Learning

I learnt a couple of things about myself whilst babysitting my 4mo nephew the other night.
1. I'm going to be a helicopter parent. I must have gone in every hour he was asleep just to make sure I could hear him breathing.
2. I actually felt quite confident and natural changing him and feeding him. Well it was only a few hours, he wasn't screaming and I wasn't sleep deprived. But they do have times like that don't they?
3. I love babies, always have, always will. Its when they get to 4 they become a bit annoying, and 10, and 15.
4. I'm a bit more excited about this than I have allowed myself to admit.

I started reading a babycare book my SIL had on the coffee table. In the introduction the author explained how she'd been mindful to include the experiences of same sex couples, but she obviously didn't mind excluding infertile couples. I suppose she didn't expect them to read her book. The rest of the intro was full of comments like; "when you have a baby you join the human race.... you become a member of an exclusive club..".

Although I can't technically call myself infertile anymore, I still find this sort of stuff so incredibly offensive. Childless people are not members of the human race? Are you kidding me? Sometimes I wonder how the hell I will ever fit into a fertile world that thinks this way. I can't imagine how I'll cope with things like "new mother's group". I'm far too old and prickly and cynical to be unleashed into the general populace.

I guess its my own fault, I shouldn't keep telling random strangers that I'm pregnant (well not really random as such, the lady at the pathology clinic, the lady at the dress shop, our financial manager at work), but still, if one more person tells me how much they loved being pregnant, to relax and enjoy it, to just go with the flow.... I will throttle them! Relax and enjoy? Are you serious? Do they not understand all the things that could go wrong? Bloody hell, I've never been so terrified in my life! Four weeks between scans is far, far too long, I'm feeling the need to pee on a stick.

DH on the other hand is relaxed about the baby but worried about me and my headaches. After years of nagging, I had promised if this past cycle failed that I would have them fully investigated. He read online this morning about an American woman who's baby was delivered by c-section 2 days after she suffered a fatal brain haemorrhage. Apparently having a baby without me would be like having a big TV and surround sound system, but no house. Gotta love those man metaphors.

He said that bub visited him in a dream. He said it was a boy with dark hair. He got the sense that he was very aware, very intelligent, and thought "this kid knows what's going on, I'll never have to worry about him". I had to laugh when he apologised for not asking his name.