THE BIG 4-0

I turned 40 yesterday!

Yep I am officially a middle-aged woman. If something newsworthy happened to me today I would no longer be reported as a young woman, nor a woman in her 30s, I would be a middle-aged woman! Or, as in the case of a woman who drove her car over an embankment last week and almost landed in the Yarra river, a heavily pregnant woman.

I had been planning a big party for this Saturday, a kind of last hurrah before bub arrives, but I've decided that I just don't have the stamina at the moment. By 10pm I'm exhausted, my skin is so itchy I can no longer stand to have any clothes on, and my legs are kicking up a storm. Hmmm, a cranky, naked, twitching middle-aged woman who can't drink or dance - not exactly a party animal!

Anyway, I had a great day yesterday. My friends took me out to lunch then DH and I had a beautiful romantic dinner for two.

We are down to 3 weeks between Ob visits now. Last week I had more blood tests and another Gestational Diabetes test (the non-fasting one) which I passed. Fundal height measured 31cm, so a week and a half to 2 weeks ahead, but the Ob said he's not yet ready to call it a big baby. Which is strange, because every man and his dog I meet in the street feels adequately qualified to tell me I'm either having a ten pound boy, or there is another, ultrasound-shy baby hiding in there too.

We attended 2 classes at the hospital last weekend - 'Labour & Childbirth' and 'Early Parenting'. Both of which we found pretty uninformative. The hospital is meant to be Melbourne's best private maternity facility, and each of the 15 couples paid $170 for the day, you'd think they could at least ensure their facilitators turn up on time and include a tour of the facilities. A decent cuppa would have been nice too while I'm complaining.

Shock

I had intended to write a post today about how fabulous I am feeling and how excited I am about being almost 30 weeks pregnant.

Unfortunately we've just found out that Batman's (eldest stepson's) best mate's sister died last night. She hung herself. She was just 16 years old.

All 3 kids knew her really well. They are all devastated. It's going to be a long, sad and confused weekend...

Livewire

The belly shot as promised. This was taken while we were away last weekend. I am 26 weeks.

My baby is not even born yet and already s/he has been labelled. After seeing lots of movement on the ultrasound the Ob wrote in the file that s/he is a "livewire". Please don't think that's something you have to live up to bubby!

S/he does move around quite a bit at the moment I must admit. I can tell that she can hear things in the outside world now as everytime I tell someone she's moving and they want to feel it, s/he stops immediately. Also, while the builders were attaching the roof to our extension the other day they dropped a large piece of tin and s/he jumped in fright. Bad mummy laughed.

I have been feeling ok this week, not quite so exhausted as last week. We had a relaxing weekend away last week and I have been trying to take better care of myself. I scared myself badly last week with a few episodes of feeling faint and nauseous and teary, and then feeling Braxton Hicks contractions at the same time I almost lost the plot completely. The Ob thinks the faintness was probably low blood pressure but it measured fine at his office.

I have put on 8kgs in weight to this point so it will be interesting to see how I go in the third trimester. I haven't been doing much in terms of formal excercise, but certainly feel as though I am being very active everyday. My latest favourite passtime is shopping - I may be inside a shopping centre but I'm still walking, and carrying lots of bags could be considered lifting weights. It all counts doesn't it?!

Labour and birth discussions have begun. Hospital classes are booked in for late May and I have a questionnaire from the Ob to help us start thinking about a birth plan. Scary, scary stuff. Most women talk about how much more they enjoyed .s.e.x. during pregnancy, but my lady bits have clammed shut of their own accord since that first ultrasound, making intimacy extremely uncomfortable to the point where I am wondering how on earth this baby is going to get out! Please tell me this has happened to other people.

Finding my way out of the abyss

Whoops, sorry about that! The abyss was actually just school holidays, but dark and seemingly endless all the same. Now I remember why we started going away over Easter. I have spend the best part of the last two weeks driving kids around the state, working ridiculous hours and catching up with family as we lurch headlong into 'birthday season' for both our families. Unfortunately, my birthday is among those coming up, but maybe if I keep quiet they will forget.....

Good news is that I don't have GD, but just for fun I get to do the test again at 28 weeks.

I need to stop working. Its still only early I know, and soooo many women have told me that they worked full time right up until their due dates (as if it's a competition!) but I just don't care. I am so easily exhausted at the moment and I have to take care of number one. The more I work, the more my replacement is dependent on me being there. I find myself in tears on the freeway feeling just so tired and heavy that I can hardly move. DH keeps having to scold me "we have worked too hard to get here for you to start taking risks now". I hang my head in shame, then the next week start up again in a panic of all the things I want to get done before I leave.

I have worked in this business almost since the day DH bought it. Since it was just he and I, to the 9 employees we have now. I am a control freak at the best of times and I admit I'm having trouble letting go. No-one is irreplaceable, the company will go on perfectly well without me - intellectually I know this. DH and I are strange (in many, many ways! lol) because we love working together. Spending 24 hours a day together is normal for us. I think that's the thing I will miss the most.

PS: I think another belly shot is due... tune in next week to laugh and point at the fat woman in her ludicrously large underwear.

Almost 6 months!

I had my Gestati.onal Dia.betes test this morning. I had one of these a few years ago as part of my PCOS diagnosis and my result was borderline. At that time I was in the middle of a low GI diet, this time I am in the middle of a chocolate binge. I am not confident.

The lastest wave of hormones seem to have hit. The past few days I've been feeling more tired than usual, breasts are throbbing, and I often find myself on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason.

I have been experiencing some cramping feelings lately really low in my abdomen, could be bub using my cervix as a personal trampoline, could just be cramps. I wish I knew. Earlier in the piece I was bursting to buy every pregnancy book, but kept putting it off until after the next test. Now, I rearely even look at the one book I have. Very unlike me. I'm enjoying just soaking in the experience as I'm feeling it. It's also possible I have a few avoidance issues about the birth, but hey, plenty of time for that!

Planning

I caught up with a friend of a friend on the weekend who is pg with twins from IVF. She is a few years older than me and 27 weeks pg. It was hilarious to compare swollen feet and bloody nose stories with someone IRL. Everyone at the function said that my belly looked as big as hers but I'm sure it was just my dress.

She asked what brand cot and pram we have bought. I laughed. This poor baby has one toy, a kind of cute-because-it's-so-ugly hand knitted clown (bought with love by DH's parents), and a high chair my mother bought (with love I'm sure) from a garage sale for $20 which DH wants to throw out. We have bought nothing. We hadn't even thought about nursery furniture - mainly because the nursery is not built yet!* Anyhoo.... she tells me that most cots and nursery furniture have a 12 week delivery wait.

Needless to say I have spent the past few days scouring the internets for baby stuff. I can't believe I have been putting this off! Apart from wondering how I can guarantee a lottery win to pay for it all - this is exciting! This is what normal people expecting babies do! They go and buy stuff for them. You know, like actually make plans as if they are going to bring home a real live baby from the hospital that they have to feed, clothe, put to bed and transport about. I should probably do more of this! It seems quite healthy - not to mention fun!

I must say though, that it's a might bit confusing too. I have fallen in love with a cradle but I have no idea if I need a cradle!? If the house is not finished I will definately need one for a few weeks or months, but is it just a waste of money to buy a band new one? Should I try to borrow one or buy second-hand? As for prams, my god, how many prams/strollers are on the market? And how ridiculously expensive are they?

And speaking of ridiculously expensive... my ridiculously expensive 4 year old car is in need of ridiculously expensive repairs. It needs a whole new transmission at the hefty price of $8,500! Isn't it amazing that major expenses (and major projects) always seem to collude together to arrive right at the same time?! {{sigh}}

The Austral.ian government are currently giving women $5,000 when they have babies, do you think they'd let me have mine in advance?



* We had a house fire over 18 months ago which gutted a self-contained apartment, one of our bedrooms, and damaged our lounge room and hallway. Our 3rd (yes third) builder started in January and tells me "yeah it should be done by July, love". We cleverly thought we'd re-do our kitchen at the same time - a decision I am currently trying to talk DH out of....

News from the step-world

Being pregnant and hormonal and somewhat self-absorbed, I haven't spoken about the stepkids for ages. Being teenagers and hormonal and somewhat self-absorbed, their reactions to the baby news has been all about how they feel this will directly affect them. Tiger seems most excited and talks about it constantly when he's with us. He hopes it's a boy so her can teach him to play golf, if its a girl he doubts he'll have much to do with it. Batman seems a bit more ambivalent, but I think that is probably to be expected since he will be 19 when bub is born. His mother says he is upset and worried about it but he has recently started spending one night a week at our house because, in his words, he wants to spend more time with us.

Rosie is the one who concerns me the most. She started at a new school this year and found the initial adjustment very difficult. She was very anxious the first few weeks and not eating or sleeping well. The new school is a religious one, so during a pastoral class the students were asked how they were feeling about the new school year, at which point Rosie burst into tears. The school acted very quickly and she has been having regular sessions with the school counsellor ever since. After that first session she said to DH "I told them EVERYTHING Dad".

The counsellor rang DH a few weeks ago and told him about her discussions with Rosie. Apparently Rosie has spoken of her concern that the baby will take our attentions away from her, that she loves DH and I and would prefer to live with us but fears her mother's reaction. We knew all of this but the level of concern the counsellor had for Rose's safety at her mother's house was a bit of a shock. Rose talked alot about the level of violence in the house and her fear of her mother's boyfriend has them worried. DH asked the counsellor if they were concerned about sexual abuse, because that seemed to be what she was tip-toeing around, and she said that was a concern that the school was taking very seriously.

Obviously I am thankful that the school is aware there are issues at home, so they can keep a close eye on her, and she has an objective adult to talk to about any problems. But I am concerned though that they think there may be a sexual nature to her fear of Loser Boyfriend.

As a child victim myself and former child protection worker, I maintain that the child must always be believed so it would be totally different if Rosie accused Loser Boyfriend of anything sexual, which she has not. But still it goes against my grain to say what I am about to say.... Rosie is a drama queen, and, just like her mother, she likes people to think she has a hard life and to feel sorry for her. It has becoming increasingly difficult for us to sort the truth from the chaff in most conversations with her. She lies to us a lot and some of her bullshit is just so fanciful we have to laugh. I know her mother has the same issues. I defy anyone with a teenage girl to say her daughter doesn't lie to her. It's just the nature of the beast.

I think she is being honest that she is scared of Loser Boyfriend when he is drunk, but I think that perhaps she has exaggerated how bad things are at home. If it was that bad and she was that frightened, surely she would come live with us? DH and I have done everything in our power to make this a possibility for her.

I'm not so old that I don't remember life as a teenage girl. The raging hormones, the changing body, the belief that other girls are always looking at you and judging you. That insane need to be accepted, to conform, to be considered normal when in your mind you think you are anything but. Desperately wanting to be attractive to boys, to be loved, but terrified of what that means. I was shocked when I dropped Rosie at school last week that 4 out of 5 girls had the exact same haircut - dead straight, far side part, covering at least one eye. Rosie has gorgeous, naturally curly hair - no wonder it takes her over an hour to get ready - she has to hide each one of those pesky non-conformist curls! I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for anything in the world.

As much as I try to empathise with her, I must admit she is starting to piss me off. Everything about the baby is negative at the moment for Rosie (although it's always possible I am being overly sensitive?). We have conversations like;
R: "Mum says that the baby will affect me the most because I won't be the youngest anymore"
ME: "Excuse me if this sounds selfish at all, but I think that it might actually affect ME the most"
R: (laughing) "Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that"

R: "I don't want my bedroom to be near the baby's, I don't want to hear it crying"
R: "Little kids really annoy me"
R: "Doesn't your stomach hurt? It looks REALLLY painful"

R: "Have you always wanted to have a child?"
ME: "Yes, but I have a problem with my ovaries and thought that I couldn't have children"
R: "So this baby is like, a miracle"
ME "YES! So treat it with the respect it deserves and stop being such a selfish little twat!"
(ok, so maybe I didn't actually say that last bit... but by god I wanted to!)

DH wants for things to remain the same as much as possible for the kids, and I understand where he's coming from... but, you know, a new baby is a huge change, I don't see how (or why) we can protect them from that. Isn't there a saying "The only constant in life is change"? I think the kids are just going to have to adapt. I can see a future where baby and I are the ones making all the concessions, tip-toeing around the older kids so we don't disturb them, even though we are the ones who actually live here. Frankly, it scares me and it's keeping me awake at night.