Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Then there were ten

Of the 21 eggs, eleven were good enough for ICSI and ten fertilised.

Still sore and sorry. Sunday will be transfer day.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

New trick - old chook

21 eggs collected today.
Not too shabby for such an old chook!
From 40+ follicles
Polycystic much?

Dr No was bragging that he can collect more eggs than most of the other surgeons, but tomorrow will be the telling point. How many will be mature enough to fertilise?

Still bleeding, pain about a 6 out of 10, but thats the easy bit done, now comes the hard part...

Friday, 25 July 2008

Good Golly Follie

The sonographer today counted 40+ follicles! No wonder I couldn't get out of bed this morning!

I have been worrying about doubling my dose of Pure.gon this time and overstimulating, but the follie count hasn't gone up terribly much from last time and my hormone levels are fine so it all looks ok so far.

Most of the follicles are about between 12-14mm so I'll have 2 more stims and then trigger Sunday night. Retrieval will be Tuesday. I have to travel about 2 hours to the other clinic because Dr No wants to do the procedure himself. To be honest I actually prefer the other clinic, the view is not as good, but they only do gyno procedures so its more comfortable, and prettier too.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post, I really appreciate your input. Rose is coming this weekend so I'll talk to her then. Pam at Wordgirl, I have to say that step-parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done too. LL you make me laugh so much my ovaries hurt! Unfortunately yes, the Screaming Banshee is definitely a wanna-be Rober.ta, with purple hair!

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Teenage Angst

I read somewhere that the two most difficult years of a woman's life are the year she turns 13 and the year her daughter turns 13. My stepdaughter, the gorgeous Rose, is halfway through her 13th year. DH and I have no problems with her whatsoever, but admittedly she's only with us a couple of nights a fortnight. At her mother's house there are almost nightly yelling incidents between her and The Screaming Banshee (her mother) and sometimes the Loser Boyfriend, which all too often escalate into violence, verbal abuse and tears.

We, of course, just get Rose's side of the story. She is a strong willed girl and I'm sure she could be a handful if she wanted to be, after all she is her mother's daughter. And as the name suggests, her mother is a Screaming Banshee with a very short fuse. She is prone to massive temper tantrums in which she will scream, yell, and throw insults (and the occasional object). Her most popular insult at the moment is to call Rose a slut, which has its desired effect of reducing Rose to tears. Rose rang DH this morning upset because she heard her mother telling someone else that 'Rose is becoming a real little slut'.

There have been many incidents over the years that I have felt warranted our intervention, but DH has always been reluctant, he doesn't want to give the Banshee an excuse to enter our lives so we shouldn't enter hers. But I am struggling with this. Rose is on the cusp of that age when boys become all consuming, I don't want her to be making decisions with thoughts in her head like 'oh well Mum already thinks I'm a slut'.

I talk alot with Rose about body image and self esteem but we haven't spoken directly about this. I sent her an email today with a daggy little 'I love you' song (so cute!) to cheer her up, but I apart from "your mother is an idiot" I'm not sure what to say.

Sorry about my rant, but I'm in need of some assvice. I understand that parenting teenage girls is difficult, but what kind of mother calls her 13 year old a slut?! How do you ask/tell a co-parent to change the way they are parenting their child? How do I undo the poison this woman is putting in her daughter's head? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Monday, 21 July 2008

Multi-tasking Mania

DH and I have so many projects happening at once we are giving multi-tasking a bad name! Poor DH is working ridiculous hours but still can't catch up, which is not helping him to get over his Shingles. Oops, that's 2 posts now that I have called him "Poor DH". I shouldn't do that, he already thinks that DH stands for 'd!ckhead' so 'poor d!ickhead' is probably quite insulting. In case you thought the same... DH actually stands for Darling Husband - which he is by the way and not a d!ckhead at all (well except for that one time when he got drunk at my brother's wedding, but lets not go there!)

Anyhoo, back to the point. We have sooooo much on that life is just not much fun at the moment. We are paying out money hand over fist and not really getting anything in return. We know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and eventually all this mania will pay dividends, but its hard to remember that right now.

We went out for dinner with friends in the city on Friday night, so rather than drive the hour home only to get up and drive all the way back in the morning, I booked a Hotel room. It was lovely to be 'home' so quick after dinner and relax with a nightcap (or two) then get up and have a leisurely breakfast in the morning. It's very hard to make the injection part of the evening romantic, but I got dolled up, wearing make-up and even matching underwear! I think this was the biggest surprise of the night! Not sexy underwear mind you, just the same colour. I don't want you to think I went totally overboard!

Saturday was spent putting together an I.KEA kitchen in our almost finished brand new office building. I think their instructions are written in Chinese first then translated to Swedish then to English, and the person who draws the little diagrams aspires to be a political satire cartoonist. But we got most of it built, although it took all day and we got no other work done. I did suggest to DH that we get a kitchen manufacturer to build a kitchen for us, but he suggested that I pull my head in. Personally I think if you have to build it yourself it's not cheap at all, but maybe that's just because I come from a family full of technically-inept men.

Dinner was interesting on the Friday night. W is quite a few years older than DH and this is his second marriage, his children are all adults. C is my age and said very plainly that she has never wanted to have kids. DH and I looked at each other and I knew right away what he was thinking. So many of our friends are like this. We thought of at least 4 couples right away who are childless by choice or whose children have left home, who would be extremely disappointed in us if we suddenly (in their minds) announced we were having a baby. This makes me feel sad in one way, that we would probably lose friends if we had a baby, but strangely happy in another, if this IVF lark proves impossible at least we have a network of friends who won't ask why we don't have kids.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Can you believe it....... Cycle#12

In the wise words of Chris Martin and Cold Play (The Scientist)

nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Injections started last night for Cycle number 12. This is only the second full down-regulated cycle I have done, the first being my very first IVF. But this time the new Doc has doubled my Pure.gon dose which could be interesting. I'm terribly worried about over stimulating but we shall wait and see, it could be the one thing that makes all the difference. I truly hope it is.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Weighed Down

My weight loss goal of 5kg before the end of July is not going well. I have been to the gym twice in the past week and have had 2 migraines in the past week. My migraines usually only last about 24 hours but leave me fuzzy and feeling pretty drained for a few days afterwards - during which time I eat lots of lovely comfort foods to make myself feel better... I dare not weigh myself this week.

My old Pilate's instructor told me that if the body is weak it will not get pregnant. I keep trying things to strengthen my body, but this happens every time. I suffer regular headaches at the best of times (my theory has something to do with weak neck muscles), and if I persist with the gym work maybe I can fix whatever the problem is and be rid of them forever. But my body seems to be blocking any attempt I make at trying to help it. I don't understand this body of mine. Why can't it just work properly?!

I read an article recently, written by a kinesiologist, about the subconscious, the part of the brain that connects with the nervous system and tries to keep our bodies safe from pain and fear (fight or flight responses). It said that the subconscious can put up mental blocks that can work against us getting pregnant. In a life or death situation like starvation it will tell the body to 'shut down' certain functions to preserve itself. In term of trying to conceive, the article says that if you have pets (or even a job) that you mother, your subconscious may tell your body to 'shut down' your reproductive functions because you already have babies to care for. Or, if you have unresolved emotional issues to do with childhood trauma involving a parent or parental figure, your subconscious may block pregnancy trying to save you the pain of reliving the trauma should you become a parent yourself.

I am wary of kinesiologists. The few I have met have all seemed a really flaky and weird. But I'm starting to think that there may be something in this particular theory. Because I was se.xually assaulted as a child, my teenage years were horrible as I dealt with my emerging se.xuality and I still have a few hangups. So it's safe to say that I probably have a few subconscious blocks relating to this, but whether or not they are to blame for my infertility I'm not sure. But, just in case, I have recently started trying to deal with this by saying out loud (to my empty house) things that happened and repeating to myself that "I WILL be a great mother" and "I CAN protect my children". Perhaps I should also add "My body is healthy and strong and ready to reproduce".

Monday, 7 July 2008

Verbally advanced 2 year olds and impending births

My DH has been so stressed and overworked lately that he's had a dose of shingles, poor baby. He's had it before and it tends to reappear when he's run down. Unfortunately, there is nothing to be done for it so he has just had to suffer through. Mind you, he's very good at this - a martyr from way back!

We were on our way to my parents house on Saturday when my younger brother rang to invite himself to see us, so instead he invited himself to our parents as well. Both Mum and Dad are quite sick with colds so it was just meant to be a very quiet weekend, a bit of a pity party really, but all of a sudden Mum had to cater for an extra 2 adults and a 2 year old. Which of course she did fine, because she's another martyr!

I love my brother and his wife, and their daughter is just gorgeous too, but as always my stomach drops and I wonder how I will cope seeing my SIL in all her 7 month pregnant glory. My concern is my wayward emotions, its not that I envy her or hate her for her ability to do what I can't. I just worry that I will cry at an inopportune time or say something terribly bitter or morose, like "Goddamn it, why can't I be 7 months pregnant!" and make everyone uncomfortable. We have not told them about our struggles, although I'm sure that my mother has. We get on really well and I'm positive they would be very supportive (her 2 closest friends are doing IVF, one has 2 kids the other has none as yet) but I just can't seem to find the right time/situation to bring it up.

How do you drop "we've been trying to have a baby together for 5 years and are about to start our 12th attempt" into general conversation? Especially when there is a verbally advanced 2 year old and an impending birth to talk about. Consequently, we didn't tell them and my mother accused us of being quiet, and DH didn't get the relaxing weekend I was hoping for.

As an aside, my SIL had this picture book about a new baby coming into a family. It was terribly disturbing. The family were zebra's, the mother wore a dress but the father only wore a hat (feeding the theory that women should be ashamed of their bodies?). Anyway Mama Zebra goes away and comes back with a baby which has a speech balloon on almost every page of "Whah, whah, whah". Little Boy Zebra wants a cuddle from Mama Zebra but Mama Zebra is too busy feeding, cleaning or otherwise placating New Baby Zebra. Little Boy Zebra gets increasingly distressed throughout the story "Can I have a cuddle now?!" until finally Mama Zebra gives him a cuddle and reads him a bedtime story. My brother and SIL had better hope that their verbally advanced child cannot understand the moral of this story - that once this baby is born she'll be ignored all day until bedtime - or they'll have a mutiny on their hands!