Wednesday, 4 August 2010

To Kayla; now that you're One

This is not going to be the usual wordsmithed blog that you have become accustom to from this site, the reason for this is that it’s Lou’s DH writing this. It took me a while to decide to do this and even longer to work out the passwords, unfortunately the news is very bad, We lost Lou in August this year. You were all a great support for Lou and a large and enjoyable part of her (our) life. I thought it only fair to let you know what happened, Lou was taken off the drug trial due to the rapid growth of existing tumors as well as the detection of others, we then went on to chemotherapy which had no effect and told she had 3 months to live, about 9 days later she passed.

We ended up having a great birthday party for Kayla early in August complete with jumping castles and all the bells and whistles, we fluked it for great weather and Lou was having a good day and was up and about , we really couldn’t have asked for it to be better, It was made all the more unreal that the people that were having a great time with us on Sunday, 13 days later, were at her funeral.

Lou rang me on the Wednesday while I was at work saying that the regular blood results had got back and that she was having trouble getting on top of the pain, this wasn’t anything we hadn’t experienced before except that the doctor had requested that she get an ambulance to the local hospital to treat the pain more effectively, I got home to find Lou a bit concerned but in good spirits, with Lou’s parents looking after Kayla, I followed the ambulance to the hospital, on arrival at the hospital we discussed with the doctors that she had radiation treatment booked for Friday in Melbourne and at that time the hospital staff booked transport to take her to Melbourne via ambulance for Friday morning, again Lou was great once the pain had been treated, we both thought that this was precautionary measure after advise from the resident doctor and remembering that only a few days ago the Melbourne professor had given us 3 months. It was not until late Thursday when doctors advised us that we should cancel our radiation appointment as Lou had deteriorated over night that the alarm bells started going, again at no time were we given any indication from staff just how serious her condition had become, at this point I contacted family and friends to let them know that it wasn’t going to be a two night stay as originally thought. Lou said as a fleeting comment “I hope I am going home” I remember saying don’t even think that. But then the cruncher was on Friday while I was in the middle of swapping with Lou’s parents looking after Kayla so Lou’s parents could be with her for a few hours in the afternoon and Lou was by herself for not longer than half an hour the doctor came in and told her that she wouldn’t be going home. Lou was fairly heavily medicated and very distressed and rang me. The next hour was a bit of a blur as I raced to Lou’s side and tried to make sense of the situation with grief, anger and sympathy exploding inside me, my only concern was Lou. Family and friends called in over the next 24 hours and Lou would wave in and out of conciseness but was coherent enough to chat to everyone, her two best friends stayed the night on Friday, It was Saturday night after many visitors with Lou’s waking times becoming further apart, it was just Lou and I by ourselves just holding hands, we did this a lot, it might sound corny but we used to lie in bed and hold hands and talk for hours laugh and cry, this night it was just me doing the talking and crying as I watched her breaths become shallower and further apart until nothing.

I can tell you how hard its been for me juggling my 2 older kids at home my work with 15 staff and my little 13 month old girl but it just doesn’t compare to how hard it would have been for my beautiful wife to leave her perfect daughter behind.

I love telling everyone about Lou’s Blog and the amount of comments she gets, Please leave a comment I would love to print them out and show our daughter one day. Thanks again

Below is a poem that was written by my 15 year old daughter that was read out at the service

I was sitting in my room, looking at your picture.
Wondering why you couldn't make it to my future.
Uncontrollable tears stream down my face,
While my heart beat starts to race.
Asking God why he took you from my life,
It was more painful than stabbing me in the heart with a knife.
I still needed you here
you were the one to make everything so clear.
You are a part of me and I am apart of you
when you died a part of me died too.
I never knew how hard it was to lose someone you love
until the day you went to heaven above.
Even though I can't see,
I know you’re up there watching over me.

You were the best friend I ever had

And you were there for me through the good times and the bad.

I love and miss you more than you knew

You taught me so much, I want to thank you.

I miss hearing your voice and seeing your smile

Just being with you and hanging out a while.

A thousand times we needed you.

A thousand times we cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

A heart of gold stopped beating,

Two twinkling eyes closed to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove he only took the best.

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me,

Or that you were the best mum, better than any could be.

I love you Lou. I Always Will.