies safe from pain and fear (fight or flight responses). It said that the subconscious can put up mental blocks that can work against us getting pregnant. In a life or death situation like starvation it will tell the body to 'shut down' certain functions to preserve itself. In term of trying to conceive, the article says that if you have pets (or even a job) that you mother, your subconscious may tell your body to 'shut down' your reproductive functions because you already have babies to care for. Or, if you have unresolved emotional issues to do with childhood trauma involving a parent or parental figure, your subconscious may block pregnancy trying to save you the pain of reliving the trauma should you become a parent yourself.

I am wary of kinesiologists. The few I have met have all seemed a really flaky and weird. But I'm starting to think that there may be something in this particular theory. Because I was se.xually assaulted as a child, my teenage years were horrible as I dealt with my emerging se.xuality and I still have a few hangups. So it's safe to say that I probably have a few subconscious blocks relating to this, but whether or not they are to blame for my infertility I'm not sure. But, just in case, I have recently started trying to deal with this by saying out loud (to my empty house) things that happened and repeating to myself that "I WILL be a great mother" and "I CAN protect my children". Perhaps I should also add "My body is healthy and strong and ready to reproduce".

Verbally advanced 2 year olds and impending births

2008-07-07T13:13:00.006+10:00

My DH has been so stressed and overworked lately that he's had a dose of shingles, poor baby. He's had it before and it tends to reappear when he's run down. Unfortunately, there is nothing to be done for it so he has just had to suffer through. Mind you, he's very good at this - a martyr from way back!

We were on our way to my parents house on Saturday when my younger brother rang to invite himself to see us, so instead he invited himself to our parents as well. Both Mum and Dad are quite sick with colds so it was just meant to be a very quiet weekend, a bit of a pity party really, but all of a sudden Mum had to cater for an extra 2 adults and a 2 year old. Which of course she did fine, because she's another martyr!

I love my brother and his wife, and their daughter is just gorgeous too, but as always my stomach drops and I wonder how I will cope seeing my SIL in all her 7 month pregnant glory. My concern is my wayward emotions, its not that I envy her or hate her for her ability to do what I can't. I just worry that I will cry at an inopportune time or say something terribly bitter or morose, like "Goddamn it, why can't I be 7 months pregnant!" and make everyone uncomfortable. We have not told them about our struggles, although I'm sure that my mother has. We get on really well and I'm positive they would be very supportive (her 2 closest friends are doing IVF, one has 2 kids the other has none as yet) but I just can't seem to find the right time/situation to bring it up.

How do you drop "we've been trying to have a baby together for 5 years and are about to start our 12th attempt" into general conversation? Especially when there is a verbally advanced 2 year old and an impending birth to talk about. Consequently, we didn't tell them and my mother accused us of being quiet, and DH didn't get the relaxing weekend I was hoping for.

As an aside, my SIL had this picture book about a new baby coming into a family. It was terribly disturbing. The family were zebra's, the mother wore a dress but the father only wore a hat (feeding the theory that women should be ashamed of their bodies?). Anyway Mama Zebra goes away and comes back with a baby which has a speech balloon on almost every page of "Whah, whah, whah". Little Boy Zebra wants a cuddle from Mama Zebra but Mama Zebra is too busy feeding, cleaning or otherwise placating New Baby Zebra. Little Boy Zebra gets increasingly distressed throughout the story "Can I have a cuddle now?!" until finally Mama Zebra gives him a cuddle and reads him a bedtime story. My brother and SIL had better hope that their verbally advanced child cannot understand the moral of this story - that once this baby is born she'll be ignored all day until bedtime - or they'll have a mutiny on their hands!

Mega-bitch

2008-06-28T11:11:00.002+10:00

You know, strange as this may sound, sometimes infertility has its advantages. Infertile people don't have worry about contraception. Take the birth control pill.... because I sure as hell can't!!!

My new protocol involves taking the pill for a month. I am 7 days in and I am a bitch, a horrible, nasty, angry witch who'd bite heads off chickens! I have to keep my mouth shut tight in case the nasty thoughts in my head actually make their way out. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and bawl. I have a thumping headache and the startings of a cold which don't help either, but I know its mostly due to the pill.

I remember when I moved in with my first husband I started taking the pill, and I think I lasted a similar amount of time before he threw them out and told me not to take them ever again. The change in my mood was so dramatic. I took it again for a few months when I first started seeing my DH, but I don't remember any adverse reactions then.

I hope this is temporary, or this cycle will have to be cancelled. HELP! Any ideas? Vitamin B maybe? St Johns Wort? Crystal m.eth? :0(

Depleted Optimism

2008-06-27T05:23:00.002+10:00

I've decided that I need to increase my level of optimism. I am entering into a new IVF cycle, with a new FS and a new protocol, even a new hospital, and I should be hopeful and excited about it. Who knows, this may well be my last shot at motherhood (but please don't quote me on that, I'm almost out of steely resolve too).

My Darling Husband is an eternal optimist with everything in his life. In his business he constantly bites off more than he can chew and then just chews like mad, never doubting that it can be done. I am the naysayer of the relationship. I'll even admit to being a little resistant to change. DH comes up with grand schemes, for a holiday, for rebuilding our house, for the business. Like a puppy, he comes bounding up and starts playfully nudging my hand "let's do this, why don't we do that?". Then he hits a brick wall. Me. Within seconds I can come up with 10 reasons why we can't. The usual one is "we can't afford it" and, oh, how he hates that one.

With IVF, he is certain that each cycle will be successful, which is probably why he finds the whole thing so hard. Each month he asks when I'm ovulating. I have PCOS, I do not ovulate normally. Do you not understand why we're doing IVF? But each month he is optimistic, despite the diagnosis, despite 15 years failing to conceive, despite 12 unsuccessful cycles of ART treatment, that we will miraculously fall pregnant 'naturally'.

Oh how I envy him that optimism - its almost like a religion. He kneels at the alter of Optimism and will not waver in his beliefs. How good would that be! But how do you 'catch' that sort of religious fervour? DH thinks his optimism stems from playing sport. The mentality that even if your team is down by a huge margin, you can't give in to negative thoughts, you have to keep playing as if winning is still possible. He cites a beautiful example, forever embedded in Australian sporting folklore. An Australian was competing in the speed skating final at the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, five competitors were skating around and around in a circle with our Aussie coming way last. On the final corner the leader slipped and fell taking out the three competitors directly behind him and our man was able to glide right on past to win Australia's first ever Winter Olympic gold medal. He later said that was exactly the outcome he was hoping for. So very Australian.

At this point I should explain that this train of thought began at 3.30am, but don't worry I'm almost done! I am wondering if it's possible to change from being a pessimist to become an optimist? I really want to be positive about this cycle, after all there are many things to be excited about, so I will attempt to change my spots. Negative thoughts and pessimism consider yourselves banished.

I think an apology is in order

2008-06-23T11:29:00.004+10:00

Thank you kind friends for checking in on me. I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I am very very sorry for being so slack. A couple of things have been going on but nothing to excuse such an extended absence.

I have a new job! I have never really done this sort of work before so have been doing some training and struggling just to get my head around it. To be honest I'm a bit scared that I will completely stuff it up, but diving in head first anyway.

The D&C has also thrown me a bit as well. It sounds ridiculous because its not the same at all, but since the low positive and the D&C I feel I have been grieving another miscarriage. Not the raw grief and tears like last time, but this time anger, confusion and isolating myself (which I have always been good at). I considered giving up altogether, I considered donor eggs, I even considered moving to a third world country and setting up an orphanage. After all this considering, my only decision was to delay any decisions until after hearing the results from Doctor No.

Which we did last week. The barrage of tests have all come back offering no discernible reason for my 'recurrent implantation failure'. His only advise was to keep going with treatment, but this time try a 'standard' IVF with the contraceptive pill and long down regulation protocol. DH and I barely had time to discuss what we wanted to do when AF unexpectedly arrived and forced my hand - we either start now and transfer at the end of July, or wait to start in July and transfer late August. I decided on the former, so apparently Cycle Number 12 has begun.

I have joined a gym in the hope of shedding at least 5kg by the end of July, and trying to get my diet under control. I need to cut back on my sugar intake, it does my PCOS absolutely no favours but I do love and crave it so. I am an average cook but a lazy one and not a big fan of my winter vegies, but I put it in writing here that I will make more of an effort. I even made pumpkin soup on the weekend! My Chiropractor says I need to include 15+ fruit/veg in my diet daily but I just can't see that happening.

First AF since the D&C has been a true bitch. I haven't had one this heavy and painful for years. So bad that it has been waking me during the night. I think this is what's been causing my weird dreams. The last few nights I dreamed that I was pregnant (one night I was carrying 4 babies, one for me and 3 for one of you!), last night I went to bed hoping to have the same dreams again but instead some guy shot me about 6 times in the back as I was running away and left me to bleed to death. I prefer the pregnant dreams please.

I've been doing some quick lurking so I'm aware of what most of you are up to, but it may take me a couple of days to catch up on my commenting. Slacker. Sorry.

Empty Uterus

2008-05-24T11:49:00.002+10:00

The hyster.oscopy wasn't as bad as I expected. I am recovering quite well with a heat pack and ibopro.fen. No fibroids or polyps were found which is good, but still leaves us in the dark about what the hell is wrong. I have to wait until next week to have my blood taken and then meet again with Dr No in a couple of weeks to discuss the endometrial biopsy results. I hope there is a treatable answer in their somewhere.

Trading blows with Doctor No

2008-05-21T18:16:00.004+10:00

My Doctor is away for a couple of months and planning on retiring soon, so last night I met the Doctor who is taking over the practice. Camp as a row of tents but very blunt and to the point. The first thing he said was a comment on how big my file is. When I asked why we seem to be having trouble with implantation his first answer was "the biggest factor would be maternal age". Ouch. Nice right hook you have there mister.

I asked if we needed to look at my estrogen levels (no, they're fine), immune testing (no, don't trust the science) and PGD testing (no, waste of money). I forgot to ask about assisted hatching, but my guess is that he wouldn't like that either. Poor DH and the medical student just whistled and studied the ceiling while I threw all my DrGoogle questions at the Doctor and he hurled his blunt answers back at my head. They must hate patients who do their own research.

So our new plan of attack starts with more bloodwork and a investigative hystero.scopy and D&C. Tomorrow!

I'm scared. I hate the gas they fill you with during these things and all the feedback I've heard about this new Doctor is that he is very thorough and so his procedures are extra painful. I'm pretty sure, after all the procedures I've had in the last few years, if there was anything to find it would have been found already. But at this point I'm just happy that he's willing to cover all the bases with me, and if we rule everything else out and just leave "maternal age" then maybe I'll be more willing to accept that its time to stop.

Weekend Fallout

2008-05-19T11:55:00.005+10:00

It's official. I have become my worst nightmare!

I went to a friend's place on Friday night, for a cocktail party where a dull woman undersold the many merits of very expensive plasticware. There was about a dozen women all known to my friend through their children's school, then myself and another friend. I should have known. I shouldn't have gone in the first place. The conversation was all babies and children. I was coping, barely, until a woman near me started to talk about how her 6 month old was born despite her husband having had a vasectomy. The other women huddled around, including my two friends, making comments like "oh you poor thing", "you should sue" and "if I fell pregnant again I would just die". And then it happened... I started crying and had to leave the room. I hid in a bedroom, and the tears just wouldn't stop.

K1 and K2 are my closest friends and we have known each other for 15+ years. They are the only friends who know that DH and I are doing IVF. Both of them are Social Workers, but their reactions couldn't have been more different. K2 came looking for me and apologised for her insensitivity, she said she hadn't put herself in my shoes before and it only just occurred to her that moments like that might be hard for me. She sat and talked with me while I cried. K1, the host of the party, was immensely pissed off and kept coming into the room looking for things then going out again leaving the door wide open. I don't know if she was jealous that K2 and I were doing something without her or if she was just uncomfortable with the open display of emotions. I didn't bother to ask. The next morning we went out for breakfast and K1 announced that we should go to Phu.ket for a week early next year, in celebration of us all turning 40, and because "its the first time in 10 years that none of us are pregnant or breastfeeding".

Does everyone else have trouble maintaining friendships IRL? Should I try to explain things, ask for more support and sensitivity from them, or just let it go? Its so hard. I wouldn't cope at all if it wasn't for my soul mate, my darling husband. And you guys are just brilliant, you always comment with love and are a great support to me, even when you are having a tough time yourselves. Yet my RL friends won't even ring me in the next few weeks to check if I'm ok. Perhaps I am too high maintenance for them now?

How quickly we fall

2008-05-14T15:00:00.003+10:00

11dp5dt - beta 27 , progesterone 300
16dp5dt - beta 0 , progesterone 6

Fuck. Fuckitty. Fuck. Fuck.