Thursday, 28 August 2008

Enter at your own risk

Be warned: following is a long, rambling, possibly incoherent post by an emotionally fragile middle-aged woman struggling to cope with the shitty cards life has dealt her, most recently two biochemical pregnancies in a goddamn row. Oh, and it will probably contain several swear words.

We met with Dr No the other night, and while he had no answers he was excited that we'd gotten so close. I expected all doom and gloom and 'you should be considering donor eggs', etc, and so burst into tears almost as soon as I sat down. Damn stupid emotions. But instead he said he was pleased with my egg quality and fertilisation rates and recommended that we try again. He said he didn't consider me old, or unhealthy, or obese (come to Australia WordGirl, we might well be the fattest nation but we live happily in denial!). While I admit to being the heaviest I have ever been, I have tried IVF 10kg lighter and had no joy then either so I don't really think weight makes any difference.

It's so frustrating to not know why IVF isn't working. All of the tests are clear, and for all intents and purposes I am perfectly 'normal'. My eggs and embyro's look okay but obviously just turn to shit after blastocyst stage. Or maybe I just have the womb of doom, which kills anything that even attempts to implant. Either way, it completely and utterly sucks.

I have become aware in the last six months that IVF has overtaken my life. I live, breathe and sleep TTC and IVF. While I am not yet willing to give up blogging, I am attempting to reclaim my life in all other areas. I have gone back to work full time, resigned from the IVF support group, and even spilled the beans to my brothers. Sadly I think this is my way of preparing to stop the TTC battle. My life has been in a holding pattern for too long now, it can't continue. I am not living, I'm just existing until I have a baby. But I need to concede that it may never happen. As much as it makes me cry just to type that sentence. It's the truth. It has cost so much, financially, spiritually and emotionally. It's not fair on my husband. I. Need. To. Move. On.

But in typical Louise fashion, why make a decision today when it can be put off until tomorrow. I think that I need one more try to be able to tell myself that I did everything I could. Its such a momentous decision. I have to live with this forever. I have to be sure. Fuck. I'm so upset that I have to deal with this shit. Why can't I just be deciding on whether or not to get a fucking tattoo!


Lisa said...

I wish I knew how to help. All of it sucks. You have been through hell trying to make this dream come true. Do what you need to do to protect yourself right now. Think about it, don't think about it, scream, cry, have a party, decide to quit, do quit, take a break, get right back on the horse . . . whatever feels right in the moment. You will know what to do when it comes right down to it, and your cyber buds will support it.

jungletwins said...

Wow, you are such a brave person to have gone through all of that. It always strikes me how unbelievably unfair infertility is. I remember talking to a nurse at the IVF center I went to- she said it devastated her and made her feel almost angry when some of the most wonderful, deserving women in the world who tried everything to have a baby just couldn't. I hope you get some relief from all the stress, whether you go through another cycle or not.

Joonie said...

You have been through so much both physically and emotionally. IF really does rule one's life, and everything else kind of gets put on hold or fades in the background. I'm glad you've made the decision to start living your life again. I know it's a cliche but we do only get one life.

Topcat said...

I am so so glad you posted that, and got it out. It's so fucking unfair it's beyond, I have no idea why this has happened. No sense to be made, my lovely.

I think, to give it one last hurrah .... sounds like a great idea. Not that you haven't been giving it everything you've got already!! Grrr!!


ps So your name Louise?? :)

Kenya said...

Oh no. I wish I knew what to say. I am just so sorry. I hope that God helps you make the right decision.

sara said...

I'm so sorry that you have to be faced with both the issue of an unsuccessful cycle as well as not knowing why the heck it hasn't worked. I think one of the worst things to be faced with is the unknown, and unclear answers. I can't even imagine how frustrating that must be. I'm so sorry about that. ((hugs))

Wordgirl said...

Oh Stepmonster..I thought I'd responded to this and then realized in checking in that I must've gotten interrupted in the middle of it -- because I remember laughing when I got to the part about Australia -- thinking to myself that so many women I adore now live there...and wouldn't you figure it -- it would be Australia -- so FAR from me.

I understand this idea of being on hold. I feel that way too -- and as if I am in this holding pattern -- waiting for the 'real life' to begin -- when I'm in this life now...I truly get it.

I'll be thinking of you and checking in often to see how you are...I've so valued your input and advice in stepmothering -- kept it close to my heart -- so selfishly I hope you keep posting...





Wordgirl said...

Just hi.

Arpee said...

I found you in Mel's (Stirrup) list of 35+ IF'ers. I;m sorry about the chemical pregnancy.

I admire your courage for 7 cycles of IVF though. And here I am still sitting on the fence on IVF #1.

Wish you well on your next steps!