POAS

Yesterday I started spotting.
Today it's almost full flow.
A week early, same as last time.
So I pissed on a stick.
One line laughed back at me.

6 more sleeps...

7 days since transfer.
Blood test next Monday.
How early can I POAS?
Should I POAS?

Had a monster, almost-migraine-like headache and nausea [probably pain related] yesterday, and woke with a sore throat and snotty head this morning.

Have had really low and almost constant period-like cramps since transfer. Yeah, I know, possible side effect of the progesterone gel.

Nipples have been quite sore, on and off, but seem to be becoming less so over the last few days. Another possible side effect of the gel, or even Pre.gnyl still loitering in my system?

I'm so confused.
I hate this waiting.

Tirade

Letter to the pregnant women standing next to me at the music festival on the weekend.

This was going to be a tirade, but I didn't want to sound like a sanctimonious git, so I have reflected on my thoughts a day or two and found that under my initial anger and disbelief my true feelings lay here...

I don't hold it against you that you stood next to me with your large, perfectly round pregnant belly. You could not have known that I was in the hell that is the dreaded 2-week-wait.

I don't hold it against you for making eye contact and smiling at me as you apologised for bumping me with your bump. You could not have known that the day was the due date of the baby I miscarried earlier this year.

Nor, do I hold against you the cans of beer you chose to feed to your unborn child. Our mothers may say their doctors advised that a couple of drinks a week would not harm the baby and could help them sleep.

I don't even hold against you that fact that you continued to stand next to your friends while they smoked joint after joint. Perhaps you are unaware of the effects [even passively ingested] of this drug on the developing fetus.

I do not envy you your pregnancy. What i do envy though is your innocence. Your pure, unadulterated confidence that no matter what you do, you will carry your pregnancy to full term and you will give birth to a perfect, healthy baby. Infertility has stolen that from me and my friends, and I wish we could get it back.

Cycle 9 - Update #2

We have a Blasty on Board!

At transfer, all embies were still going and they were watching 2 for freezing on Day 6.

The empathy-free Nurse told me that all 4 embryo's were A grade. I have no idea what this means exactly, but she has never mentioned any grades before so I am hoping that the extra Pre.gnyl helped and this lot of eggs were much better quality.

But, as we all know this means Sweet FA when it comes down to implantation.

This one is called Billie the Blasty. Please stay Billie, we will give you the best life you could ever imagine!

Egg Pick Up

Had my EPU on Friday with 4 eggs collected. WE did ICSI this time and all 4 fertilised, they will try to grow them to blasty so transfer should be Wednesday. I will find out tomorrow for sure. We are only putting one back so hopefully there may be at least one to freeze.

My clinic does the full general anesthetic during EPU, but I became aware during the op which was really weird. I couldn't see but I could hear people talking and hear myself groaning and wondered why they couldn't hear me. I wasn't aware of any other part of my body, but I could feel the needle [or whatever they use] piercing the wall of the vagina, I felt this about three times and it hurt so bad that when I properly came to in the recovery room I was crying. I told the doc and she told the anesthetist who said it is quite common because the level of sedation is so light.

Anyway, after I had a cuppa and a cold, tasteless sandwich they said I could get up to get dressed. Well when I stood up, a bucket load of bright red blood absolutely gushed down my legs and all over the floor. It was freaky. I felt fine, but had to stay there for another hour to make sure it was just 'pooled blood' and not an actual bleed. All in all, a very strange day!

Yesterday, I met up with a group of IVFers from my clinic and met some really interesting people. There was about 10-12 couples of varying shapes and sizes and ages. One woman was 49 [but looked nothing like it] and was having all sorts of trouble with her egg donor now wanting to be 'reimbursed' [which is illegal in this state]. Sadly, I was one of the veterans. And of course there is always the one who fell pg first time with her one and only embryo. Lucky bee-atch. But she was gorgeous too. Naturally the women chatted away like chimps immediately, but it took the guys a bit longer to warm up. I normally shy away from networking type events [way outside my comfort zone] but I'm glad I went.

Grow little embies, grow, grow, grow!

Cycle 9 - Update #1

Today is CD10

I went in for a blood test and fanny-cam yesterday. The Sonographer did not say a word the entire time which was a bit unnerving - I kept trying to look for things on the screen that shouldn't be there in case she was seeing something she didn't want to tell me. As far as I could tell, the u/s showed lots of follies [but that means nothing as I have PCOS] but there were a couple of good sized ones too.

When the nurse rang, she said I was doing well and EPU will be this Friday, which will be CD12, which sounds awfully early to me. Each cycle I am disappointed by the number of eggs I produce, I know that my Doc prefers a small number of eggs, and so the drug doses and treatment plan he puts me on is all geared towards this. I know this, but I am still disappointed - why is it so hard for me to adjust my expectations about this? Anyway, I just have to hope that my few precious eggs are especially good ones.

Due to the disastrous sperm-binding incident of cycle #8, we are doing ICSI [sperm injection] this time. DH has been taking handfuls of vitamins every day for the last few months to build up his swimmers, and now we are just going to pick out half-a-dozen or so Ian Thorpe and Michael Phelps look-alikes, and the rest will be discarded. Quite a waste really.

I always find it amazing, even though I am now a certified cynic after so many failed attempts, that a little bit of excitement and hope starts to creep in about now....

And the Angels said... Just Relax

I went to see my Chiropractor the other day, and noticed that he had a pack of those Angel cards in the waiting room. You know the ones sort of like Tarot Cards; you think of a question then pick a card which is supposed to be some Divine Being answering your question. You also know what my question was. The first card said something about having faith in your own abilities, blah, blah, blah, you just need to relax! WTF! I hate being told that!

So incensed was I that I put the card back and picked another. I asked the same question. The second card said that one shouldn't wish for unattainable things, that one should just relax and let the universe bring you what you need, or some such nonsense. Then [oh no it's not over yet my friend] my usual chiropractor was not in and the woman I saw asked lots of questions about what I was doing to reduce my stress levels! Not only did this piss me off further but now I had the horrid word 'unattainable' filling my head. Well, yes ok I am stressed now..! Can I go back to my first card?

I know stress; stress and I go way back. I have experienced stress; the kind of stress that keeps you awake all night in a cold sweat with your pulse racing, causes you to lose a lot of weight really fast even though you're comfort eating like a fool and makes your body stop menstruating for six months. These days I might notice that my jaw is tensed or that I am holding my body in a tense way at times, and have a knot-in-my-stomach anxious feeling, but this is not unusual. Show me a woman doing IVF who is not stressed... even a pregnant one! Impossible, right? So stop telling me to just relax and I'll be fine...

Cycle Number Nine

And they're off and racing on cycle number 9.

Today is CD3. I started sniffing Syn.arel yesterday and begin with the Pure.gon injections tonight. Not sure what this protocol is called but it's a short boost cycle with a small dose of hCG every second day. The extra hCG is hopefully meant to improve egg quality.

Fingers, toes, eyes, legs and fallopian tubes crossed!!

Went to a Melbourne Cup party yesterday, met some lovely people, drank some expensive champagne, had lots of laughs. DH's friend's have an absolutely gorgeous house and are known for throwing a great party [usually fancy dress of some description - luckily yesterday was just racewear + hat]. They had the usual sweepstakes and bets were made on every race, but all proceeds went to a local family [boys aged 3 and 1] whose mother had recently died of cancer. No denying it was a great cause and a lovely thing to do, but it just struck me as being very Oprah....

I am reading OvaGirl's book, and she mentions the loss of innocence that happens for infertile people and the cynicism that kicks in. Yep absolutely agree. Sad but so true...