Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Reprieve

I am enjoying my first week this year without any step-kids. It may be a short reprieve though, as Tiger says he will be living with us this year once school starts. [And yes, he really did say "I'm gonna live at your house" not "may I?" or "Is it ok?".] He is much better behaved at our house than his mother's, and it's probably in his best interests to be with his Dad, but... he is just so full-on. He has to have everyone's attention 24/7, and if you don't take the opportunity to give positive attention he will start seeking negative attention - which is best avoided for everyone's sake. Of course, I am the one who will have to take him to school, and entertain him after school, because DH works such long hours. It makes working from home much less attractive.

I think everyone who is going through ART/IVF has feelings of their life being out of their control. More than usual, I feel out of control right now. I have no control over having a baby, and now I have no control over who I live with, I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. This annoys the crap out of me. I only made it through 2007 by assuring myself that 2008 would be fabulous, but I really seem to be struggling so far this year....

Perhaps it's just that as we get into this FET cycle, I am thinking of the cycle we did in February last year. The excitement of the BFP, the fear, the loss. I wrote in my last post that I don't expect this to work, and I don't, but perhaps I am subconsciously worried that it will work and that I will miscarry again. I know this doesn't make any sense, just because it happened this time last year doesn't mean it will happen again. I am praying that my body clock is set to the Chinese calender and that things will become fabulous after Chinese New Year on February 7.

Good luck to all my other CycleSista's for February.

5 comments:

Bside- Kenya said...

I know what you mean about having no control over the circumstances in your life. It sucks, but you WILL get through it. HUGS.

Topcat is fiery, said...

Wow, I can relate to you so, so much with the step-parenting fiasco; I really hope it goes ok for you. How hard is it sometimes? We love them, but they are not 'ours'.

I'm here if you ever need to chat, purge, or offload.

How scary to be coming up to an FET, but exciting at the same time - at the thought that it may just possibly work. I pray it does. You have every chance in the world. xoxo

Rachel said...

Good luck on this cycle. I'm sorry you're feeling so out of control.

Melanie said...

I understand what you're saying; the lack of control. Like you, I just don't feel this FET will work. Could be self-preservation because the failed IVF was so devastating or it could just be I want to have control over something. That said, maybe, just maybe, this FET will do the trick. for both of us. I'll be following your journey/

Claire said...

Happy Chinese New Year!! Are your stepkids excited about a new brother or sister? I try to keep my stepsons updated, but not give them too much info to gross them out. If you don't take what they do too seriously, they are entertaining. Such as my 16 year old making tea from pot the other day, telling us it was some exotic tea his teacher gave it to him and it was somekind of school project. He gets an A for boldness!