Life goes on

I have just attended a Fertility Society of Australia conference in Hobart this past week wearing my user group hat. Unfortunately I feel slightly jaded for the experience, confused and a bit despondent. Confused because the conference content was so scientific I rarely knew what the f*#k they were talking about, and despondent because when I did it wasn't what I wanted to hear. When you hold a conference for IVF specialist doctors, scientists, embryologists, counsellors etc you don't expect patients to turn up, and when they talk openly about women with my diagnosis and my age they don't talk as positively as they do when you're standing in front of them with hope in your eyes and a big fat cheque in your hand.

I guess one good thing to come out of it is that it's started a conversation between DH and I about what lengths we will go to to have a baby and how much longer we will continue with IVF. DH came to Hobart with me, the gorgeous supportive fella he is, but did not attend the seminars. I must admit that his presence back in the room was distracting when some science nerd was droning on about the results of some study involving monkey sperm or mouse oocytes. There was a bit of wagging and much missed afternoon sex-just-for-the-fun-of-it going on - felt like Uni days again! Not really a holiday for us but a nice break all the same.

Tonight is Batman's (oldest SS) Debutante Ball! Bound to be a blast! Naturally the Evil Stepmother has been relegated to a table in the corner with people she has never met, and will be totally ignored by all three kids lest their mother see them. Not to be outdone - she will be wearing a bright red dress with a plunging neckline and will laugh and smile like she is having a fabulous time, even though she would rather be having a wisdom tooth extraction....

My body hates me...

One week down

Only 6 more sleeps til judgement day!

Now that my ovaries have returned to a more comfortable still-swollen-but-not-constantly-aching state, I have nothing to report. I have a headache - but I always have a headache. No other symptoms what so ever. None. Breasts are neither sore nor enlarged. No pelvic cramping. No dizziness. No nausea. No 'gut feeling'. No feelings at all. Is this good or bad? I have no idea.

All of IVF is hard, but this waiting time is one of the hardest.

Embie on board!

Well, blow me down with a feather - it survived!

After a ridiculous wait at the hospital on Monday we met with the embryologist [Felix - definitely a name for the list] who told us that our one embryo was at 6 cells - 'progressing at an acceptable rate'. When we went into theatre for the transfer he announced that the embie had grown and was now an 8 cell. Loving that number 8!

We asked a heap of questions about the 'sperm binding' thing. We got a few answers on the 'what' side - it is the stuff that binds the egg and sperm together to allow fertilisation to take place; it was missing from most of the eggs; and ICSI may have overcome it. But they couldn't really give us much on the 'why' except that it was more likely to have been an egg problem rather than a sperm problem. 2 of the eggs were immature, 5 looked ok, and one was good - yea that was the one that fertilised.

So now on with the 2 week wait. This ride sure is a roller- coaster. Preg test September 3rd.

Lucky 8 update #2

Yesterday was egg collection day. 8 eggs were collected, 3 from the right and 5 from the left ovary. The Dr must have scooped them out with a spoon, because I had more blood and pain than any of my other IVF procedures.

Today I received a phone call from the clinic to say that there was "no sperm binding" so only one egg had fertilised. I'm sorry, once more in English please.... According to the indisputable higher wisdom of answers.com i think sperm binding refers to a protein that coats the egg and allows the egg and sperm to bind together.

This leads me to believe that my eggs are duds, which leads me to believe that I have reached the point of "too old" and that there is no hope and that I should just kill myself now and be done with it.

I am booked in for embryo transfer on Monday, assuming that the one that managed to fertilise will manage to still be alive on Monday. Last cycle, out of 9 embyros, only about 4 lived to day 3. So don't hold your breath.

Overall an incredibly sad, crap, and glass-half-empty kind of a day....

Lucky 8 update #1

So far, so good...

FannyCam yesterday showed about 10-12 follies each side and maybe 6-8 over 10mm. Tonight I start the antagonist injections which I am worried about - everyone says the needles are blunt as and hurt like hell. Oh, this part is just so much fun. Grumpy and headachy today too which sucks, but all the kids are out til late afternoon so might just have to have a little nanna nap soon...

Back for more FannyCam action Monday, but at this stage it looks like egg retrieval will be Wed or Thurs. I am having coffee with a woman I met on an IVF support internet forum on Monday which will be interesting - so much dumb shit going on there lately you wouldn't believe it. Also drama aplenty with DH's ex [the psycho Screaming Banshee] - I would tell you about it but I am trying to ignore it and focus on being a relaxed and healthy broody hen. Its all about ME ME ME!!!! [definitely been spending far too much time on that damn forum lately]

Lucky Number 8 ?

We have started a new IVF cycle this week, which is attempt number 8. Desperately hoping that cycle number 8 in the 8th month will be a good omen for us. Trying a new protocol this time called Antagonist. Instead of having to down-regulate the hormones with Synarel nasel spray, we start straight away on Puregon injections to stimulate the ovaries then about day 7 or 8 start other injections to prevent ovulation. Goodie, more dart practice for DH!