Well that was.. um.. what's the word I'm looking for.. disturbing, devastating, horrific... yes all of the above. The cramps etc started April 1st [quite fitting really] and the next few days were a horrible mess. I was feeling extremely fragile and just wanted to be left alone, but my parents came to visit and DH couldn't manage to keep the kids away even for just a few days!!
Anyhoo, we are speaking again now. We went away for Easter, just the two of us, and I am starting to feel somewhat sane and in control of my emotions again. I am always amazed at the restorative powers of the sea on the human soul.
I had appt with my Dr yesterday. He was all positive "well you have proven you can do it now" and I was all negative "the only thing this has proven to me is that my body does not like babies". My hormone levels are back down to normal, so Dr and DH are keen to start another cycle when AF next appears. Once bitten, twice shy - I'm still a bit hesitant and wonder if we should wait another month. I'll think about it over the next few weeks...
Thursday, 12 April 2007
Friday, 30 March 2007
IVF Rollercoaster Ride
OMG this IVF rollercoaster ride beats the pants off the Lethal Weapon ride at Movie World on the Gold Coast. All that hanging upside down bizo... ho hum... this IVF ride is far more extreme.
Well, last post was Friday 16th, feeling groovy. Got home about midnight after dinner with friends to find that Aunt Flo had arrived. Cried, went to bed, got up and went to Mums for the weekend. Aunt Flo was with us the whole time. Our 6th failed attempt.
Monday morning went to pregnancy blood test like a good girl even though I knew the answer, rang nurse at appointed time like a good girl even though I knew the answer..... but I had no bloody idea of the answer - BLOOD TEST SAYS I'M PREGNANT! 4 weeks and 2 days. Beta HCG levels 138, Progesterone 40.5. Estimated Due Date 24 November 2007.
Spent ages on the net finding several sites that agree that some women do indeed bleed during early pregnancy and go on to deliver bouncing babes. That night we do a home pregnancy test, DH has to get the torch to see the faint second line, but its there! In the morning the line is darker! DH and I decide that I will be one of those aforementioned fertile goddesses and shock wears off to excitement. I ring and tell my mother the good news.
I have another blood test on Thursday 22nd [they charge me $96 for being cynical - fine, I deserved it]. Still pregnant! Beta HCG levels 434, progesterone 37.2. Doubling at a rate of 1.8 days. Beautiful. Perfect. Organise 6.5 week ultrasound appointment for April 3rd. I cry happy tears - I have waited so long for this. We go out and celebrate.
Woke up Friday morning early with abdominal cramps, small amount of fresh blood but old blood and cramping all day. Ring IVF nurse who says to ring Doctor. Doctor is on holiday [for something completely different] so his nurse says increase progesterone gel and 'wait and see'. Cramps and blood gone by Saturday, breasts sore, hair weirdly oily, hungry... all good signs. Believe we are all back on track. Start discussing life with baby.
Blood test again yesterday, Thursday 29th. Usual IVF nurse is away [!?] another nurse tell me THE NEWS IS NOT GOOD. Beta HCG levels back down to 220, progesterone 72. "Your levels are probably only that high because the progesterone is so [artificially] high. You will probably miscarry naturally when you stop using the gel."
I ring Doctor [still away] his nurse says to keep ultrasound appt for next Tues and Dr appt for Tuesday after Easter. Call if I start to bleed beforehand.
Spend ages on the net finding [two] instances when a pregnancy has come back from this precipice. Find myself thinking there is hope - I will be one of those aforementioned fertile goddesses - but then remember that I am an infertile Evil Stepmonster.....
Up and down, round and round.
Waiting to miscarry.... Wanting to die
Well, last post was Friday 16th, feeling groovy. Got home about midnight after dinner with friends to find that Aunt Flo had arrived. Cried, went to bed, got up and went to Mums for the weekend. Aunt Flo was with us the whole time. Our 6th failed attempt.
Monday morning went to pregnancy blood test like a good girl even though I knew the answer, rang nurse at appointed time like a good girl even though I knew the answer..... but I had no bloody idea of the answer - BLOOD TEST SAYS I'M PREGNANT! 4 weeks and 2 days. Beta HCG levels 138, Progesterone 40.5. Estimated Due Date 24 November 2007.
Spent ages on the net finding several sites that agree that some women do indeed bleed during early pregnancy and go on to deliver bouncing babes. That night we do a home pregnancy test, DH has to get the torch to see the faint second line, but its there! In the morning the line is darker! DH and I decide that I will be one of those aforementioned fertile goddesses and shock wears off to excitement. I ring and tell my mother the good news.
I have another blood test on Thursday 22nd [they charge me $96 for being cynical - fine, I deserved it]. Still pregnant! Beta HCG levels 434, progesterone 37.2. Doubling at a rate of 1.8 days. Beautiful. Perfect. Organise 6.5 week ultrasound appointment for April 3rd. I cry happy tears - I have waited so long for this. We go out and celebrate.
Woke up Friday morning early with abdominal cramps, small amount of fresh blood but old blood and cramping all day. Ring IVF nurse who says to ring Doctor. Doctor is on holiday [for something completely different] so his nurse says increase progesterone gel and 'wait and see'. Cramps and blood gone by Saturday, breasts sore, hair weirdly oily, hungry... all good signs. Believe we are all back on track. Start discussing life with baby.
Blood test again yesterday, Thursday 29th. Usual IVF nurse is away [!?] another nurse tell me THE NEWS IS NOT GOOD. Beta HCG levels back down to 220, progesterone 72. "Your levels are probably only that high because the progesterone is so [artificially] high. You will probably miscarry naturally when you stop using the gel."
I ring Doctor [still away] his nurse says to keep ultrasound appt for next Tues and Dr appt for Tuesday after Easter. Call if I start to bleed beforehand.
Spend ages on the net finding [two] instances when a pregnancy has come back from this precipice. Find myself thinking there is hope - I will be one of those aforementioned fertile goddesses - but then remember that I am an infertile Evil Stepmonster.....
Up and down, round and round.
Waiting to miscarry.... Wanting to die
Friday, 16 March 2007
The Waiting Game
Well we all survived the weekend, not too hard at all really, don't know what evil was worried about. She gets so pent up about these things. Kids were gorgeous - demanding and spoilt, but gorgeous just the same. Tiger won a trophy in golf and now gets to go in a state junior tournament, which is pretty cool. Maybe we could send him professional and use the winnings to pay for my IVF?!
Speaking of; I have no news. Because the EPU was so darn early, the pregnancy test is on Monday and Aunt Flo (period) isn't due until Wednesday. I normally know the answer before I go to the blood test because AF has arrived, but this time I won't. So waiting patiently... or not.
Earlier in the week I was getting a bit excited because this time felt different. I had more ovary pain than ususal, sore nipples, really tired and extra hungry. But now all those symptoms have gone and this morning replaced with bad temper, abdominal crampy feelings and general teariness. So I thought AF was on her way for sure, and early to boot. Crankiness was fairly quickly gone after eating though, so maybe not all is lost just yet.
Went out and bought 4 pregnancy tests the other day - that's how confident I was feeling! Am very tempted to use one tomorrow morning - but it's still a bit too early and after today I'm not sure if I want to know. May be better than finding out while at work though. We'll see...
Speaking of; I have no news. Because the EPU was so darn early, the pregnancy test is on Monday and Aunt Flo (period) isn't due until Wednesday. I normally know the answer before I go to the blood test because AF has arrived, but this time I won't. So waiting patiently... or not.
Earlier in the week I was getting a bit excited because this time felt different. I had more ovary pain than ususal, sore nipples, really tired and extra hungry. But now all those symptoms have gone and this morning replaced with bad temper, abdominal crampy feelings and general teariness. So I thought AF was on her way for sure, and early to boot. Crankiness was fairly quickly gone after eating though, so maybe not all is lost just yet.
Went out and bought 4 pregnancy tests the other day - that's how confident I was feeling! Am very tempted to use one tomorrow morning - but it's still a bit too early and after today I'm not sure if I want to know. May be better than finding out while at work though. We'll see...
Friday, 9 March 2007
Q. Is it bad form for a stepmother trying-desperately-to-be-a-real-mother to hide in her bedroom all weekend?
I am currently mid-IVF cycle - we had an Egg Pick-Up last Saturday morning and Embyro Transfer on Tuesday. I have been trying to keep calm so that everything is soft and loving and quiet and our little embryos will want to stick around for another 39 weeks.
Darling Husband has named them Hope and Happiness, I know, what a gorgeous and sensitive man I have. Na-a. I was just a little upset because we had been hoping to grow our bubs to 5-day-old Blastocycts but I didn't produce enough eggs, because they made me go to pick-up too damn early - on day 11 instead of day 14. I know, what the...? Anyway, they only collected 6 eggs of which 3 fertilised and 2 survived 48 hours. So we were booked in for transfer with a 2-cell and a 4-cell, which sounded very sad indeed. So DH decided that I needed an attitude adjustment and he didn't want twins named Frustration and Bitterness, especially if they were girls - OMG could you image the teenage years?!
But DH obviously took exception to my tranquil sloth-like state and saw fit to cancel his plans to take the kids away this weekend. I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to that - me and SuperCat and ScaredyCat, the couch, movies, chocolate, pizza, copious cups of de-caffeinated tea (well I'd have to do something good!). No kids, no husband, no cooking, no mess - ahhh bliss....
Instead, I now have to look forward to the kids for about the 6th weekend in a row and for 3 nights!! One has been away on a school camp, so will be hoarse, tired and cranky - join the queue kid. And the other two will be at each others throats as usual. So my vision of lying on the couch watching movies and growing embryos is now punctuated by f-off no you f-off (such lovely manners they will pass on to my babies).
One false move kids - one iota of stress you cause me and my dividing embryos, one fight, one tantrum, one overly-demanding request, one jack-ass stunt in my lounge room that goes wrong and breaks something - then thats it! All hell will break loose and evil stepmonster will open a can of whoopass on your butt.
Either that or I might just slink over to my mother's house without anyone noticing....
I am currently mid-IVF cycle - we had an Egg Pick-Up last Saturday morning and Embyro Transfer on Tuesday. I have been trying to keep calm so that everything is soft and loving and quiet and our little embryos will want to stick around for another 39 weeks.
Darling Husband has named them Hope and Happiness, I know, what a gorgeous and sensitive man I have. Na-a. I was just a little upset because we had been hoping to grow our bubs to 5-day-old Blastocycts but I didn't produce enough eggs, because they made me go to pick-up too damn early - on day 11 instead of day 14. I know, what the...? Anyway, they only collected 6 eggs of which 3 fertilised and 2 survived 48 hours. So we were booked in for transfer with a 2-cell and a 4-cell, which sounded very sad indeed. So DH decided that I needed an attitude adjustment and he didn't want twins named Frustration and Bitterness, especially if they were girls - OMG could you image the teenage years?!
But DH obviously took exception to my tranquil sloth-like state and saw fit to cancel his plans to take the kids away this weekend. I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to that - me and SuperCat and ScaredyCat, the couch, movies, chocolate, pizza, copious cups of de-caffeinated tea (well I'd have to do something good!). No kids, no husband, no cooking, no mess - ahhh bliss....
Instead, I now have to look forward to the kids for about the 6th weekend in a row and for 3 nights!! One has been away on a school camp, so will be hoarse, tired and cranky - join the queue kid. And the other two will be at each others throats as usual. So my vision of lying on the couch watching movies and growing embryos is now punctuated by f-off no you f-off (such lovely manners they will pass on to my babies).
One false move kids - one iota of stress you cause me and my dividing embryos, one fight, one tantrum, one overly-demanding request, one jack-ass stunt in my lounge room that goes wrong and breaks something - then thats it! All hell will break loose and evil stepmonster will open a can of whoopass on your butt.
Either that or I might just slink over to my mother's house without anyone noticing....
Tuesday, 13 February 2007
My IVF History
I guess it's a reflection of my perception of motherhood, that when people ask 'do you have children?' I answer 'no', even though I have 3 step-children. If I ever do fall pregnant, everyone will be shocked because I have always acted so nonchalant about having my own. Behind the cool exterior is a world of pain [last 3 words said in a loud echoey voice a la Richard Stubbs on Melbourne 774 radio].
I first knew that there was a problem around 1994, when I first actively tried to get pregnant. Gave up for a few years then tried again around 1997-99, still no luck and husband-number-one was not interested in finding out why. Got divorced, and everyone said things like 'well at least you didn't have children' or 'you didn't fall because he wasn't the right man for you', both very comforting.....
Met my soulmate, husband-number-two, around 2002 and started trying immediately. In 2003 we went and had all the lovely fertility tests. Now I'm sure the main purpose of these tests is to desensitise you for the IVF process, I mean there is no room for modesty once you're on that road. Lets start with the hysterosalpingogram [where they push a catheter through the cervix into the uterus and spray dye up into the fallopian tubes, if the cervix thing didn't hurt the dye trying to make its way out of the body sure did]. Or the lovely 'dildo cam' - I have lost count how many times I have enjoyed that piece of equipment. And yeah ok, there's nothing glam about spitting into a jar in a room full of old K-Mart bra catalogues either - but at least no one was watching him. Anyhoo, nothing wrong, try another 12 months.
In 2005, we endured three GIFT procedures, all negative outcomes. On the first one my got-something-to-prove ovaries reacted strongly to the drugs that stimulate multiple egg growth and produced 24 of the slimy suckers. Great, except that left me with Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. With GIFT they stimulate the ovaries the same as IVF, but instead of fertilising them into embryos in a lab, they just slosh a couple of the eggs and the sperm together and put them back into a fallopian tube to work it out on their own. Sounds simple but apparently this takes several hours, requires three incisions and a abdominal cavity full of gas which hurts like hell on the way out [preferred route seems to be the shoulder?!]
If anyone tries to tell you that GIFT is less invasive than IVF - do not believe them! IVF egg collection was a relief, no incisions, no gas, no pain.... yea. Still no baby, but a diagnosis of sorts Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome [PCOS]. It means that cycsts on my rebellious ovaries muck up my body's natural hormonal messages and prevent me from ovulating normally, I think, but don't quote me. My Dr keeps going on about how the new medication must be helping my irregular periods, facial hair and obesity - none of which I suffer from?!
We did our first full IVF stimulated cycle last year, a Frozen Embryo Transfer in January and are on to our 2nd stim cycle [at Aus$3,700 a pop, we hope we won't need another].
I first knew that there was a problem around 1994, when I first actively tried to get pregnant. Gave up for a few years then tried again around 1997-99, still no luck and husband-number-one was not interested in finding out why. Got divorced, and everyone said things like 'well at least you didn't have children' or 'you didn't fall because he wasn't the right man for you', both very comforting.....
Met my soulmate, husband-number-two, around 2002 and started trying immediately. In 2003 we went and had all the lovely fertility tests. Now I'm sure the main purpose of these tests is to desensitise you for the IVF process, I mean there is no room for modesty once you're on that road. Lets start with the hysterosalpingogram [where they push a catheter through the cervix into the uterus and spray dye up into the fallopian tubes, if the cervix thing didn't hurt the dye trying to make its way out of the body sure did]. Or the lovely 'dildo cam' - I have lost count how many times I have enjoyed that piece of equipment. And yeah ok, there's nothing glam about spitting into a jar in a room full of old K-Mart bra catalogues either - but at least no one was watching him. Anyhoo, nothing wrong, try another 12 months.
In 2005, we endured three GIFT procedures, all negative outcomes. On the first one my got-something-to-prove ovaries reacted strongly to the drugs that stimulate multiple egg growth and produced 24 of the slimy suckers. Great, except that left me with Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. With GIFT they stimulate the ovaries the same as IVF, but instead of fertilising them into embryos in a lab, they just slosh a couple of the eggs and the sperm together and put them back into a fallopian tube to work it out on their own. Sounds simple but apparently this takes several hours, requires three incisions and a abdominal cavity full of gas which hurts like hell on the way out [preferred route seems to be the shoulder?!]
If anyone tries to tell you that GIFT is less invasive than IVF - do not believe them! IVF egg collection was a relief, no incisions, no gas, no pain.... yea. Still no baby, but a diagnosis of sorts Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome [PCOS]. It means that cycsts on my rebellious ovaries muck up my body's natural hormonal messages and prevent me from ovulating normally, I think, but don't quote me. My Dr keeps going on about how the new medication must be helping my irregular periods, facial hair and obesity - none of which I suffer from?!
We did our first full IVF stimulated cycle last year, a Frozen Embryo Transfer in January and are on to our 2nd stim cycle [at Aus$3,700 a pop, we hope we won't need another].
Introduction to the evil stepmonster
I think that my step-children are joking when they call me evil. But then people have called me deluded before.
Most of the time I am really very nice to them. I just shrug when they won't eat my food because "it's not the same as Mum's", and I very politely suggest they wait until the time comes when they tell me "Mum says I can finish school at the end of Year 9" (aged 15 for non-aussies). I bite my tongue when the evil stepmonster wants to yell obscenities about what an un-medicated psychopathic banshee of questionable intelligence their mother is, and if they don't eat their dinner it will be forced into them during the night!
At night I dream of all the things the evil stepmonster would do and say if she could only get away with it. My husband [a kind-hearted soul whom I adore and could not live without] loves those little buggers to death and doesn't like to rock the boat with the ex-wife [because she is a PSYCHO and takes it out on the kids!]. So if I was evil all the time, despite what he says, I would lose the battle. But evil will not be completely silenced.
Someone once told me that if you are thinking of opening a Bed & Breakfast, you should first invite your most annoying and demanding relative to stay for a month and try waiting on them hand and foot whilst smiling sweetly and pointing out the areas many tourist attractions. One might also wish to try a test like this before embarking on the role of step-parent. It would go something like this; find an angry child who shows an obvious dislike to you [teenagers would be especially good for this purpose] and lock yourself in a confined space with them for a week.
But seriously, I adore them, I do, but I could wring their scrawny necks and most of the time I like that they don't live with us full time. On the other hand the less time they are with us the more time they have to spend with the screaming banshee that is biologically their mother [and as thus far more superior in species to that of their father in the eyes of the Australian Family Court - but lets not go there just yet].
Most of the time I am really very nice to them. I just shrug when they won't eat my food because "it's not the same as Mum's", and I very politely suggest they wait until the time comes when they tell me "Mum says I can finish school at the end of Year 9" (aged 15 for non-aussies). I bite my tongue when the evil stepmonster wants to yell obscenities about what an un-medicated psychopathic banshee of questionable intelligence their mother is, and if they don't eat their dinner it will be forced into them during the night!
At night I dream of all the things the evil stepmonster would do and say if she could only get away with it. My husband [a kind-hearted soul whom I adore and could not live without] loves those little buggers to death and doesn't like to rock the boat with the ex-wife [because she is a PSYCHO and takes it out on the kids!]. So if I was evil all the time, despite what he says, I would lose the battle. But evil will not be completely silenced.
Someone once told me that if you are thinking of opening a Bed & Breakfast, you should first invite your most annoying and demanding relative to stay for a month and try waiting on them hand and foot whilst smiling sweetly and pointing out the areas many tourist attractions. One might also wish to try a test like this before embarking on the role of step-parent. It would go something like this; find an angry child who shows an obvious dislike to you [teenagers would be especially good for this purpose] and lock yourself in a confined space with them for a week.
But seriously, I adore them, I do, but I could wring their scrawny necks and most of the time I like that they don't live with us full time. On the other hand the less time they are with us the more time they have to spend with the screaming banshee that is biologically their mother [and as thus far more superior in species to that of their father in the eyes of the Australian Family Court - but lets not go there just yet].
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