Reprieve

I am enjoying my first week this year without any step-kids. It may be a short reprieve though, as Tiger says he will be living with us this year once school starts. [And yes, he really did say "I'm gonna live at your house" not "may I?" or "Is it ok?".] He is much better behaved at our house than his mother's, and it's probably in his best interests to be with his Dad, but... he is just so full-on. He has to have everyone's attention 24/7, and if you don't take the opportunity to give positive attention he will start seeking negative attention - which is best avoided for everyone's sake. Of course, I am the one who will have to take him to school, and entertain him after school, because DH works such long hours. It makes working from home much less attractive.

I think everyone who is going through ART/IVF has feelings of their life being out of their control. More than usual, I feel out of control right now. I have no control over having a baby, and now I have no control over who I live with, I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. This annoys the crap out of me. I only made it through 2007 by assuring myself that 2008 would be fabulous, but I really seem to be struggling so far this year....

Perhaps it's just that as we get into this FET cycle, I am thinking of the cycle we did in February last year. The excitement of the BFP, the fear, the loss. I wrote in my last post that I don't expect this to work, and I don't, but perhaps I am subconsciously worried that it will work and that I will miscarry again. I know this doesn't make any sense, just because it happened this time last year doesn't mean it will happen again. I am praying that my body clock is set to the Chinese calender and that things will become fabulous after Chinese New Year on February 7.

Good luck to all my other CycleSista's for February.

Cycle Number 10

Here we go again! Time to board the rollercaster for another bumpy ride into the unknown.

Actually this cycle is a bit of unknown territory, it is a medicated FET cycle. Due to the questionable quality of my eggs I don't usually get any frosties. My only other FET experience was drug-free. This time I have to down-regulate then take prognov@, then, well I don't exactly know - perhaps I should read the information. Boy how things change. At the beginning of this journey I would have read everything I could get my hands on, researched it on the internet and been able to quote the success rates from three major clinics.

Disappointingly, this attitude also seems to have moved into my positivity zone. I find myself thinking of this cycle as a bit of a non-event. If it goes ahead - I only have one embryo - I expect it will fail and then we'll move on to the next stim cycle. My doctor obviously shares my optimism - he's already given the nurse instructions for my next cycle.

I start the syn@rel spray tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Phoenix

I have spent the last week on self-proclaimed vacation trying to reclaim my house from its fire-damaged ashes. Sometimes I think I called the fire-brigade too early. While I can't rebuild it myself, I feel the need to try and take some control. I mean for fanny's sake - its been almost six months!

We spent the weekend clearing the garden and the shed, so I have spent this week decluttering the house. I must admit to being a bit of a hoarder. I have these piles of books, newspapers and magazines throughout the house that I erroneously believe that I will get around to reading. Why is that little piles of books strategically placed around the house only look good in English Country Style magazines. Perhaps it's the strategic placement I am having trouble with. But with my papers and all the power leads going everywhere I am risking another fire. Oh. Now there's an idea!

I am also attempting to create some order in my home office. But since the fire my home office has become the dining room, my desk the dining table, so it is nigh on impossible to make it look the least bit tidy or unobtrusive. Even the kids rooms are not safe from my cleaning frenzy. Poor SD Rose's bedroom was badly damaged in the fire so she has been sleeping on a sofa-bed in the 'kids' lounge room. This is probably the best room in the house so she's loving it, but [in the context of cleaning] her bed has been packed up and put away. I am eeeeeville as she would say.

I may have mentioned it already, but the Insurance Company-appointed builder has quit the job so we are having to start again from scratch. This time we are getting the quotes ourselves and hopefully they will just give us the money and let us manage the re-building. Since our stay in the posh beach house DH is keen on adding a second storey to contain a big bedroom for ourselves with a posh ensuite and lounge area. I have been spending far too much time this past week trying to come up with a design for this insane notion. I can't see how we could afford this and somehow I don't think the insurance company will believe we forgot to mention our second floor when we filed the claim.

For a short time before Christmas we considered knocking the whole house down and just building one of those cheap, mass-produced, homogeneous houses. Our house is definitely not a pretty house, but it has character I guess and so much light - that is what I would miss the most. But at the moment I just want a whole house. With full power. With no temporary fencing around it.

Back to Earth at last

Thanks for your comments on my last post. Sorry its been so long.

After the disappointment of our last cycle I put my head down and threw myself into work [which is always frantic for the last few weeks of the year]. Then on the 23rd we packed up and went to the beach with the kids for 2 weeks. The house we rented was gorgeous, the weather was wonderful, we caught up with some great friends, the kids had a great time.... Oh my god, doesn't anyone else see that massive elephant in the corner? I had an awful time! Never. Again. Ever.

We agreed that the kids could each bring a friend. So Rosie [13] brought a horsey friend, bit of a tomboy, but she's not into boys yet so we like her. Tiger [15] doesn't have many friends, and the one he invited pulled out at the last minute. Batman [17] is never without a crowd, so after much negotiation it was agreed that he could bring 2 friends. But seeing how rules don't apply to him, he rocked up with 3.

So here we are in a brand-new pristinely-white 4 bedroom house in which every sound echoes, with one lounge room, one tv, no back yard and 7 teenagers [plus girlfriends and other hangers-on popping in]. Basically, my idea of hell! My relaxing holiday out the window.... I think I got to sit on the sofa once.

Every time I went down the street I saw hoards of teenagers hanging out in cafe's, in groups on the beach, surfing [after all we were at Victoria's best surf beach!]. But where were my hoards? Taking over the house, watching dvd's, drinking beer and playing poker or Sing.star - inside! We couldn't get them to do anything, but we couldn't leave them alone either. Tiger and Batman fight like cat and dog, and I just wasn't comfortable leaving two 13 year old girls alone with all those boys.

Look, it really wasn't that bad, I know it could have been worse! But I really mind the kid's arrogance, their disrespect, their sense of entitlement that this holiday was all about them and DH and I are only there to pay for it and pour their drinks. Batman took the cake when the first lot of friends finally went home he told us there were another 4 coming the next day! Thankfully DH said they couldn't stay. And Tiger's disdain and disbelief when we said, on the second last night, that we were going out for an adults-only dinner with friends.

It's probably just me, I don't know. DH certainly couldn't understand my distress, and now doubts my ability to cope with a child of my own. He seems to think that going on holiday with 7 kids is just what normal mother's deal with on a regular basis. Personally, I can't think of any who would have coped with that. My mother rang me in tears after a morning of minding my 3 year old niece. Perhaps we need to have one of those uncomfortable discussions about expectations.

I think there is a reason babies and young children are so cute; its so their parents fall madly in love with them and that love tides them over during the ugly, selfish teenage years. I do love DH's kids but not in that unconditional mother's love way, and I don't think it is reasonable to expect me to. They are not mine, they have not been brought up the way I would do it, they get away with stuff I would never tolerate, and we have burst into each other's lives without history, without bonding and really without permission.

We are going ahead with a FET cycle in February, even though I am seriously concerned about how the kids would handle a new baby in their lives. Or perhaps more honestly, how I would handle having my baby in their lives.

Wow, what a long post! Now I'll try to catch up on what you've been up to.