Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Cancer Schmancer

Hello. My name is Louise.

I have cancer.


Fuck it.

I noticed some swelling in my armpit about 3 weeks ago but didn't think much of it. I knew I had a breast screen appointment on January 27th so I thought I'd mention it then. By then it felt like a hard lump, maybe a bit smaller than a golf ball. The breast specialist scheduled another ultrasound and a needle biopsy of my lymph nodes for February 9th. Two days later the lymph node(s) was the size of a tennis ball and a huge lump had appeared under my collar bone. I rang the specialist again and she did the needle biopsy herself yesterday morning. The results came back as "Atypical", so I had a core biopsy yesterday afternoon to get a bigger tissue sample. She rang with the results today. Cancer. Melanoma. The pathologist checked twice.

We don't have a lot of information yet, but par for the course with me there is a kicker. The kicker is that the cancer in my lymph nodes is a secondary cancer and we don't know where the primary cancer is. And therefore how advanced it is.

I am booked in for some scary bloody radioactive body scan on Friday to help find the sucker. Then hopefully next week I will have surgery again to cut it out and remove the lymph nodes.

I can't get the image of ugly black cancer cells multiplying in my armpit out of my head.

The speed at which this thing appeared scares the fuck out of me.

The fact that I have a six month old daughter scares the fuck out of me.

I want to be there when she gets married, I want to be there when she has a baby of her own.

Infertility kicked my arse but did not beat me. Cancer will not beat me.


SassyCupcakes said...

Fuck. That's so scary. I hope you can find the fucker asap and get this crap out of your body quickly and without too much pain. *hug*

Wordgirl said...

Oh Louise.

Fuck is right.

I am right here with you, reading along. I wish I could do more than just send you my thoughts and love --

Lots of love Louise, LOTS...



Melanie said...

Louise, I hate that this is happening and I hate that you're in the not knowing stage. I'm going to be thinking of you and plugging along with you. Fuck cancer.

OHN said...

SHIT! I was a lurker when you were going through all the IVF stuff....now this????

See as many doctors and get as many opinions as you need to feel well versed.

Vee said...

I am in shock. Fuckin' cancer. I am so sorry for your news. Sending you strength and hugs to get through this as best you can.

Sue said...

Crap! I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs in the wake of this awful news.

Stacie said...

Louise! I am wrapping you in my arms and giving you a great big virtual hug!

You are right. Fuck cancer. Cancer WILL NOT beat you. Nope. Nope. Nope. It will not. You are so, so strong.

I will be right here with loads of love and support. Much love today and always.

Anonymous said...

Why does this stuff always happen to the smartest, sweetest, coolest people around? I have a friend who just went through a similar crisis. Not fair. Sending all my good vibes across the Pacific for a successful surgery and quick recovery.

Mer said...

De-lurking to wish you the best and to say you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Glenda said...


Bugger I am so sorry. Our journey has been very similar (6 IVF's, 3 chemicals, got preganant about a montha fter you and had daughter in September) I have two teenage step-kids who live with us,live in Melbourne, love to read etc). Anyway, my mom had cancer, its shitty and scary and you don't deserve it. I know you don't know me but if you need anything, anything at all, please ask (0406683099). Please.
I don't know your faith but I pray God is kind to you and your family.

wifey said...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Hoping everything turns out not-so-bad for you.


Anonymous said...

what the FUCK?????

No way!!! it sounds horrific...

I am so sorry.


edenland said...

Oh mate, that's bullshit.

SHIT. The shock of it, man. Sucks. I hope you are ok .... the waiting to see how bad it is and what treatment to take ... the waiting before that is the absolute WORST.

I promise, once you get a treatment plan and the shock wears off, it's ok. Your title is true - cancer shmancer. It's so bloody common.

Feeling for you sweetheart. Hope that hubby is hugging you tight.


Geohde said...

Oh Shit oh Shit oh SHit.

I lurk, do not comment often.

As a medico with a family history of melanoma who knows too many sad things, I am absolutely horrified to read this.

Thinking of you,


Soapchick said...

Here from L&F. I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis, it totally sucks. While you are on your info gathering quest - pick up the book by Charlotte Gerson on the Gerson therapy. I have 2 friends who are living with cancer (breast cancer, and sinus/brain stem cancer) while on some variation of the Gerson therapy. One was told he would die if he didn't continue chemo - well he's alive 3 years later with the Gerson Therapy and also the Johanna Budwig diet. Many hugs to you.

Journeywoman said...

Here from the LFCA.

I hope you find the bastard and get it out!

Sunny said...

I'm here from LFCA. I am so sorry about your diagnosis. My amazing MIL is currently fighting breast cancer, it seems to strike the best of us. Wishing you strength for this journey and all the luck in the world.

Leah said...

I will pray for you. You will beat this.

Cibele said...

Here from L&F. I am so sorry. You can beat this! HUGS

Jem said...

Found you through LFCA. I too was diagnosed with melanoma, in 2000. Scared the pants off me. I had an irregular mole on my right shoulder that the dermatologist excised. Luckily the cancer was slow growing and shallow and has not come back. It did not spread to my lymph nodes. I wish I had words of wisdom to send you, but I can give you a virtual hug and tell you that you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Here from LCFA - Just wanted to lend a shoulder of support. I'll be saying extra prayers of healing for you.

Anonymous said...

Damn you cancer Damn You. I am so sorry and sending you lots of prayers for your road ahead.

Chickenpig said...

Hello. I'm here from LFCA. I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer. I just wanted to say that my mom also had melanoma. It started out as a large mole on her leg, and it had spread to all the lymph nodes in that leg. Her doctors removed the mole and all the lymph nodes and underwent some pretty low level chemo and she is more than 5 years cancer free now. (knock on wood). Make sure you go to a good hospital/cancer center, and have a dermatologist do a full body scan, don't forget under your hair! Don't panic. Just like infertility, cancer can be beaten. All my best wishes for an easy recovery.

AussieJenn said...

OMG That is terrible. I am so sorry to read of this Louise. So very sorry.
I can't imagine how your mind is whirring right now. So very scary.

I do hope you have found yourself a really good specialist and are being taken care of immediately.

I really am so very sorry.

Hugs to your and your precious baby girl.

Orodemniades said...

Fuck me - I hope to read good news and soon on the location of the primary.

rebecca said...

Wow, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now, I can't imagine what feelings you're experiencing right now. Life is so unfair at times. I hope they find the primary to be a small easily removable little bastard & that will be the end of it for you.

Another Julia said...

I hate cancer. You're going to kick its arse...because failure is not an option. That was my mantra when my son was diagnosed with leukemia as a toddler. (IVF/ICSI baby...talk about unfair to the nth power). He's nearly seven now, and cancer-free. I wish the same good outcome for you.

battynurse said...

Coming over from Eden's blog. I'm so sorry. Cancer sucks, I hate it. Sending many healing wishes your way that you will be there at her wedding and for many other events in life.