Wednesday 4 August 2010

To Kayla; now that you're One

This is not going to be the usual wordsmithed blog that you have become accustom to from this site, the reason for this is that it’s Lou’s DH writing this. It took me a while to decide to do this and even longer to work out the passwords, unfortunately the news is very bad, We lost Lou in August this year. You were all a great support for Lou and a large and enjoyable part of her (our) life. I thought it only fair to let you know what happened, Lou was taken off the drug trial due to the rapid growth of existing tumors as well as the detection of others, we then went on to chemotherapy which had no effect and told she had 3 months to live, about 9 days later she passed.

We ended up having a great birthday party for Kayla early in August complete with jumping castles and all the bells and whistles, we fluked it for great weather and Lou was having a good day and was up and about , we really couldn’t have asked for it to be better, It was made all the more unreal that the people that were having a great time with us on Sunday, 13 days later, were at her funeral.

Lou rang me on the Wednesday while I was at work saying that the regular blood results had got back and that she was having trouble getting on top of the pain, this wasn’t anything we hadn’t experienced before except that the doctor had requested that she get an ambulance to the local hospital to treat the pain more effectively, I got home to find Lou a bit concerned but in good spirits, with Lou’s parents looking after Kayla, I followed the ambulance to the hospital, on arrival at the hospital we discussed with the doctors that she had radiation treatment booked for Friday in Melbourne and at that time the hospital staff booked transport to take her to Melbourne via ambulance for Friday morning, again Lou was great once the pain had been treated, we both thought that this was precautionary measure after advise from the resident doctor and remembering that only a few days ago the Melbourne professor had given us 3 months. It was not until late Thursday when doctors advised us that we should cancel our radiation appointment as Lou had deteriorated over night that the alarm bells started going, again at no time were we given any indication from staff just how serious her condition had become, at this point I contacted family and friends to let them know that it wasn’t going to be a two night stay as originally thought. Lou said as a fleeting comment “I hope I am going home” I remember saying don’t even think that. But then the cruncher was on Friday while I was in the middle of swapping with Lou’s parents looking after Kayla so Lou’s parents could be with her for a few hours in the afternoon and Lou was by herself for not longer than half an hour the doctor came in and told her that she wouldn’t be going home. Lou was fairly heavily medicated and very distressed and rang me. The next hour was a bit of a blur as I raced to Lou’s side and tried to make sense of the situation with grief, anger and sympathy exploding inside me, my only concern was Lou. Family and friends called in over the next 24 hours and Lou would wave in and out of conciseness but was coherent enough to chat to everyone, her two best friends stayed the night on Friday, It was Saturday night after many visitors with Lou’s waking times becoming further apart, it was just Lou and I by ourselves just holding hands, we did this a lot, it might sound corny but we used to lie in bed and hold hands and talk for hours laugh and cry, this night it was just me doing the talking and crying as I watched her breaths become shallower and further apart until nothing.

I can tell you how hard its been for me juggling my 2 older kids at home my work with 15 staff and my little 13 month old girl but it just doesn’t compare to how hard it would have been for my beautiful wife to leave her perfect daughter behind.

I love telling everyone about Lou’s Blog and the amount of comments she gets, Please leave a comment I would love to print them out and show our daughter one day. Thanks again

Below is a poem that was written by my 15 year old daughter that was read out at the service

I was sitting in my room, looking at your picture.
Wondering why you couldn't make it to my future.
Uncontrollable tears stream down my face,
While my heart beat starts to race.
Asking God why he took you from my life,
It was more painful than stabbing me in the heart with a knife.
I still needed you here
you were the one to make everything so clear.
You are a part of me and I am apart of you
when you died a part of me died too.
I never knew how hard it was to lose someone you love
until the day you went to heaven above.
Even though I can't see,
I know you’re up there watching over me.

You were the best friend I ever had

And you were there for me through the good times and the bad.

I love and miss you more than you knew

You taught me so much, I want to thank you.

I miss hearing your voice and seeing your smile

Just being with you and hanging out a while.

A thousand times we needed you.

A thousand times we cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

A heart of gold stopped beating,

Two twinkling eyes closed to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove he only took the best.

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me,

Or that you were the best mum, better than any could be.

I love you Lou. I Always Will.


SassyCupcakes said...

I'm so sorry. I'm in tears. There are no words for this kind of loss. I'm so glad Lou made it to Kayla's birthday, but it breaks my heart that she won't be around for the next one.

Your daughters poem is just perfect. She was such an awesome woman. I'm so sorry that you and your children have lost her. You're all in my thoughts. I'll never forget her.

aimeemax said...

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear of Lou's passing. What a terrible time for your family, it's just so incredibly unfair. Thank you so much for taking the time and making the effort to come in here and tell us.

Kayla, always know that your Mama wanted you and loved you so very much.

All my love to you and all your family.


Joy said...

I can't believe it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Which is unfathomable. This blog will be a memory of the good times and bad, and of how much Kayla for longed for, and how much joy her mother had for such a short time.

kasey said...

I am so sad and sorry to hear this.

I will always remember the happiness she brought to my life and how better I am to have been able to connect with her.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I somehow stumbled upon Lou's blog around the time she discovered the drug trial, and I was hoping for the best possible outcome. She was a very gifted writer and an inspiration for infertile women. Thinking of your family.

Meg. said...

Many, many tears are falling right now due Lou's passing. Mine included. Saying, "I'm sorry for your loss" doesn't even begin to cut it. How can it?

Thank you for updating us. I'd been pulling so hard for Lou. It's so hard to make sense of the loss of her life.

However, I'm so glad she was able to fully enjoy Kayla's first birthday. I'm sure this alone was priceless for Lou.

Kayla's mom, your wife, your other daughters' step mother -- was a true warrior in every sense.

Sending your family loads of love during this terribly difficult time.

Wordgirl said...

I am crying in my living room in Minnesota - Louise was one of my best blogging friends, a fellow stepmother who I started corresponding with in 2007 when I started my blog. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. She was such a great great comfort to me in my journey through stepmotherhood and to motherhood --- I was so grateful to be able to see us both have litle girls and hoped they would meet someday.

Kayla -- your mother was a beautiful, funny, loving person who was kind and caring and wanted you so very much...your coming into her life was such an incredible miracle.

Rose -- she wrote of you and your brother to me alot. She loved you so much.

I always called her Louise...if it would be okay I'd like to compile her kind comments to me on my old blog (recently closed) and perhaps I could send them to you somehow.

I am thinking of you and your children.

And I will always remember and be so grateful for Louise's friendship,


Betty M said...

I am so very sorry to read this terrible news. I only knew Lou through her comments on Pam's blog and had been meaning to come over but hadn't until now. Thinking of you, Kayla and all your family now and for the future.

alisa said...

Oh, I'm just so sorry. Your wife's love and dedication to her family will always be remembered. It just breaks my heart to think of her having to leave the children behind. Soneday, when Kayla is a mother she will understand how difficult this must have been for her own mother.

Stacie said...

The tears are flowing here in California and have been since I read this post. I am so very saddened to hear the news of Louise's passing. I am truly heart broken.

Louise was such a wonderful, caring, and supportive person. Her love for her Kayla and entire family was evident in all that she wrote. She was so very happy when her dreams of motherhood became a reality!

My heart and love goes out to all of you.

ColourYourWorld said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I have been thinking of Lou and wondering how she was getting on. This news just breaks my heart and brings me to tears. Your story is very close to mine after losing my husband a few months back only he didn't get to celebrate his sons first birthday.

Kayla you are adorable, you will bring you Daddy so much strength, strength he probably never knew he had.
Your Mum was an amazing woman she loved and wanted you so very much.

princessjo1988 said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

That is not fair.

Kayla, you were long awaited for, and well loved.

Kristin said...

I am so damned sorry to hear that cancer took another great person. I only knew Lou through other people but I continually heard how wonderful she was and how desperately she fought to stay here with her beloved family and much longed for daughter Kayla. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sami said...

I am so sorry to hear of Lou's passing. My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you.

luna said...

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your lovely wife and kayla's mother. words don't begin to convey the sorrow or the void she leaves behind. wishing you all peace and strength in your healing.

Mina said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I've just come upon her blog, and I can already see that Lou was an amazing person through and through.

Once A Mother said...

It is with tears and sorrow that I write this comment. Your wife was a strong woman, anyone reading her blog posts could see that in her, and as someone who lost her daughter to cancer, my heart just aches for you all. I hate that Cancer has stolen her from your life, Kayla's life, and your other children's lives. I think it is beautiful that you want to print out this blog for your daughter. Print every post. They are the words of her mother, and Kayla will, through them, grow knowing her mother's spirit so well, and how very, very loved she was by her momma. Sending prayers for peace to you. I am SO incredibly sorry for your loss.

Delenn said...

I am so deeply sorry. I often lurked on her blog and was impressed with the warmth and compassion, wit and strength that she conveyed in her writing. I am happy that she was there for her daughter's birthday party. I am sad that such a beautiful person has left this life. And I thank you for posting and letting us know. That poem is wonderful.

Love to you all.

~stinkb0mb~ said...

There are no words that will take away the pain you're feeling now. Cancer is such a horrible beast, it always takes away the good ones with no reason and with such swiftness I've found of late.

I'm glad to read that Lou made it to Kayla's birthday, may she be surrounded with memories of her and reminded daily of what a wonderful woman her mother was.


Lisa said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss, your whole family's loss.

Lou was such a wonderful blogging friend to me, always cheering me on in my quest to start a family, crying with me when things didn't work out, and offering her wisdom and support as my husband and I moved on to the next stage in our life.

Kayla, I'm so glad you have a loving family to grow up in. When you're older, you will come to realize just how much your mom and dad (and everyone in their lives) wanted you, and I — along with countless others — was overjoyed when you came into the world, into your beautiful mother's waiting arms. You were her dream come true.

loribeth said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Eden Riley said...

To dear Kayla,

Sobbing so hard right now. I think I will email you a letter. You are a beautiful cherub, oh your mummy wanted you so much. She wanted you and missed you, before you were even born!

Kayla's dad - thank you so much for writing this post. Thank you for sharing. Holding her hand and talking to her and laughing for hours is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. I wish you peace and love, and I will think of you often.

To Louise's stepchildren .... I first came across Louise's blog years ago, and laughed and laughed at the title. I am a stepmother too, so we swapped lots of stories together, online. I told her she had to change her blogs name - she was not evil at all, she loved you all too much! She loved you three so very much. I wish I could hug you and look into your eyes and tell you that.

Louise supported me, when my husband got diagnosed with cancer. He's in remission now. You never ever know what is coming up next in life. Love each other. Forgive quickly. Cherish every moment.

I'm thinking of all of you, every day, for a long while to come.



Anonymous said...

My condolences. I am so very sorry for your loss.
I can't remember exactly when I stumbled across Lou's blog, but it was a long time ago. I don't read that many blogs, but something just appealed to me about hers. I was so very happy for her when she got pregnant; and of course so very sad to hear of her diagnosis. And then, I was so hopeful that some of the breakthroughs on the drugs for melanoma would be just in time for her.
Kayla should know how very much her mother wanted and loved her. The blog is a great keepsake in that regard. And all your kids of course were loved by her.
I am very sad for you; but I am glad that Lou realized her dream of getting pregnant, and giving birth to a healthy wonderful child, and got to spend that year with her.

m said...

The tears are flowing and my heart breaks for you and your beautiful children - there are no words, I am just so very, very sorry; and that just doesn't seem like enough...
Holding you all in my heart. xxxx

battynurse said...

I'm so very sorry. My heart goes out to all of you and hope that you know how many prayers you will be in. Thank you for the update and many hugs to you all.

Anonymous said...

I was so sorry to hear of Lou's loss - I stumbled upon her blog about a year ago and loved her sense of humour and strong energy that came through in every post. She will be missed by her family and also by the wider community who knew her only online. Kayla your mother was a wonderful person.

Beautiful Mess said...

While I didn't know your wife and mother very well, what I did know of her was nothing but pure love and joy. I am truly sorry for your loss. Please know that whenever you get sad or lonely, she is there with you, all the time.

Bea said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - all of you, your whole family, living on without her, and of course for Lou herself.


Anonymous said...

I was encouraged to visit Lou's blog by an online friend and am sitting here so touched by your daughters poem - the love so evident. I'm sending my anonymous love to you all - a family I don't know. Your post proves all we have is today, I will hold my family tight tonight as who knows how long we'll all be walking together on this journey. thank you for your post and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Amanda said...

I am unspeakably sad to read this post. I have been checking in every few days, hoping for a miracle. What a loss. I was a late addition to Lou's large fan base, but it was instantly clear how much she adored her family. I hope that this blog gives Kayla some comfort as she grows up. She lost her mummy far, far too early but my goodness she is loved.

Thank you for updating. I was in tears reading and in writing this, so can only imagine the strength it took to write it.

Geohde said...

I am so so very saddened to read this.

I have been wondering.

You're all in my thoughts


Megan said...

what an incredible shock, you must be still in such disbelief, so little time between Lou's diagnosis to letting her go. Life is such a precious and miraculous gift, the energy that was harnessed to bring Kayla into this world is Lou's legacy and she lives on in her beloved daughter. I hope you navigate the rocky seas ahead with grace and courage, let the happiness, joy and endless smiles of a one year old girl be your guide in finding the way forward.

Anonymous said...

You've made me cry. Lou was so deservedly loved. And hilarious, and sweet, and a great writer, which meant she could share all of these fine qualities with us, and we could benefit from them.

I can't believe she's gone. Her death makes me sad and angry, because I feel as though the world has lost a wonderful person, and more tragically for Kayla, a wonderful Mother, in her prime.

To Kayla, you should know that your mother fought for, and loved you with, everything in her. And she still does.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Capital Mom said...

This post made me cry. The love Louise had for all of you and you for her is so obvious.

Lut C. said...

I'm at a loss for words. It's so terribly unfair all around.

I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts go out to all of you.

OHN said...

Dear Kayla~
Though there was an ocean between your mom and I, we had something very big in common.....the love of our children.

Please know the incredible joy you brought to your mother. One day, if you decide to become a mother, you will understand the depth of her love for you.

She left you in capable hands with your dad and sibs, please know that though it is so hard for them to have lost your mom, you will also bring them joy.

Grasp life with both hands and make people smile. Your mom did.

Elizabeth said...

I mostly knew Louise through the comments she left on other people's blogs, so clearly a great friend to many. What a lovely poem - so clearly a lovely person gone too soon. I am so sorry for your loss.

Yo-yo Mama said...

Kayla, I didn't know your mom. She didn't know me. But isn't that amazing? That strangers can find love and compassion in other strangers in these days where it seems like there's so little around us.

You had a guardian angel in your mom while she was on this earth. Now she has wings to be with you always.

Anonymous said...

I'm a long time lurker who often popped over to Lou's blog hoping for an update with good news.

Kayla, you don't have to see the notes to be able to hear the music. The music that is your mothers love will surround you for life. Just listen and you'll hear her.

Anonymous said...

so very very sad. I am so sorry

bir said...

I'm new to Lou's blog and I've only read your last post... what a beautiful, loving husband you are and how lucky Lou has been to have you through her journey...

Your post on Lou's last moments with you was so beautifully written. I just know that Lou was a tremendously amazing woman,and I will be back to read the rest of her blog.

Wishing you and the rest of Lou's family gentle days coming.... <3

Unknown said...

I read your post with a heavy heart. Thank you, I as so many others, held Louise very close to my heart (our life journeys have been very similar). Your wife, mother and step-mother was an amazing woman who very generously shared so much of herself with us readers and, in so doing, inspired us on our journeys. I don't understand why this awful thing had to happen, I do know her spirit lives in you, Kayla, and that, whilst you will find her loss dreadfully hard in life, you will have her strength and be magnificent! God Bless.

Unknown said...

I read your post with a heavy heart. Thank you, I as so many others, held Louise very close to my heart (our life journeys have been very similar). Your wife, mother and step-mother was an amazing woman who very generously shared so much of herself with us readers and, in so doing, inspired us on our journeys. I don't understand why this awful thing had to happen, I do know her spirit lives in you, Kayla, and that, whilst you will find her loss dreadfully hard in life, you will have her strength and be magnificent! God Bless.

Nico said...

I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. What an amazing poem your daughter wrote.

This reminds me of when my father passed away 15 years ago. I can't even believe it's been that long. I will always remember his last few days in the hospital, particularly that he wanted to make sure that we would all be taken care of, which included making sure that we knew which gas station had the cheapest gas!

I think that gathering memories from your family and friends of Lou for Kayla to read when she's older would be an amazing gift. Get people to tell you their favorite moments with Lou, poignant, funny, happy and sad. Kayla will treasure them.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Sarah said...

So sorry for you familys loss.

Brianna said...

I am so sorry for your loss. She was far too young to be taken away from you all. This is terribly unfair. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for your family.


Anonymous said...

I am so so so very sorry for your loss. Louise's blog posts were very special to me. I went through IVF too and her courage and strength gave me the hope that one day I could have a family of my own. Thinking of you, your family, friends and for Kayla. Thank you for sharing this time with us. said...

I am sorry.

I am sorry that Lou had to go away so early. And for the children she left behind who now have their mother only as memory.

I am sorry that you lost the love of your life.

Hope that you all will still try to figure out a life over and beyond this grief, and that Lou would have wished nothing short of happiness for all of you.

Paleo Mary said...

I'm just so very, very sorry.

Sue said...

I'm so heartbroken to read this news, but thank you for letting us know. I'm so sorry Lou was taken from you far too early - her love for all of you, and Kayla especially, was so clear in her blogging.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry,this is heartbreaking!! Lovely poem from your Daughter..Kayla will know one day how much her Mommy loved her, and wanted her.and how much she loved her step children also..I'm sorry that life is so unfair at time's,that this happend to your precious family..
My Prayers are with all of you, especially her Husband~I'm sorry that you lost your Wife and friend,and must carry on without her..take care..Sandy

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking to read and I am thinking of your family during this incredibly difficult time. That poem is unbelievably beautiful and sad. Again, my thoughts are with you all.

AussieJenn said...

How heartbreaking. I am so very very sorry that Lou has gone. My heart goes out to her loved ones.
What a beautiful tribute from Rose, I'm in tears from reading it and feeling your loss.

I've been a follower of Lou's blog and know how much she loved you all. She waited so long for little Kayla, so sad that they only had one year together.

May you all draw closer and take care of each other and never forget what a special person she was... a loving, strong and beautiful woman.

Her family remain in my thoughts.

Jennette in Australia

In Due Time said...

I've been praying for your family over the passed few weeks wondering how Lou was doing.

My heart breaks for your entire family.

I pray Kayla grows up knowing just how much she was wanted and loved.

Hang in there. Thank you for updating us. We'll never forget her.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. She was an amazing woman.

Bridgwest said...

No words are adequate! (Although your lovely daughter's come close).

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss you have all suffered.

Like so many others I have been checking back regularly hoping for good news but always aware that silence from a dedicated blogger is unlikely to bring anything good.

Sincere thanks for taking the time to update us - it must have been a hard thing to do.

Love and hugs to you all. I wish there was more (something!) we could do.



I am so, so, so sorry to hear of Lou's passing. I've checked her blog frequently for an update and I am so sad for all of you. How beautiful it was that she was able to see Kayla's first birthday. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

lucky13 said...

I've been checking recently to see if Louise had updated her blog...I'm at a loss for words. just know how special and loved she was and is in everyone's heart. my thoughts are with you all and this immeasurable loss you've endured.

Brenda said...

I am so sorry. I just came upon your blog from another friend of mine, and I wanted to offer my sincerest condolences on your family's loss. Lou sounds like a wonderful woman, wife and mother. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Adele said...

I'm here by way of Pundelina's blog. I am so very, very sorry for this terrible loss.

What a beautiful poem. What a beautiful baby Kayla is.

Anonymous said...

I am crying too. So sorry to hear this terrible news. Your mom was beautiful in every sense of the word, Kayla. Cherish her memory forever.
Please accept my deepest condolences.

Leah said...

I'm so very sorry. your wifes blog can now be a diary for your daughter to look back on one day. My prayers are with your family.

jill said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for having the courage to post here and let everyone know what happened.

Kayla is just adorable :) I'm so happy that you all had such a wonderful day for her and Lou was there to enjoy it.

Sending strength and lots of *hugs*.

Sam said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Lou seemed like a wonderful wife & mother. I hope you and your older children can keep her memory alive for Kayla.

Awaiting our miracle said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I only started reading Lou's blog one she became pregnant with Kayla, but her story has touched me immensely.

Thinking of you and your family in this difficult time.


Jules said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

grumpy said...

So sad, so sorry for your loss.

A stranger on the other side of Australia is thinking of you all and wiping her snotty nose because the poem just got her.

I don't know what else to say except that your mum sounded like a really cool lady with lots of people who loved her; lots of people who will be able to paint lots of pictures and stories and laughs for you.

Anonymous said...

With deepest sympathy for your families loss. Lou was a beautiful person and will be missed.

I am praying your family has the strength to carry on Lou's spirit and love.

Marie W said...

I have been wondering and praying. I am so sorry to hear this news........ Louise was a strong woman, wife, and mother. She will be greatly missed. All my love to you all.

Katie said...

There are truly no words.

My heart is with your family.

Anonymous said...

To Lou's family:
That is a brilliant poem, my sweet girl. I suppose the world seems like a unfair and cruel place right now. And in a way you're right to think that. Yet it is so much more than that. It is a world where the most profound connections can be made under the most difficult of circumstances. It is a world of bravery and courage, of hope and humility. You will always miss your mother, nothing can change that. But please look for her, for she is everywhere. In my faith, when someone dies they are like a drop of rain returning to the ocean, a gust of wind returning to brush your hair out of your face. Your mother made some profound connections, she mattered to people you don't even know and probably never will. She put her voice out there and she was heard, she was felt. She held a space sacred for kindred spirits to open up their hearts to her.
She mattered very much. Live your life in honour of this very special woman. Nam myo ho renge kyo.

Amanda said...

Kayla, you had an amazing mommy who touched the lives of many people around the world. She loved you and your family so very very much and would have given all the money in the world to spend one more day with you. Always remember that your mommy loved you with all her heart.

I am so sorry for your loss as Lou was an amazing women.

Searching said...

I am so, so sorry of the loss of such an amazing woman who loved her family with all her heart. You will be in my thoughts.

Amy said...

I have checked back for updates so many times over the last few months, and each time I saw none I hoped it was because you were all so busy enjoying health that Lou had forgotten all about her blog. My heart goes out to your family, may you all always feel the love left behind by an amazing woman who has touched complete strangers right to the soul.

Anonymous said...

I dont know what to say but please know that I am thinking of you and I am so so very sorry.
Thankyou for letting us know. I hope she is in a place of peace.

Melanie said...

Kayla, Lou's was one of the first blogs that I read on my own trying to have a child journey(his name is Adam) and Lou was one of the first people to comment on my blog. Your mother was an amazing woman, to touch so many people, from so many places. She will be missed by so many. And, you, young lady, were so very, very wanted. And so very, very loved. I wish you (and your family) peace and joy and healing.

Roccie said...

Dear Kayla,

Your momma loved you so very much. She still loves you this much, but she loves you from someplace else instead of by your side.

We miss your wonderful Momma.

It will be sad some days. Some days will be okay and you will think of her and smile.

She loves you when you are happy and sad. Your momma loves you all the time.

She thought of you every single day before you were even in her tummy.

Your momma thinks of you every day even though she is not here with us.

You and your Daddy are an awesome family. He loves you so much I bet sometimes he squeezes you a little too hard, doesn't he?

You are surrounded by love Kayla.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing with us what happened to Lou. Such a tragedy, and I am so sorry for your loss. Lou had such a struggle first with infetility, then with her illness, yet she shared it with us, with such insight and humour. It was a pleasure to read...

Regards LL

miss posy said...

Just heartbreaking. Your daughter's poem reduced me to a blubbering mess - I could almost feel the pain through the screen. I am so sorry for your family's loss x

Rebel With.A.Cause said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have spent the last few days Learning of Lou, and I cannot imagine how deep your sorrow must go. Please know that She has touched my heart in a way I hadn't known until just a few days ago. I wish you Peace and Love in the days that are to come. I know that Kayla will be a tribute to what an amazing Mother Lou was!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting, Lou's DH, as hard as the words were to type. Lou had been through so much to bring Kayla into the world and she will be with her every step of the future, in a way us earth-bound mothers can never be.

Anonymous said...

Kayla - Cherish your mom's writing. What a wonderful gift that is here for you to read when your older. So sorry for your loss and I promise to go home tonight and give my own one year old daughter extra hugs and kisses, just for you.
Wishing you a life time of happiness....

Lorraine said...

I can't imagine how hard this has been for you all, but I am so inspired by the love and strength present in these posts. My heart goes out to you, along with my deepest sympathies.

Polly Gamwich said...


I found your mom's blog through a shared journey of trying to conceive a child and having to go to extreme measures to do so (repeated infertility treatments and pregnancy losses).

Like your mom with the birth of you, I too found success in this journey.

I don't know your mom, but as a mom that went to so many lengths to have a child ... I KNOW that you were SO VERY WANTED. And even though I haven't experienced cancer I know that it torn your mother's heart into pieces to have to leave you. She would have done anything (and tried to) in order to stay here on earth with you longer. I can only imagine her heartbreak in having to say good bye to you.

Always know that your mother loved you so much.

Take care and big hugs,
Polly Gamwich

raw said...

Dearest Kayla-

Your name is so much like my own little girl's. I did not know your mother. But a very dear bloggy friend spoke so highly of her. I went through my own fertility trials, and though I was not blessed to carry my own child, I received my miracle baby through adoption.

I am so so sorry that your mother will not be present through all of life's ups and downs. But I know you carry her spirit in your heart. And I know you will be strong for your dad and he will be strong for you.

Someday, I hope you read all of the kind things everyone said here about your mum. And I hope you will understand the amount of love she had for you in her heart. Parenting after infertility makes you so grateful for the blessing of a child in your life. I believe you meant the world to her.

Blessings to you, and to your lovely family.

Anonymous said...

Checking in for the first time in a while and so, so heartbroken to hear of Lou's passing. I am in tears as I write this and struggling to find the words to express how absolutely beautiful and amazing your and Lou's love is for your children. Your daughter's poem is breathtaking - what a lovely young woman.

Beautful little Kayla. I am so sorry that your wonderful mommy won't get to be with you while you grow up. Know that she was an inspiration to so many of us around the world! Her love for you and your family reached across continents, touched so many lives and made the world a better place.

Thank you - all - for sharing your lives with us and for taking the time to share this last piece of Lou's journey here. Wishing you all the peace and hope that life can bring.

Karen from Boston, Mass.

Eden Riley said...

I really miss you Louise.

Love love love.

I wish I could do something, that means something, to take your families pain away. You would be SO overwhelmed and honoured, at all of the beautiful comments and love that people from all over the world have left here. See all of the ripples you left, in the big online pond? It's a credit to how beautiful you are. Thinking of you so so much.


Martina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and the loss for your children. As I was reading the poem written by your daughter, I coudn't stop crying. I have been reading Lou's blog for a while and have been very sad when she got sick. I have connected with her, as though she was someone I knew. I don't even know what to say, just know that far away in Arizona there is someone thinking of you and your children. May Lou rest in peace and God bless you all. Martina RN from Phoenix Arizona

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

I'm very, very sorry about your loss. I didn't get the oppertunity to read Louise's posts while she was still with us, but I would've loved to discover her sooner so I could have. Your daughter is beautiful, and I'm sure she can look back at this blog and see how much her mommy loves her.

I'll be sending prayers your way.

Karin said...

As you continue to go through this valley of grief and sorrow, may it comfort you to know that you and your family are precious in the sight of God. May HE give you the strength you need from day to day. Your little Kayla is adorable. May she grow up to be a wonderful woman who will make a difference in this world. God bless!

House of Ophelia, Kamtun said...

Just want to say that I feel, not only your deep sorrow but the sorrow of your children esp the 15 year old who wrote such a piognant poem about her much LOVED step mum. That eulogy stopped me in my tracks as I ponder on the LOVE that Louisa Must Have given to all 3 of them and then to miss raising her very own till she is an adult. Do not be sad be glad that 1. she is no longer suffering 2. she came into your Lives and brought so much LOVE to, not ONLY YOU but to your 3 children. She must have been one heck of a mum for your 15 year old to write such a piognant poem. Comfort them in your time of sorrow; seek the Lord for His Powerful HEALING TOUCH; HE brought you to this and HE WILL SURELY BRING ALL OF YOU THROUGH IT. SEEK HIS LOVE AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF ALL YOUR KIDS; THEY ARE SO PRECIOUS. God bless.

Shutterbug Mama said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I started crying as soon as I started reading this. She was a lucky woman to have such a loving family around her. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Ooooo Louise - I knew it but I couldn't bare/dare to check.

As another aussie - yr funny, dry blog was the first one I turned to everyday.

My mum died suddenly on August 3Oth - and I have been so deep in grief - I have ignored you.

I will miss you. You gave me such hope.

Andi from minimenow

Miss Nemo said...

Lou's sbattle has touched my life.

I'm sorry for your loss of such a beautiful woman.

Anonymous said...

I come here every so often because I miss you Louise.

You know I think you were one of my few stepmother friends who really helped me come to terms with my own journey.

You would be so proud of me -- how I've taken so much of your advice to heart... how your stories buoyed me.



I'm at a new blog now-- if your family is reading -- I still mean to gather all your comments on my old password protected blog. I can't bear to let the blog go...

Eden Riley said...

I miss you Lou.


Unknown said...

I've never read this blog before today but I'm so sorry for your loss. And sorry doesn't seem to cut it. Sorry is a word that cannot express the sensation that comes with such sorrow and sadness that comes with a loss such as yours.
Kayla, although your mom will not be with you as you grow up, I'm sure she'll be watching down upon you with a smile upon her face, proud of the little girl that she worked so hard to bring into the world. By reading only a portion of this blog I can tell Lou was brimming with love for you, positively overflowing with love for her entire family.

Megan said...

It's been more than a year since she passed, but her courage still takes my breath away.

SassyCupcakes said...

I miss you.

C+C said...

My heart goes out to y'all. Nothing I can write will heal the hole that's left in your hearts, but I hope it helps.

Anonymous said...

your soul may rest in peace and is guiding your daughter

Lucky13 said...

Hard to reconcile her absence still, hope Lou's family is healing together. xoxo

Eden Riley said...

I'm thinking of Lou heaps. I feel like I need to write a post about her and what she meant to me, I hope that is ok.

I bet Kayla is a beautiful young tearaway now, doing everything.

Wishing all of you peace for this christmas, I know it's a hard time to get through when somebody you cherish isn't in this world anymore.

XX eden

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, beautiful girl. Tonight I read your mother's blog and admired her strength, her determination to fulfil her dream, to have You. I have a little girl, the centre of my whole world. In my life atm I am struggling with my husband working long hrs, living away from family etc. ....your mothers blog has given me the insight to just appreciate the wonderful life I have. Through this blog she has given me a gift. She gave you the gift of life, I know in my heart that she would want you to be the best you can be and the love that she would be sending from heaven would be immense. Remember- you do the best you can, and when you know better you do better. Be kind to youself sweetheart. -k

SassyCupcakes said...

I was thinking about you today and how grown up your little girl must be. I'm thinking of your husband and the kids and hope everyone is growing up and living well. It's still so cruel that there's so much you're missing.

tireegal68 said...

I just found your blog somehow and read about the last year of your life. How cruel. How can this happen to someone who has fought so hard to have a baby? And has finally produced a beautiful daughter?
I think often about what would happen if I got sick and died and all I can think or care about is my kids. I don't worry about anything else but my kids. My wife to some extent, and how life would be a struggle but how hard it must be to have a mom who you don't remember and who loved you so so so much. And wanted so much good for you. Take heart that your mum was so strong and loved you so much. I am not taking my kids for granted, nor my time on earth. It's easy to do. But your mums experience reminds us all to seize each moment and savor it as much as possible.

Unknown said...

Hi. Read Lou's blog when I was going through IVF. Have stepchildren too. I still think of Lou and Kayla often. Hope you're all doing okay and life is being kinder.