Its ironic that I was so defiant when Kayla was born against the breastfeeding bullies, protesting that it would make no difference in the long term if she was bottle fed or breast fed. I felt that it was my choice and i would not be bullied into thinking there was only one way to go.
Now I am desperate at the thought of stopping breastfeeding. My milk came in late and my supply has never been great. The milk let down can be incredibly slow and has pretty much always frustrated bub but we have soldiered on and I've come to love the intimacy of feeding. The way she looks at me as she feeds and holds my fingers or strokes my skin.
The past few weeks here have been unseasonably hot here and she has been wanting to feed far more often, so when my supply couldn't keep up I gave her extra bottle feeds. This week she is refusing the breast during the day, but at this stage will still accept night feeds. It started with just the left one - a notoriously slow let downer- but this afternoon she refused the right as well. She turns her head and screams and cries real tears. This afternoon I joined her - and not for the first time.
I am finding it so hard to look at this logically. I can tell myself that she is just being lazy, she wants the instant flow of milk she get from the bottle. We live in an instant gratification driven society afterall - why should babies be immune? She is not rejecting me, she is rejecting the dodgy milk supply offered by my aging breasts. But I am taking it personally. I can't help but feel she is refusing me, rejecting the intimacy I am offering. And that hurts.
I should ring a lactation consultant and see if we can turn this around, but I can't talk about it without crying and that makes me feel like an idiot. It should not matter how my baby is fed as long as she is being fed and putting on weight. It surprises me that I feel so strongly about this.
Other than this issue, everything else is going pretty well. The pediatrician says her heart murmur is just a little flow murmur which may resolve itself with time. She wants to check it again in 6 months.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Cold War
Does this hat make my cheeks look big?!We are slowly recovering from our first shared illness. Not sure who started it, but we've both had a crappy cold for about 2 weeks now. A sniffling, sneezing, coughing, head cold. Not too bad but not fun either.
I took Kayla to the Doctor just to make sure her chest was clear, which it was, but the Doc thought she could hear a heart murmur. Hopefully she is wrong, or it is just a temporary effect of the cold. I'm trying to be calm, I'm sure its nothing, but 3 weeks sure seems like a long wait for our appointment with the Pediatrician.
Monday, 5 October 2009
8 weeks
Wow I missed an entire month! Where did September go? It's now October and my little cherub is 9 weeks old tomorrow.
We have settled into as close to a routine as can be expected. Basically Kayla calls the shots and I respond. She has some quite unsettled periods during the day but thankfully sleeps quite well overnight. She has started to smile and coo which has us all falling under her spell. She is just so special and unique and lovely that I count my lucky stars every day and just drink her in.
The first couple of weeks were harder than I ever expected. My room at the hospital was opposite the staff amenities and the cleaners store room. It was incredibly noisy all hours of the day and night with staff walking past but I found it difficult to get any of them to actually come into the room. My anxiety levels were through the roof. Lack of sleep, pain, a screaming hungry baby and extremely high blood pressure really took their toll and I had a major anxiety attack on the last day. I couldn't believe they were sending me home with this tiny baby whose very life was in my hands when my milk hadn't come in and they hadn't even bothered to show me how to bath her (despite repeated requests).
Naively, I had expected breastfeeding would just happen and so was not prepared for anything else. Poor DH had to race down to the pharmacy to buy formula, bottles and a steriliser before I would leave the hospital. So much emphasis is put on breastfeeding and the world is full of experts on the subject. I did not expect it to be so difficult, but I put up with the screaming, and the disappointment and the bleeding nipples to prove to all the naysayers that feeding my starving baby formula until my milk came in was not the end of the breastfeeding world! My milk didn't come in until around day 10-12, and even now is still quite inconsistent. Thank the Lord for Blessed Thistle herbal capsules!
My parents came to stay for the first couple of weeks which was great because it allowed me to just focus on Kayla without having to worry about dinner or housework. But it was also lovely when they went home!
It has taken a long time for me to shed the feeling that all of this is temporary and one day will be gone. I've felt this since the beginning of the pregnancy and thought it would go once bub was born, but I think it just got worse. Once, around week 2 or 3, I was making a mess out of changing Kayla's nappy and she was starting to cry so I apologised to her and said "Aunty Lou is not very good at this". Ha! Seriously! DH thought it was very sad. Every day now I tell her that I am her mama, trying to make it real more for me I think than her. At times it is still surreal, but I'm trying to relax and just let it sink in that this is forever.
I. Am. A. Mother!
It finally worked! How amazing is that? This little creature who stares intently at me while I feed her, who smiles at me when I talk to her, and gets frustrated with me when I take too long getting her onto the breast. Who grunts and snuffles and farts all night long beside my bed, who stops crying when I hold her close. Who makes me laugh and makes me cry. This tiny creature is mine and I love her with all of my heart and soul.
We have settled into as close to a routine as can be expected. Basically Kayla calls the shots and I respond. She has some quite unsettled periods during the day but thankfully sleeps quite well overnight. She has started to smile and coo which has us all falling under her spell. She is just so special and unique and lovely that I count my lucky stars every day and just drink her in.
The first couple of weeks were harder than I ever expected. My room at the hospital was opposite the staff amenities and the cleaners store room. It was incredibly noisy all hours of the day and night with staff walking past but I found it difficult to get any of them to actually come into the room. My anxiety levels were through the roof. Lack of sleep, pain, a screaming hungry baby and extremely high blood pressure really took their toll and I had a major anxiety attack on the last day. I couldn't believe they were sending me home with this tiny baby whose very life was in my hands when my milk hadn't come in and they hadn't even bothered to show me how to bath her (despite repeated requests).
Naively, I had expected breastfeeding would just happen and so was not prepared for anything else. Poor DH had to race down to the pharmacy to buy formula, bottles and a steriliser before I would leave the hospital. So much emphasis is put on breastfeeding and the world is full of experts on the subject. I did not expect it to be so difficult, but I put up with the screaming, and the disappointment and the bleeding nipples to prove to all the naysayers that feeding my starving baby formula until my milk came in was not the end of the breastfeeding world! My milk didn't come in until around day 10-12, and even now is still quite inconsistent. Thank the Lord for Blessed Thistle herbal capsules!
My parents came to stay for the first couple of weeks which was great because it allowed me to just focus on Kayla without having to worry about dinner or housework. But it was also lovely when they went home!
It has taken a long time for me to shed the feeling that all of this is temporary and one day will be gone. I've felt this since the beginning of the pregnancy and thought it would go once bub was born, but I think it just got worse. Once, around week 2 or 3, I was making a mess out of changing Kayla's nappy and she was starting to cry so I apologised to her and said "Aunty Lou is not very good at this". Ha! Seriously! DH thought it was very sad. Every day now I tell her that I am her mama, trying to make it real more for me I think than her. At times it is still surreal, but I'm trying to relax and just let it sink in that this is forever.
I. Am. A. Mother!
It finally worked! How amazing is that? This little creature who stares intently at me while I feed her, who smiles at me when I talk to her, and gets frustrated with me when I take too long getting her onto the breast. Who grunts and snuffles and farts all night long beside my bed, who stops crying when I hold her close. Who makes me laugh and makes me cry. This tiny creature is mine and I love her with all of my heart and soul.
Monday, 17 August 2009
Does anyone's birth plan ever actually go to plan?
Months ago I sat with my Obstetrician and wrote a birth plan. May I please have a mostly pain-free vaginal birth. But if the baby's life is even slightly at risk, please feel free to slice me open like a fish. Thank you.
When I saw the Ob on Monday August 3rd, two days past my due date, he said he doubted that I would go into labour on my own so booked me in for an induction on Sunday August 9th.
5am Tuesday August 4th I woke in our swanky inner city apartment and felt the need to pace. I had what felt like menstrual pains that came and went, but mostly I just felt "weird", sort of agitated and hyper. DH got up around 7am and got ready to go to work, but, being the smart guy he is, decided to hang around for a while. By 8.30 the pains were coming every 15 mins or so and I had started spotting so we rang the Obstetrician but he was in surgery. A hospital midwife said to call back if the pains got worse or were coming every 5 minutes.
We started timing the contractions at about 11am, sometimes they were 10 minutes apart, sometimes only 3 or 4 minutes. We rang the Ob again around 12.30pm and when I could not talk through a contraction he decided we should make our way to the hospital.
Time at the hospital has become a bit of a blur but it didn't seem long after we arrived in the labour suite that the contractions really intensified. The midwives changed shifts at 3pm so I think it was around 4 or 5pm that I asked for the gas. The Ob came in around this time and said I was about 3cm dilated. WTF! only 3cm! I was devastated. They predicted that I would labour all through the night. The Ob offered to break my waters but I said no (Don't ask me why - I have no idea).
I think it was about 8pm when the Ob came in again, this time I was 8cm dilated. During the examination my waters broke and an insane amount of fluid gushed all over the bed and the floor. I was becoming pretty distressed with the pain by now and the gas was not helping at all. I said to the Ob "May I please have an epidural now?". Strange what pain does to you - some women become psychotic during labour, I became Little Miss Polite.
What seemed like a VERY LONG time later, an anesthetist came to administer the epidural. The midwife said "in about 15 minutes you will be in love with this man". Many, many, long minutes and 2 top-ups later I HATED that man. The pain was unbearable and the epidural was not working. At some point another examination must have happened because they suddenly started talking about the baby having turned and being in the wrong position and I would have to have a c-section.
They let my mum in to see me but I couldn't talk, I couldn't even cry even though I was so scared. I didn't really understand what was wrong, but suddenly everyone was moving and talking much faster than before. The need to push was overwhelming and although they told me not to, I believe that I did push once or twice.
In theatre they discovered that the epidural catheter had dislodged. They inserted a spinal block and the pain finally stopped. The anesthetist was suddenly very apologetic and friendly, giving us a running commentary all through the procedure. As bub's head emerged he held a mirror up for us to see. All I saw was a fat little blue face sticking out of my belly, but poor hubby told me later he saw more than he'd bargained for. "I've seen your gizzards and I still love you" will go down in our history as one of the most romantic things he's ever said to me ;-)
It seemed a very long time before I heard Kayla cry. The pediatrician later told us it took her two minutes to get Kayla to breathe on her own. Her first APGAR score was a measly 2 points. When she was first shown to me she was absolutely covered in meconium so it was a good thing she didn't breathe any of it into her lungs. Hubby went with them as they took her away to be cleaned and weighed then he took her to see my mum and dad.
We were moved up to the maternity ward about midnight I think. DH was given a terrible fold-out bed to sleep on which somehow he did, but despite feeling totally exhausted I could not sleep. It didn't help that a midwife kept coming in to check my blood pressure every 30 minutes and that Kayla spent the night in the nursery being fed formula because her temperature was too low. I have a vague memory of Kayla being put to my breast at one point but that may have been the next morning. So many thoughts were loose in my head and I couldn't quite believe what had happened. I'd just had a baby! A real, live baby!
When I saw the Ob on Monday August 3rd, two days past my due date, he said he doubted that I would go into labour on my own so booked me in for an induction on Sunday August 9th.
5am Tuesday August 4th I woke in our swanky inner city apartment and felt the need to pace. I had what felt like menstrual pains that came and went, but mostly I just felt "weird", sort of agitated and hyper. DH got up around 7am and got ready to go to work, but, being the smart guy he is, decided to hang around for a while. By 8.30 the pains were coming every 15 mins or so and I had started spotting so we rang the Obstetrician but he was in surgery. A hospital midwife said to call back if the pains got worse or were coming every 5 minutes.
We started timing the contractions at about 11am, sometimes they were 10 minutes apart, sometimes only 3 or 4 minutes. We rang the Ob again around 12.30pm and when I could not talk through a contraction he decided we should make our way to the hospital.
Time at the hospital has become a bit of a blur but it didn't seem long after we arrived in the labour suite that the contractions really intensified. The midwives changed shifts at 3pm so I think it was around 4 or 5pm that I asked for the gas. The Ob came in around this time and said I was about 3cm dilated. WTF! only 3cm! I was devastated. They predicted that I would labour all through the night. The Ob offered to break my waters but I said no (Don't ask me why - I have no idea).
I think it was about 8pm when the Ob came in again, this time I was 8cm dilated. During the examination my waters broke and an insane amount of fluid gushed all over the bed and the floor. I was becoming pretty distressed with the pain by now and the gas was not helping at all. I said to the Ob "May I please have an epidural now?". Strange what pain does to you - some women become psychotic during labour, I became Little Miss Polite.
What seemed like a VERY LONG time later, an anesthetist came to administer the epidural. The midwife said "in about 15 minutes you will be in love with this man". Many, many, long minutes and 2 top-ups later I HATED that man. The pain was unbearable and the epidural was not working. At some point another examination must have happened because they suddenly started talking about the baby having turned and being in the wrong position and I would have to have a c-section.
They let my mum in to see me but I couldn't talk, I couldn't even cry even though I was so scared. I didn't really understand what was wrong, but suddenly everyone was moving and talking much faster than before. The need to push was overwhelming and although they told me not to, I believe that I did push once or twice.
In theatre they discovered that the epidural catheter had dislodged. They inserted a spinal block and the pain finally stopped. The anesthetist was suddenly very apologetic and friendly, giving us a running commentary all through the procedure. As bub's head emerged he held a mirror up for us to see. All I saw was a fat little blue face sticking out of my belly, but poor hubby told me later he saw more than he'd bargained for. "I've seen your gizzards and I still love you" will go down in our history as one of the most romantic things he's ever said to me ;-)
It seemed a very long time before I heard Kayla cry. The pediatrician later told us it took her two minutes to get Kayla to breathe on her own. Her first APGAR score was a measly 2 points. When she was first shown to me she was absolutely covered in meconium so it was a good thing she didn't breathe any of it into her lungs. Hubby went with them as they took her away to be cleaned and weighed then he took her to see my mum and dad.
We were moved up to the maternity ward about midnight I think. DH was given a terrible fold-out bed to sleep on which somehow he did, but despite feeling totally exhausted I could not sleep. It didn't help that a midwife kept coming in to check my blood pressure every 30 minutes and that Kayla spent the night in the nursery being fed formula because her temperature was too low. I have a vague memory of Kayla being put to my breast at one point but that may have been the next morning. So many thoughts were loose in my head and I couldn't quite believe what had happened. I'd just had a baby! A real, live baby!
Friday, 14 August 2009
She's here!!
Kayla arrived via emergency c-section at 10.35pm on Tuesday August 4th, 3500gm (7lb 11) and 50cm (20in) long.
We are all home in our almost-finished house so I will try to update in the next day or so.
In the meantime, here's a picture of my little girl.......
We are all home in our almost-finished house so I will try to update in the next day or so.
In the meantime, here's a picture of my little girl.......
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Legs crossed
I was going to start by saying that the lack of posts recently has been due to a lack of creativity but that makes the rather large assumption that I am normally creative and witty. But I'd probably rather you think I was dull (and possibly vain) than know the truth about the last few weeks. Suffice to say that the hormones have been raging, the renovations are continuing and middle stepson, 16 year old Tiger, has moved in with us. I am a bit (!) of a control freak, and have not been coping terribly well with the lack of control, lack of privacy and immense changes that these last few months have brought.
I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel this week however and I'm hoping that the worst has passed. I have had to let go of the notion that the house will be ready before the baby arrives. Next week they start knocking down walls and dismantling my kitchen. I've decided to move into an apartment in the city close to the hospital. I am hoping that bub will arrive a few days later than expected to allow the work to be finished, but I suspect that even if bub was 2 weeks late s/he would still beat the renovations. I don't care if bub and I have to spend the first week or two of his/her life in a hotel or at my mother's house, I need to look after number one. I won't be taking bub home until all the work is done, the dust has settled and the painting has finished. Hey, perhaps I can talk my family into getting me a cleaning team for a day before we get home rather than the usual newborn bibs and blankies! What an awesome idea!
Bub is continuing to rock and roll all day long. My blood pressure is still moderately high but seems to be holding. I'm having it tested every second day and seeing the Ob twice a week. The other night I had some very light, brown spotting and the following night some period-like pains so I feel like everything is ready to go, but apparently bub's head is not even engaged yet. I didn't think it possible but my belly appears to have popped even more and I'm finding it really difficult to feel comfortable in any position for long. But still I love it! I will have to post one last belly shot before the big day.
I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel this week however and I'm hoping that the worst has passed. I have had to let go of the notion that the house will be ready before the baby arrives. Next week they start knocking down walls and dismantling my kitchen. I've decided to move into an apartment in the city close to the hospital. I am hoping that bub will arrive a few days later than expected to allow the work to be finished, but I suspect that even if bub was 2 weeks late s/he would still beat the renovations. I don't care if bub and I have to spend the first week or two of his/her life in a hotel or at my mother's house, I need to look after number one. I won't be taking bub home until all the work is done, the dust has settled and the painting has finished. Hey, perhaps I can talk my family into getting me a cleaning team for a day before we get home rather than the usual newborn bibs and blankies! What an awesome idea!
Bub is continuing to rock and roll all day long. My blood pressure is still moderately high but seems to be holding. I'm having it tested every second day and seeing the Ob twice a week. The other night I had some very light, brown spotting and the following night some period-like pains so I feel like everything is ready to go, but apparently bub's head is not even engaged yet. I didn't think it possible but my belly appears to have popped even more and I'm finding it really difficult to feel comfortable in any position for long. But still I love it! I will have to post one last belly shot before the big day.
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Still here...
Sorry for the silence. A few things are going on but everything is fine with bub.
I spent most of last week at my mother's house cashing in on some much needed pampering. It was great to escape from my noisy, busy house and catch up on some quality rest. I think bub appreciated it the most. Every night s/he would put on a show for our hosts by rolling from one side of my stomach to the other. My mother keeps telling me that although this will be her 5th grandchild it's special because she can be more involved with me than with her daughters-in-law. I hadn't really thought about what that meant until we were in the Ob's office and she said she'd never seen an ultrasound. The Ob was gorgeous with her pointing out all bub's features and printing out a pic for her to show off to her girlfriends.
My blood pressure was up a bit high which earned me another round of tests and a repeat visit last Saturday. I failed the Group B Strep test but passed the pre-eclampsia blood and urine tests which was important. We also got to experience the wonderfully named Pregnancy Day Care Centre while they recorded bub's movements over an hour. We had the bags packed for this appointment just in case... and I think DH was disappointed we were sent home. I have another appointment on Friday and a date with the chemist every other day to keep an eye on my blood pressure.
I have got the most hilarious waddle going on this week. I think bub must be pushing on a nerve somewhere because I am experiencing intense discomfort in my lower pelvis which is making moving around an interesting exercise. Otherwise all is going well. I have always had a feeling that bub would arrive early but at this stage it appears likely we will go full term. Not long now!
I spent most of last week at my mother's house cashing in on some much needed pampering. It was great to escape from my noisy, busy house and catch up on some quality rest. I think bub appreciated it the most. Every night s/he would put on a show for our hosts by rolling from one side of my stomach to the other. My mother keeps telling me that although this will be her 5th grandchild it's special because she can be more involved with me than with her daughters-in-law. I hadn't really thought about what that meant until we were in the Ob's office and she said she'd never seen an ultrasound. The Ob was gorgeous with her pointing out all bub's features and printing out a pic for her to show off to her girlfriends.
My blood pressure was up a bit high which earned me another round of tests and a repeat visit last Saturday. I failed the Group B Strep test but passed the pre-eclampsia blood and urine tests which was important. We also got to experience the wonderfully named Pregnancy Day Care Centre while they recorded bub's movements over an hour. We had the bags packed for this appointment just in case... and I think DH was disappointed we were sent home. I have another appointment on Friday and a date with the chemist every other day to keep an eye on my blood pressure.
I have got the most hilarious waddle going on this week. I think bub must be pushing on a nerve somewhere because I am experiencing intense discomfort in my lower pelvis which is making moving around an interesting exercise. Otherwise all is going well. I have always had a feeling that bub would arrive early but at this stage it appears likely we will go full term. Not long now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
