Saturday, 24 May 2008

Empty Uterus

The hyster.oscopy wasn't as bad as I expected. I am recovering quite well with a heat pack and ibopro.fen. No fibroids or polyps were found which is good, but still leaves us in the dark about what the hell is wrong. I have to wait until next week to have my blood taken and then meet again with Dr No in a couple of weeks to discuss the endometrial biopsy results. I hope there is a treatable answer in their somewhere.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Trading blows with Doctor No

My Doctor is away for a couple of months and planning on retiring soon, so last night I met the Doctor who is taking over the practice. Camp as a row of tents but very blunt and to the point. The first thing he said was a comment on how big my file is. When I asked why we seem to be having trouble with implantation his first answer was "the biggest factor would be maternal age". Ouch. Nice right hook you have there mister.

I asked if we needed to look at my estrogen levels (no, they're fine), immune testing (no, don't trust the science) and PGD testing (no, waste of money). I forgot to ask about assisted hatching, but my guess is that he wouldn't like that either. Poor DH and the medical student just whistled and studied the ceiling while I threw all my DrGoogle questions at the Doctor and he hurled his blunt answers back at my head. They must hate patients who do their own research.

So our new plan of attack starts with more bloodwork and a investigative hystero.scopy and D&C. Tomorrow!

I'm scared. I hate the gas they fill you with during these things and all the feedback I've heard about this new Doctor is that he is very thorough and so his procedures are extra painful. I'm pretty sure, after all the procedures I've had in the last few years, if there was anything to find it would have been found already. But at this point I'm just happy that he's willing to cover all the bases with me, and if we rule everything else out and just leave "maternal age" then maybe I'll be more willing to accept that its time to stop.

Monday, 19 May 2008

Weekend Fallout

It's official. I have become my worst nightmare!

I went to a friend's place on Friday night, for a cocktail party where a dull woman undersold the many merits of very expensive plasticware. There was about a dozen women all known to my friend through their children's school, then myself and another friend. I should have known. I shouldn't have gone in the first place. The conversation was all babies and children. I was coping, barely, until a woman near me started to talk about how her 6 month old was born despite her husband having had a vasectomy. The other women huddled around, including my two friends, making comments like "oh you poor thing", "you should sue" and "if I fell pregnant again I would just die". And then it happened... I started crying and had to leave the room. I hid in a bedroom, and the tears just wouldn't stop.

K1 and K2 are my closest friends and we have known each other for 15+ years. They are the only friends who know that DH and I are doing IVF. Both of them are Social Workers, but their reactions couldn't have been more different. K2 came looking for me and apologised for her insensitivity, she said she hadn't put herself in my shoes before and it only just occurred to her that moments like that might be hard for me. She sat and talked with me while I cried. K1, the host of the party, was immensely pissed off and kept coming into the room looking for things then going out again leaving the door wide open. I don't know if she was jealous that K2 and I were doing something without her or if she was just uncomfortable with the open display of emotions. I didn't bother to ask. The next morning we went out for breakfast and K1 announced that we should go to Phu.ket for a week early next year, in celebration of us all turning 40, and because "its the first time in 10 years that none of us are pregnant or breastfeeding".

Does everyone else have trouble maintaining friendships IRL? Should I try to explain things, ask for more support and sensitivity from them, or just let it go? Its so hard. I wouldn't cope at all if it wasn't for my soul mate, my darling husband. And you guys are just brilliant, you always comment with love and are a great support to me, even when you are having a tough time yourselves. Yet my RL friends won't even ring me in the next few weeks to check if I'm ok. Perhaps I am too high maintenance for them now?

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

How quickly we fall

11dp5dt - beta 27 , progesterone 300
16dp5dt - beta 0 , progesterone 6

Fuck. Fuckitty. Fuck. Fuck.

Monday, 12 May 2008


Purgatory (pronunciation: per ga tawr-ee)
  • any condition or place of temporary punishment, suffering, expiation, or the like.

What to feel? What to think? What is happening? I wish I knew.

To be honest, I am finding it hard to think of anything else. I am feeling sensitive breasts with sometimes sore and tingly nipples, off and on cramps, stitches in my side, sore lower back, not quite nauseous but light-headed and weirdly cranky if I don't eat regularly. I. Feel. Pregnant. And then it all stops and I feel 'normal' again. And then the symptoms start up again....

I POAS on Friday and saw a faint line. I POAS this morning (different brand) and saw nothing.

Surely a tiny amount of hCG cannot wreak this much havoc? It must be in cahoots with the progesterone gel just to mind-f*ck me. Could my symptoms purely be from the progesterone? Has anyone has this before? How did it end? Honestly.

I got my dates all messed up - AF is due Tuesday the 13th and 2nd Beta is Wednesday 14th. When all/more will be revealed. Being a realist, I am expecting the beta to back to 0, praying it's not ectopic, but secretly hoping for a story like this. Can I please? Huh? Can I? Huh Huh? Please Can I?

PS: Whilst trying to keep myself occupied over the 2ww, I have been neglecting my blogging duties. I have been trying to keep up with you all but have failed miserably in the commenting department. I will do better this week.

Friday, 9 May 2008

Cycle #11 Results

It's a BIG. FAT. WTF!!!!

My beta is low, too low to be considered a BFP, but not low enough to be entirely written off either. My Progesterone levels are very good.

"INCONCLUSIVE" is my clinic's new scientific term of the day.

I am disappointed, despondent but not defeated. The lovely Morrisa and I had our transfers on the same day, and her BT is not until Monday. She thinks her test is too late, and I think mine was too early. My AF is not even due until next Wednesday. I test again on the 13th, which my nurse calculated as 5 weeks but will in fact be exactly 4 weeks.

I am hoping for a miracle but not expecting one.

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Almost crunch time

Blood test is tomorrow! My head (and body) has been all over the place the last few days. I really have no idea what to expect. I hate going into these things blind. What the fuck will I do if its negative? We had 2 text-book blasties this time, if they won't stick is there really anything else to try? Any logical reason to put myself through this again?

The only thing I am looking forward to about tomorrow is regaining some sanity. So, for that reason alone, bring it on.

Monday, 5 May 2008

Negativity has set in

It seems to have arrived early this time. Today is 7dp5dt and I wish I knew what the hell is going on in there.

DH is stressed and grumpy with work and I am stressed and grumpy with the 2ww. What a fine pair we make.

Friday, 2 May 2008

No Frosties and Avoidance Issues

Having finally given up on the clinic ringing me, I rang them to find out that none of the remaining embryos were suitable for freezing. This doesn't bother me too much as I have very little faith in FET cycles, and the HRT medication I was on last time was awful. Yet another thing about menopause to not look forward to.

Speaking of, I am reading the book 'The other Bo.leyn Sister', and feel for poor Queen Catherine who cannot produce Henry _VIII a living heir. Last night I read as the Court reveled in the news that Catherine's "courses" had apparently stopped and she was officially "too old" to conceive, and so the King's open affair with Mary Boleyn was accepted as his right. Its a tragedy that some cultures still consider infertility with such blunt insensitivity. The International Consumer Support for Infertility group (iCSi) report that in countries such as Zimbabwe, Uganda and Kenya infertile women are often forced to take subordinate roles in their homes while their husbands take new brides, or are forced out of their communities altogether.

Sorry, I will pack my soapbox away for now... I have been researching World Infertility Month for another project.

Providing they are still kicking along, little SD and TA should have hatched and be thinking about implanting soon, if they haven't already. Depending on your source, implantation should happen between 6-7 and 10-14 days old. They are at 9 days old today. I wish I knew what was going on! DH gave my the last Preg.nyl injection last night so I hope this helps. The use of hCG during luteal phase has been shown to increase ART pregnancy rates but also increases the risk of OHSS. It's most certainly the reason my breasts are heavy and sore, but I have no signs of OHSS which is great. Although certain movements can still cause pain which feels like an ovary is twisted or caught on something (very painful and very weird - does anyone else get this?) so there is obviously still swelling but not too much fluid.

Its funny, because of the additional hCG I can't trust by body this 2ww or even pee sticks, but this post has been a very scientific look at my physical state 4dp5dt! I'm obviously avoiding the emotional, which is my usual blogging fodder at this stage. If so, this avoidance will continue over the weekend as we have the kids with us, and an absolute pile of paperwork to do.