Tuesday, 30 December 2008


After kicking the cold I have been feeling quite well the past few weeks. I could sleep all day every day and have been doing very little. Some days, like today, I feel slightly queasy and light headed all day and need to eat constantly, but most days I feel fine until I find myself at the supermarket checkout behind someone with strong body odour or a roasted chicken in their trolley and I'm desperately looking for somewhere to barf.

I hope these things mean that all is going well. I'm mostly managing to keep the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) at bay but the upcoming 12 week ultrasound and pre-natal tests are keeping me awake at night. I've grown quite attached to this tiny nugget growing inside me and the thought of them finding something horrifically wrong and having to terminate scares the shit out of me.

I'm confused about the doom and gloom reaction from the clinic. Surely a 90% accurate test showing chromosomally normal cells from the transferred embryos would be cause for celebration and remove the need for more invasive genetic testing? But conversations with the Geneticist and FS, and literature they've sent me say these tests are even more important in my case. I understand that most of the abnormalities in the other embryos were really quite serious, but so serious they were considered unlikely to even implant let alone grow to this point. And the chance of an embryo having two different cell types is very rare, around 1-2% I think they said. I feel like they have scared me unnecessarily, but I can't seem to shake the fear.

I do feel confident that bub is still with me and still growing. I keep trying to tell myself that there is no history of chromosomal abnormalities in either family, that I may be old but I'm not that old, that bub has already passed this test once, that the odds are that everything will be alright and I'm worrying about nothing.

Only 20-something sleeps til we find out.....

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

First OB visit

We met our Ob on Monday. What a sweet, gentle and caring man. Terrible, shocking, appalling dress sense! But I don't plan on taking him out anywhere so I suppose he may dress as he pleases. As you can imagine it took ages to go through our IVF history, but the clinic has passed no information on, not even the referral, so it had to be done. I also had to re-do all my blood tests but never mind.

The best things I liked about him were that he has a sense of humour and that hubby liked him too. Also, he has an ultrasound machine in his consulting room so we got to see bub's flickering heart again. S'he has grown 6mm in the past week. He said it was looking like a very healthy pregnancy.

Going to the hospital was a strange experience. I said to DH "Oh god, this place is going to be full of pregant women with huge pregnant bellies." He pointed out that I was a pregnant woman too. But old habits obvioulsy die hard and I still felt my anxiety levels rising and that pang of envy looking at all the beautifully shaped bellies.

Speaking of bellies (not so beautifully shaped) we have worked out why I look so big. Seriously, I look 3-4 months pregnant, too big to hide but too small for a belly belt. The ultrasound last week showed at least a dozen cysts on both ovaries, some measured 30mm or more, and they looked even bigger on the Obs scan. The Ob was suprised that I didn't get a worse case of OHSS but seemed confident that they will go on their own.

We have only told my parents and 2 of my friends, but people are starting to ask. Apart from my bloated belly, the thing that seems to make most people suspicious is that I'm not drinking alcohol. Did I really drink so much before that this change in my behaviour is so unusual?! We are telling people that I still have my cold and the antibiotics I'm taking don't mix with alcohol, but DH's brother asked him straight out last week so this doesn't seem to be working. I'm sure there will be no fooling my SIL's over Christmas, but at least when we see them we won't have the kids with us so it won't matter if they do guess. It's still far too early to tell the kids.

The people at work are suspicious too. It may have something to do with the fact that yesterday, on the way to the pub for our office breakup, I jumped out of the car when DH stopped at an intersection to go vomit in someone's front garden. What an uncomfortable lunch that was, apart from the embarrassment of the public vomit, our staff just don't really gel together as a group so much of the conversation was forced and awkward. Ah well, we're all off on two weeks holiday now so who cares.

I'm probably breaching all kinds of copyright here (sorry Keith), but one of our freelance designers sent us this and I think its so cute I just had to share.

Wishing everyone safe and happy Christmas and new year celebrations; full of love, laughter and hope.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Goodbye IVF Clinic

We met with the IVF doc last night.

Apart from a few self congratulatory remarks, his first comment to us was "Don't go around telling everyone just yet". We then got the lectures about the risk of miscarriage is very high blah blah blah, you will have to have all the pre natal screening tests blah blah blah.

He is also an Ob and had obviously assumed we would use him, so I think we may have put his nose of of joint when we said we'd chosen another hospital so needed a referral to a new Ob. He even made a few disparaging remarks about the Ob we'd chosen. He hadn't received the scan report so we couldn't discuss that. I had a heap of questions, but he rushed us out very quickly saying again how he had thought there was no way this cycle was going to work for us.

When we got to the car, DH said "well that was awkward". We'd been totally booted off cloud nine, sent back down to feeling anxious again. This was always going to be our last meeting with the Clinic, but I was excited to think we'd be leaving on a high note, instead the only things up high were our middle fingers. Goodbye clinic, eff you and your lack of confidence. We'll show you!

I need to do a big ranting post about being a step parent again but I seriously can't be bothered. Suffice to say that DH doesn't understand and never will, perhaps I'll invite my mother to stay for a month - that might have a similar effect. SS Tiger had been here for almost 4 weeks, 2 of which I was sick and still had to put up with his tantrums and be his slave. This past week I have matched DH's working hours because I'd had enough. He'd overstayed his welcome, told me to shut up one too many times and thrown one too many tantrums.

Last night he was having a tantrum because he couldn't find on the computer how to update his i.phone - obviously the useless fucking computer and the stupid fucking chair's fault and that he doesn't know how to use his phone - anyway he started yelling at the cat because he was meowing at the door. All of a sudden the future became clear to me. When this baby is born the shit is well and truly going to hit the fan! My cats are one thing, but watch this mummy roar if any of them even think about yelling at my baby.

Monday, 15 December 2008


We saw a heartbeat!!!! Just one. OMG how amazing! This tiny thing that was just a mass of cells a few weeks ago now has a heart - and it's beating at 138bpm! How cool is that?

Bub is measuring 10.7mm, 7 weeks and 2 days, both of which are right on target for EDD of August 1st.

This was the biggest test for me and bub has passed with flying colours once again. We are now 4 from 4.

Thanks again for all your good wishes. Please stick with me, you're my good luck charms.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

One more sleep

Viability scan is tomorrow! Only one more sleep!

It has poured with rain here non-stop since Friday, so we've been locked inside with the kids watching movies all weekend. Time seems to be in slow motion. The day before the scan was the day I started to miscarry last time.

SD Rose is changing to a new school next year, she keeps telling me that she's excited and scared at the same time. That's exactly how I feel about tomorrow. I am trying lots of positive visualisations and a couple of bouts of nausea over the past few days have been strangely reassuring.

Wish us luck.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Blogger friends in need

Please spare a thought for Lisa and Vee today.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

3rd beta

Had blood taken for my 3rd and final beta this morning, and hopefully my final blood draw for some time! It came back at 6,000. According to the doubling every 48 hours theory I was expecting over 10,000 but this means a 70 hour doubling rate. The nurse said she wasn't at all concerned, they consider anything between 4,000 and 28,000 at this stage as 'normal'.

Yes, I do have overly high expectations, but mostly I am concerned because I have been so unwell. I went to the doctor yesterday and was given antibiotics so I hope to be back to normal again very soon.

My pg symptoms have either packed up and left or are just hiding beneath all the coughing and snot. Its so weird, every morning I look at my breasts and think "oh ok I must still be pregnant" and every time I wipe after the toilet and don't see blood I'm almost shocked "ha! still pregnant. amazing".

We are currently booked into 2 obstetricians and 3 hospitals! I'm finding it very difficult to take it all seriously and make a decision.

6 more sleeps until our first scan......

Thursday, 4 December 2008


I'm sick.

Unfortunately not the morning kind of sickness, just the cold kind of sickness. I managed to get through winter without catching a cold but now that it's summer the lurgy has got me. I feel like crap, run over by a bus, crap. Nose and eyes running, coughing, burning throat, blah blah blah....

I don't know if I should go to the doctor. I don't think there is anything I can take anyway. Its currently 7.30am and I'm already dreaming of soaking in a steaming hot bath then curling up in bed with a book (although my current book is terribly boring, I really don't know why I'm persisting, anyone have any suggestions for a good read?).

I have a huge weekend coming up. We have kids of course (the Screaming Banshee should be paying us the bloody child support) and my parents are coming to stay as well. My FIL and SIL are both artists and they are holding an exhibition this weekend. All non-talented relatives such as myself have been given jobs as caterers and servers. My FILs pride and joy is his garden, which he is also opening to the public this weekend. The whole thing is fraught with danger. He has absolutely no tolerance for young children, and of course kids love his garden. It has paths and bridges to run over, ducks to chase and how else do you find out how deep a lake is except by throwing things into it - the exact same things that drive him most crazy.

However, the most stressful thing about this weekend will be trying to make sure my parents don't say anything in front of the kids about... well you know. I still can't say it but you know what I mean. I wish I hadn't told mum, she is terrible at secrets, but its too late now.

Ugh, I have so much work to do. I must stop procrastinating. Blogging is such a great way to procrastinate ;-)

Congrats to Behind the Mask for her great beta, Melbagirl for positive pee sticks at 8dp2dt and Lisa for hearing a heartbeat! Go girls!

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Just breathe....

One thousand two hundred and sixty-four. Onethousandtwohundredandsixtyfour. It's so much more exciting when you say it fast!

I should be yelling from the rooftops. 1264 is a fabulous number. Doubling time of 48 hours. As Expected. Normal. Great.

But still. There is something inside me, pulling me back, telling me to just slow down, breathe, don't get too ahead of yourself. What is it? Will I ever be rid of this stupid fear that the rug will be pulled from under us any second?

We have so many tests still ahead of us. But for the moment we are 2 for 2. I am so thankful for your kind words and support. I am just so thankful....