Saturday, 29 March 2008

Circular discussions

Years ago I worked in a company run by a husband and wife, both aged in their mid-forties. Her first marriage and his second, he had 2 adult daughters and apparently didn't want any more. Sue-Ann was a gorgeous, tall, athletic looking 'career woman' who we naively assumed didn't want children either. Every year the whole company (about 20 people) went away for a weekend retreat/conference thingy, and this particular year a new employee, Diane, was invited even though she wasn't starting with us for another couple of weeks. At dinner the first night Sue-Ann asked Diane if she was married. Diane replied she had been married for 13 years and had "3 beautiful daughters who light up my life every day". Sue-Ann burst into tears and ran from the table. I remember looking in shock to her husband who just sighed and rolled his eyes, as if this was some annoying party trick that Sue-Ann performed all too often.

I don't want to be like Sue-Ann. I don't want to make a decision that I will later regret. I don't want to be forever worried that the emotions related to my rued decision may boil over at the mere mention of children and spoil dinner for all those present. I don't want my husband roll his eyes and make embarrassed excuses for me. I don't want people around me to feel guilty that they have children when I could not.

I hope against hope that if I never have a biological child it has come down to my choice. Although even as I write it I know this to be a very naive statement. If I don't have a child it will be because all treatment has failed and I have called a stop to the madness of what has gone beyond reason and become an obsession. I don't think that can logically be called choice. I just want to be able to live comfortably with whatever happens.

DH and I have made a tentative decision to continue treatment for the time being, ignoring the '12 cycle' limit if it comes to that. At this point I would like to say that I hope that this next cycle will work and the hardest choices we will have to make in the near future will be disposable or cloth nappies, government or private schooling. I would like to say that, but I think I am all out of hope at the moment. In that case, I hear you ask, why postpone the inevitable? Why not stop now? Because I'm not ready yet, and I don't want to be like Sue-Ann. And here we are again - full circle.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Quick update

Back from holiday and back chained to the desk... bullet points will have to suffice for the moment.

> holiday was lovely, weather was great

> our business is out of control. Note to self - pay more attention to work!

> I had been entertaining the thought of a child free life, then cried through the movie Knocked Up

> my brother and sil are pregnant again

> we are going for cycle 11 in April

Back soon.

Thursday, 13 March 2008

Well earned break

The Evil Stepmonster has left the children behind and run away with her beloved DH to relax, regroup and rediscover.

Back after Easter.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

When is enough, enough?

I am so scared about writing this post. I need to do it, as a way of organising my thoughts, but I'm scared about putting these thoughts into words. Scared that once they are written down I will have to adhere to them. I know I'm close, but still not entirely sure if I can live with the decision.

Here are the stats:
3 failed GIFT procedures
4 failed IVF procedures
2 failed FETs
1 pregnancy
1 early miscarriage
= 10 attempts

We started this journey in 2003, although I knew long before then that the battle was looming. All this time I have had a couple of self-imposed limitations set in my head. Funnily enough they are coming together at the same time and the sirens in my head are starting to go off.

1. 12 cycles is enough. If I wasn't pregnant by then, I should accept that it wasn't going to happen. That perhaps there was some dreadful underlying reason I should not have children that my body knew but my brain didn't. I thought that after 12 attempts I could walk away knowing that I really tried, that I gave it my best shot.

2. 40 is old enough. I will be 40 next year. Some of my friends from Uni have kids turning 21 next year! They may be grandmothers soon! I feel so old!

3. All mine or nothing. I know that for so many people there is no difference in their hearts whether a child is biological or not, but for me it is important. I already have three children in my life that are not biologically mine. I love them and lie awake at night worrying about them as if they were my own, but their link with me seems tenuous at best.

All of these things are coming to a head at once. If I stick to these ideals, I have only 2 cycles and 12 months in which to fall pregnant. Even if I go beyond my own limitations, I will soon be up against the clinics limitations, which doesn't encourage women over 40 to use their own eggs. Which just brings me full circle back to point 3, which is probably the one I am least likely to waver on.

DH says he's flexible and would continue if I wanted to, but I know that he is already concerned about having the energy to cope with a 5 year old when he's 50. How would he feel if I raised the bar to 55?

I suggested to an ivf friend that maybe I should just stop now, but she was horrified. She says you can enter a cycle saying this is the last one, but you can't retrospectively say that was it. For emotional moving on purposes apparently.

And there's the kicker right there. Emotionally moving on. Thats the bit that worries me the most. At the moment I could probably jump off this roller coaster and never look back, elated to be rid of the drugs and pain and uncertainty. But in a year... 2 years… 5 years…. How will I feel?

The issues surrounding when to stop trying to conceive are huge and complex, and have been tackled by bloggers much more eloquent than I. But this is something I am going to have to battle through on my own over the next year.

Friday, 7 March 2008

Big Fat Nothing

Well at least the result is definitive.

Please excuse my little panic attack yesterday, it was obviously just that the anniversary was near. As usual I started off with overly low expectations and ended up with overly hopeful expectations. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.

Have a lovely weekend everyone. I'm off to babysit my gorgeous god-daughter for the evening.

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Blood test tomorrow

I am feeling lots of things today.
I poas yesterday morning - 8dp5dt - negative.
The heavy crampy feelings have gone.
Today I feel crap. Headache, body aches, nausea, just crap.
Progesterone perhaps?
Can't wait for the blood test results tomorrow.
This is doing my head in.
Please don't let it be another low positive.
I spent our last Easter holiday having a miscarriage.
I'd prefer not to do it again this year.

Don't bother sending 'baby dust'.
Just pray for either a big fat positive beta or a big fat negative.
Nothing in-between please.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

How quickly things change...

Oh. Wait. I feel something.
I know that feeling.
What is that rumbling feeling in the pit of my belly?

Oh. Of course. Its Aunt Flo on her way in her effing great freight train come to take my baby dreams away.

Give me a break!


I have no symptoms whatsoever. Nothing. Nada. Naught. Zip.

Even with the increased progesterone and the continuing hrt medication. Weird.

I don't like to poas. Their power scares me. But I may try to talk myself into it tomorrow or Thursday. More likely Thursday.