Saturday, 28 June 2008


You know, strange as this may sound, sometimes infertility has its advantages. Infertile people don't have worry about contraception. Take the birth control pill.... because I sure as hell can't!!!

My new protocol involves taking the pill for a month. I am 7 days in and I am a bitch, a horrible, nasty, angry witch who'd bite heads off chickens! I have to keep my mouth shut tight in case the nasty thoughts in my head actually make their way out. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and bawl. I have a thumping headache and the startings of a cold which don't help either, but I know its mostly due to the pill.

I remember when I moved in with my first husband I started taking the pill, and I think I lasted a similar amount of time before he threw them out and told me not to take them ever again. The change in my mood was so dramatic. I took it again for a few months when I first started seeing my DH, but I don't remember any adverse reactions then.

I hope this is temporary, or this cycle will have to be cancelled. HELP! Any ideas? Vitamin B maybe? St Johns Wort? Crystal m.eth? :0(

Friday, 27 June 2008

Depleted Optimism

I've decided that I need to increase my level of optimism. I am entering into a new IVF cycle, with a new FS and a new protocol, even a new hospital, and I should be hopeful and excited about it. Who knows, this may well be my last shot at motherhood (but please don't quote me on that, I'm almost out of steely resolve too).

My Darling Husband is an eternal optimist with everything in his life. In his business he constantly bites off more than he can chew and then just chews like mad, never doubting that it can be done. I am the naysayer of the relationship. I'll even admit to being a little resistant to change. DH comes up with grand schemes, for a holiday, for rebuilding our house, for the business. Like a puppy, he comes bounding up and starts playfully nudging my hand "let's do this, why don't we do that?". Then he hits a brick wall. Me. Within seconds I can come up with 10 reasons why we can't. The usual one is "we can't afford it" and, oh, how he hates that one.

With IVF, he is certain that each cycle will be successful, which is probably why he finds the whole thing so hard. Each month he asks when I'm ovulating. I have PCOS, I do not ovulate normally. Do you not understand why we're doing IVF? But each month he is optimistic, despite the diagnosis, despite 15 years failing to conceive, despite 12 unsuccessful cycles of ART treatment, that we will miraculously fall pregnant 'naturally'.

Oh how I envy him that optimism - its almost like a religion. He kneels at the alter of Optimism and will not waver in his beliefs. How good would that be! But how do you 'catch' that sort of religious fervour? DH thinks his optimism stems from playing sport. The mentality that even if your team is down by a huge margin, you can't give in to negative thoughts, you have to keep playing as if winning is still possible. He cites a beautiful example, forever embedded in Australian sporting folklore. An Australian was competing in the speed skating final at the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, five competitors were skating around and around in a circle with our Aussie coming way last. On the final corner the leader slipped and fell taking out the three competitors directly behind him and our man was able to glide right on past to win Australia's first ever Winter Olympic gold medal. He later said that was exactly the outcome he was hoping for. So very Australian.

At this point I should explain that this train of thought began at 3.30am, but don't worry I'm almost done! I am wondering if it's possible to change from being a pessimist to become an optimist? I really want to be positive about this cycle, after all there are many things to be excited about, so I will attempt to change my spots. Negative thoughts and pessimism consider yourselves banished.

Monday, 23 June 2008

I think an apology is in order

Thank you kind friends for checking in on me. I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I am very very sorry for being so slack. A couple of things have been going on but nothing to excuse such an extended absence.

I have a new job! I have never really done this sort of work before so have been doing some training and struggling just to get my head around it. To be honest I'm a bit scared that I will completely stuff it up, but diving in head first anyway.

The D&C has also thrown me a bit as well. It sounds ridiculous because its not the same at all, but since the low positive and the D&C I feel I have been grieving another miscarriage. Not the raw grief and tears like last time, but this time anger, confusion and isolating myself (which I have always been good at). I considered giving up altogether, I considered donor eggs, I even considered moving to a third world country and setting up an orphanage. After all this considering, my only decision was to delay any decisions until after hearing the results from Doctor No.

Which we did last week. The barrage of tests have all come back offering no discernible reason for my 'recurrent implantation failure'. His only advise was to keep going with treatment, but this time try a 'standard' IVF with the contraceptive pill and long down regulation protocol. DH and I barely had time to discuss what we wanted to do when AF unexpectedly arrived and forced my hand - we either start now and transfer at the end of July, or wait to start in July and transfer late August. I decided on the former, so apparently Cycle Number 12 has begun.

I have joined a gym in the hope of shedding at least 5kg by the end of July, and trying to get my diet under control. I need to cut back on my sugar intake, it does my PCOS absolutely no favours but I do love and crave it so. I am an average cook but a lazy one and not a big fan of my winter vegies, but I put it in writing here that I will make more of an effort. I even made pumpkin soup on the weekend! My Chiropractor says I need to include 15+ fruit/veg in my diet daily but I just can't see that happening.

First AF since the D&C has been a true bitch. I haven't had one this heavy and painful for years. So bad that it has been waking me during the night. I think this is what's been causing my weird dreams. The last few nights I dreamed that I was pregnant (one night I was carrying 4 babies, one for me and 3 for one of you!), last night I went to bed hoping to have the same dreams again but instead some guy shot me about 6 times in the back as I was running away and left me to bleed to death. I prefer the pregnant dreams please.

I've been doing some quick lurking so I'm aware of what most of you are up to, but it may take me a couple of days to catch up on my commenting. Slacker. Sorry.