Empty Uterus

The hyster.oscopy wasn't as bad as I expected. I am recovering quite well with a heat pack and ibopro.fen. No fibroids or polyps were found which is good, but still leaves us in the dark about what the hell is wrong. I have to wait until next week to have my blood taken and then meet again with Dr No in a couple of weeks to discuss the endometrial biopsy results. I hope there is a treatable answer in their somewhere.

Trading blows with Doctor No

My Doctor is away for a couple of months and planning on retiring soon, so last night I met the Doctor who is taking over the practice. Camp as a row of tents but very blunt and to the point. The first thing he said was a comment on how big my file is. When I asked why we seem to be having trouble with implantation his first answer was "the biggest factor would be maternal age". Ouch. Nice right hook you have there mister.

I asked if we needed to look at my estrogen levels (no, they're fine), immune testing (no, don't trust the science) and PGD testing (no, waste of money). I forgot to ask about assisted hatching, but my guess is that he wouldn't like that either. Poor DH and the medical student just whistled and studied the ceiling while I threw all my DrGoogle questions at the Doctor and he hurled his blunt answers back at my head. They must hate patients who do their own research.

So our new plan of attack starts with more bloodwork and a investigative hystero.scopy and D&C. Tomorrow!

I'm scared. I hate the gas they fill you with during these things and all the feedback I've heard about this new Doctor is that he is very thorough and so his procedures are extra painful. I'm pretty sure, after all the procedures I've had in the last few years, if there was anything to find it would have been found already. But at this point I'm just happy that he's willing to cover all the bases with me, and if we rule everything else out and just leave "maternal age" then maybe I'll be more willing to accept that its time to stop.

Weekend Fallout

It's official. I have become my worst nightmare!

I went to a friend's place on Friday night, for a cocktail party where a dull woman undersold the many merits of very expensive plasticware. There was about a dozen women all known to my friend through their children's school, then myself and another friend. I should have known. I shouldn't have gone in the first place. The conversation was all babies and children. I was coping, barely, until a woman near me started to talk about how her 6 month old was born despite her husband having had a vasectomy. The other women huddled around, including my two friends, making comments like "oh you poor thing", "you should sue" and "if I fell pregnant again I would just die". And then it happened... I started crying and had to leave the room. I hid in a bedroom, and the tears just wouldn't stop.

K1 and K2 are my closest friends and we have known each other for 15+ years. They are the only friends who know that DH and I are doing IVF. Both of them are Social Workers, but their reactions couldn't have been more different. K2 came looking for me and apologised for her insensitivity, she said she hadn't put herself in my shoes before and it only just occurred to her that moments like that might be hard for me. She sat and talked with me while I cried. K1, the host of the party, was immensely pissed off and kept coming into the room looking for things then going out again leaving the door wide open. I don't know if she was jealous that K2 and I were doing something without her or if she was just uncomfortable with the open display of emotions. I didn't bother to ask. The next morning we went out for breakfast and K1 announced that we should go to Phu.ket for a week early next year, in celebration of us all turning 40, and because "its the first time in 10 years that none of us are pregnant or breastfeeding".

Does everyone else have trouble maintaining friendships IRL? Should I try to explain things, ask for more support and sensitivity from them, or just let it go? Its so hard. I wouldn't cope at all if it wasn't for my soul mate, my darling husband. And you guys are just brilliant, you always comment with love and are a great support to me, even when you are having a tough time yourselves. Yet my RL friends won't even ring me in the next few weeks to check if I'm ok. Perhaps I am too high maintenance for them now?

How quickly we fall

11dp5dt - beta 27 , progesterone 300
16dp5dt - beta 0 , progesterone 6

Fuck. Fuckitty. Fuck. Fuck.

Purgatory

Purgatory (pronunciation: per ga tawr-ee)

• any condition or place of temporary punishment, suffering, expiation, or the like.

What to feel? What to think? What is happening? I wish I knew.

To be honest, I am finding it hard to think of anything else. I am feeling sensitive breasts with sometimes sore and tingly nipples, off and on cramps, stitches in my side, sore lower back, not quite nauseous but light-headed and weirdly cranky if I don't eat regularly. I. Feel. Pregnant. And then it all stops and I feel 'normal' again. And then the symptoms start up again....

I POAS on Friday and saw a faint line. I POAS this morning (different brand) and saw nothing.

Surely a tiny amount of hCG cannot wreak this much havoc? It must be in cahoots with the progesterone gel just to mind-f*ck me. Could my symptoms purely be from the progesterone? Has anyone has this before? How did it end? Honestly.

I got my dates all messed up - AF is due Tuesday the 13th and 2nd Beta is Wednesday 14th. When all/more will be revealed. Being a realist, I am expecting the beta to back to 0, praying it's not ectopic, but secretly hoping for a story like this. Can I please? Huh? Can I? Huh Huh? Please Can I?




PS: Whilst trying to keep myself occupied over the 2ww, I have been neglecting my blogging duties. I have been trying to keep up with you all but have failed miserably in the commenting department. I will do better this week.

Cycle #11 Results

It's a BIG. FAT. WTF!!!!

My beta is low, too low to be considered a BFP, but not low enough to be entirely written off either. My Progesterone levels are very good.

"INCONCLUSIVE" is my clinic's new scientific term of the day.

I am disappointed, despondent but not defeated. The lovely Morrisa and I had our transfers on the same day, and her BT is not until Monday. She thinks her test is too late, and I think mine was too early. My AF is not even due until next Wednesday. I test again on the 13th, which my nurse calculated as 5 weeks but will in fact be exactly 4 weeks.

I am hoping for a miracle but not expecting one.

Almost crunch time

Blood test is tomorrow! My head (and body) has been all over the place the last few days. I really have no idea what to expect. I hate going into these things blind. What the fuck will I do if its negative? We had 2 text-book blasties this time, if they won't stick is there really anything else to try? Any logical reason to put myself through this again?

The only thing I am looking forward to about tomorrow is regaining some sanity. So, for that reason alone, bring it on.