Monday, 23 June 2008

I think an apology is in order

Thank you kind friends for checking in on me. I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I am very very sorry for being so slack. A couple of things have been going on but nothing to excuse such an extended absence.

I have a new job! I have never really done this sort of work before so have been doing some training and struggling just to get my head around it. To be honest I'm a bit scared that I will completely stuff it up, but diving in head first anyway.

The D&C has also thrown me a bit as well. It sounds ridiculous because its not the same at all, but since the low positive and the D&C I feel I have been grieving another miscarriage. Not the raw grief and tears like last time, but this time anger, confusion and isolating myself (which I have always been good at). I considered giving up altogether, I considered donor eggs, I even considered moving to a third world country and setting up an orphanage. After all this considering, my only decision was to delay any decisions until after hearing the results from Doctor No.

Which we did last week. The barrage of tests have all come back offering no discernible reason for my 'recurrent implantation failure'. His only advise was to keep going with treatment, but this time try a 'standard' IVF with the contraceptive pill and long down regulation protocol. DH and I barely had time to discuss what we wanted to do when AF unexpectedly arrived and forced my hand - we either start now and transfer at the end of July, or wait to start in July and transfer late August. I decided on the former, so apparently Cycle Number 12 has begun.

I have joined a gym in the hope of shedding at least 5kg by the end of July, and trying to get my diet under control. I need to cut back on my sugar intake, it does my PCOS absolutely no favours but I do love and crave it so. I am an average cook but a lazy one and not a big fan of my winter vegies, but I put it in writing here that I will make more of an effort. I even made pumpkin soup on the weekend! My Chiropractor says I need to include 15+ fruit/veg in my diet daily but I just can't see that happening.

First AF since the D&C has been a true bitch. I haven't had one this heavy and painful for years. So bad that it has been waking me during the night. I think this is what's been causing my weird dreams. The last few nights I dreamed that I was pregnant (one night I was carrying 4 babies, one for me and 3 for one of you!), last night I went to bed hoping to have the same dreams again but instead some guy shot me about 6 times in the back as I was running away and left me to bleed to death. I prefer the pregnant dreams please.

I've been doing some quick lurking so I'm aware of what most of you are up to, but it may take me a couple of days to catch up on my commenting. Slacker. Sorry.

9 comments:

sweetpeapod said...

Welcome back; no apology needed. :-) It's not easy keeping up with all the stuff that's going on in the blogging world -and there seem to be a lot a intense things going on out there right now. I just read about Antigone Lost and I'm shocked and horrified.

Joonie said...

It is so good to have you back! I understand needing to drop out of sight for a while every now and then, but I am glad that you're back.

sara said...

I'm glad you're okay and back up and running. I totally understand the need to take a break though. I hope your new job is going well, and that you're feeling better soon!

Mr. & Mrs. M@sk said...

It's good to hear from you. Congats on the new job too! With PCOS I responded quite well to the pill down reg protocol so hopefully it is the winning formula for you.

Bee Cee said...

Good to see your update. Wow, into a new cycle. I really hope this is the magic one for you.

Stacie said...

I don't know if I comment much, but I have been cheering you on for quite some time now (found you through topcat).

Congrats on the new job and hope you're feeling better soon.

sara said...

Thanks for the good wishes yesterday, your message brought a smile to my face :-)

Melbagirl said...

Glad to hear from you. It is funny that you and I have both changed our protocols, isn't it? Excellent news about your new job. You know what they say ... a change is as good as a holiday!

PS I hope one of those babies you dreamt about was for me ;-)

Kenya said...

So glad you checked in.