Waiting

After kicking the cold I have been feeling quite well the past few weeks. I could sleep all day every day and have been doing very little. Some days, like today, I feel slightly queasy and light headed all day and need to eat constantly, but most days I feel fine until I find myself at the supermarket checkout behind someone with strong body odour or a roasted chicken in their trolley and I'm desperately looking for somewhere to barf.

I hope these things mean that all is going well. I'm mostly managing to keep the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) at bay but the upcoming 12 week ultrasound and pre-natal tests are keeping me awake at night. I've grown quite attached to this tiny nugget growing inside me and the thought of them finding something horrifically wrong and having to terminate scares the shit out of me.

I'm confused about the doom and gloom reaction from the clinic. Surely a 90% accurate test showing chromosomally normal cells from the transferred embryos would be cause for celebration and remove the need for more invasive genetic testing? But conversations with the Geneticist and FS, and literature they've sent me say these tests are even more important in my case. I understand that most of the abnormalities in the other embryos were really quite serious, but so serious they were considered unlikely to even implant let alone grow to this point. And the chance of an embryo having two different cell types is very rare, around 1-2% I think they said. I feel like they have scared me unnecessarily, but I can't seem to shake the fear.

I do feel confident that bub is still with me and still growing. I keep trying to tell myself that there is no history of chromosomal abnormalities in either family, that I may be old but I'm not that old, that bub has already passed this test once, that the odds are that everything will be alright and I'm worrying about nothing.

Only 20-something sleeps til we find out.....