Enter at your own risk

Be warned: following is a long, rambling, possibly incoherent post by an emotionally fragile middle-aged woman struggling to cope with the shitty cards life has dealt her, most recently two biochemical pregnancies in a goddamn row. Oh, and it will probably contain several swear words.

We met with Dr No the other night, and while he had no answers he was excited that we'd gotten so close. I expected all doom and gloom and 'you should be considering donor eggs', etc, and so burst into tears almost as soon as I sat down. Damn stupid emotions. But instead he said he was pleased with my egg quality and fertilisation rates and recommended that we try again. He said he didn't consider me old, or unhealthy, or obese (come to Australia WordGirl, we might well be the fattest nation but we live happily in denial!). While I admit to being the heaviest I have ever been, I have tried IVF 10kg lighter and had no joy then either so I don't really think weight makes any difference.

It's so frustrating to not know why IVF isn't working. All of the tests are clear, and for all intents and purposes I am perfectly 'normal'. My eggs and embyro's look okay but obviously just turn to shit after blastocyst stage. Or maybe I just have the womb of doom, which kills anything that even attempts to implant. Either way, it completely and utterly sucks.

I have become aware in the last six months that IVF has overtaken my life. I live, breathe and sleep TTC and IVF. While I am not yet willing to give up blogging, I am attempting to reclaim my life in all other areas. I have gone back to work full time, resigned from the IVF support group, and even spilled the beans to my brothers. Sadly I think this is my way of preparing to stop the TTC battle. My life has been in a holding pattern for too long now, it can't continue. I am not living, I'm just existing until I have a baby. But I need to concede that it may never happen. As much as it makes me cry just to type that sentence. It's the truth. It has cost so much, financially, spiritually and emotionally. It's not fair on my husband. I. Need. To. Move. On.

But in typical Louise fashion, why make a decision today when it can be put off until tomorrow. I think that I need one more try to be able to tell myself that I did everything I could. Its such a momentous decision. I have to live with this forever. I have to be sure. Fuck. I'm so upset that I have to deal with this shit. Why can't I just be deciding on whether or not to get a fucking tattoo!

Bad news day

The hpt this morning was negative.

I have not gone in for the blood test. Not strong enough today..... maybe tomorrow, maybe next week...

Hello again

Welcome back to Purgatory, weren't you just here in May?

I am a little bit pregnant, not very much, but more than last time.

My beta came back at 62.

Although Wednesday's pee stick was slightly darker, I knew it would be low but I was hoping for over 100. Now we have to wait until Monday for the next test.

I can't thank you enough for your support. I wish I had something more definitive for us to celebrate, but according to my husband I'm not one for doing things normally. I honestly would be lost without all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope to have better news on Monday.

Pee sticks are evil

This is my first experience with a positive pee stick before the blood test.
I think I'm doing it right; same brand, first pee of the day, more than 10 days after the trigger shot.
Yesterday's second line was faint.
This morning's was bordering on the invisible.
I have no symptoms.
I tried not to get excited. But in rode Hope wearing her full regalia on her fancy white horse, Moet in one hand, party shoes in the other. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her this morning. I imagine she's trying to sleep off a hangover in a corner somewhere, tiara askew, one shoe missing.
Today I'm confused and scared.
Mostly scared.
Why is my line disappearing?

Thursday afternoon is an age away.
How do I function like a sane person until then?

8dp5dt or 13dpo

The HPT this morning had a very faint second line!

Please continue doing whatever you are doing. Wish me up a big fat beta result on Thursday and real live take-home baby. Please.....

I do believe in Dr Weston, I do, I do

Midweek madness

Am I waiting for joy or waiting for heartbreak?

News on Monday was that out of 40+ follicles, 21 eggs, 10 embryos, and 2 blastocysts transferred - non of the remaining embryos were good enough to freeze. In fact, the nurse said they had all started to degenerate. Bugger.

Maybe they shouldn't give you this information until after the pregnancy test, because of course now my mind is thinking that if the rest of the batch were no good then there is no hope for the two transferred.

I am trying to push past this by spending embarrassing amounts of time just staring at photos of the Jolie.Pitt non-ivf twins, as if I can will the same into my uterus (though mine of course will be loud and proud ivf twins).

A funny thing happened at the transfer, besides leaving my wallet and phone (which my darling husband went back to collect the next day). My Doctor, whom I call Dr No because of his refusal to consider scientifically unproven treatments, told me to "just believe". Mind you, this was just after he told us of his personal 50% success rate, so perhaps I'm mistaken in thinking he meant I should believe in the universe giving me what I want or like in Peter Pan 'I do believe in fairies, I do, I do', perhaps he meant I should just believe in him. To cover all bases, I'm doing both.

Blast off!

I survived the early wake up call this morning and didn't smack anyone! I was so proud, but then I left my wallet and phone at the hospital, so not so happy with myself now.

There was another Dr on duty today but my new FS came in especially just to do my transfer. I think he has control issues, but still it was very nice of him. My other FS personally performed exactly none of my previous 9 retrievals and 8 transfers.

Anyway, I had 2 lovely looking blastocysts transferred into, I think, the fluffiest lining I have ever produced. So if this one doesn't work I'm not sure there is anywhere else for us to go, but that's a worry for another day.

Feeling very crampy, so its off to bed for this little black duck. Good luck to everyone cycling this month.

All set for transfer

7 little embies are still growing this morning, so everything looks set for a 2 blasty transfer tomorrow. Unfortunately I am booked in for 7.45am! I have two small problems with this; 1) we live about 2 hours from this clinic, and 2) I am not a morning person at the best of times. I am a very cranky woman if I have to get out of bed when the time starts with a 5 on a weekday, so on a Sunday, oh boy, its not gonna be pretty.

And while I'm having a whinge, can I just say that my insides hurt like a motherf*#^er when I sneeze, which is all bloody day! The things we put our self through....

“Any child I might possibly bear had better be an absolute angel. I’m talking breathtaking physical beauty and slavish obedience.”

One of my favourite quotes from Ovagirl's book Legs up & Laughing.