Years ago I worked in a company run by a husband and wife, both aged in their mid-forties. Her first marriage and his second, he had 2 adult daughters and apparently didn't want any more. Sue-Ann was a gorgeous, tall, athletic looking 'career woman' who we naively assumed didn't want children either. Every year the whole company (about 20 people) went away for a weekend retreat/conference thingy, and this particular year a new employee, Diane, was invited even though she wasn't starting with us for another couple of weeks. At dinner the first night Sue-Ann asked Diane if she was married. Diane replied she had been married for 13 years and had "3 beautiful daughters who light up my life every day". Sue-Ann burst into tears and ran from the table. I remember looking in shock to her husband who just sighed and rolled his eyes, as if this was some annoying party trick that Sue-Ann performed all too often.
I don't want to be like Sue-Ann. I don't want to make a decision that I will later regret. I don't want to be forever worried that the emotions related to my rued decision may boil over at the mere mention of children and spoil dinner for all those present. I don't want my husband roll his eyes and make embarrassed excuses for me. I don't want people around me to feel guilty that they have children when I could not.
I hope against hope that if I never have a biological child it has come down to my choice. Although even as I write it I know this to be a very naive statement. If I don't have a child it will be because all treatment has failed and I have called a stop to the madness of what has gone beyond reason and become an obsession. I don't think that can logically be called choice. I just want to be able to live comfortably with whatever happens.
DH and I have made a tentative decision to continue treatment for the time being, ignoring the '12 cycle' limit if it comes to that. At this point I would like to say that I hope that this next cycle will work and the hardest choices we will have to make in the near future will be disposable or cloth nappies, government or private schooling. I would like to say that, but I think I am all out of hope at the moment. In that case, I hear you ask, why postpone the inevitable? Why not stop now? Because I'm not ready yet, and I don't want to be like Sue-Ann. And here we are again - full circle.