Insanity

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Then this my friends is insane!

I am starting another cycle. Lucky 13.

Just waiting for the witch to make her appearance then I'm starting on the horrid Pill. If all goes well, embryo transfer should be in early November. The only change from last time is that we are adding Embryo Biopsy to the list of expenses. My Doctor moonlights as a nerdy scientist, so he wants to be able to understand and explain the implantation failure. The most likely culprit at my 'advanced' age is a chromosomal abnormality of the embryo. If nothing else, the biopsy may give us some answers and help us make some decisions about what to do next.

I'm feeling quite negative about the whole thing really. I think I'm preparing myself for the biopsy revealing bad news. Confirming once and for all that my eggs are old and crap and to continue would be useless. I probably need to hear this but I don't want to.

Bumped

I took my mother-in-law out for lunch today. I had invited my mother as well, but she was waiting on a phone call so couldn't make it! Her fourth Grandchild is due any day now you see. God forbid that she'd be wasting time with me when such important things are happening 100kms away from her.

Oh, I suppose I shouldn't be bitter. I think that my mother is jealous that she's not needed this time, my sister-in-law's mother is here from the UK, so all she can do is sit and wait for the announcement. But, really, I do get sick of being bumped for the Grandkids. Oh, and with every new baby celebration my mother turns to me and whispers "You should at least try to be happy for them". I am Mum, this grimace IS my happy face. ARRRRGGHHHH! I should never have told her!

I love my brother and his wife and I absolutely adore their 2 year old. I truly hope this baby is a boy, my brother will be an awesome dad to a son. But I can't wait until its all over so that we might talk about something else.

Catching up with my age

As a kid, life seemed to roll on so slowly didn't it? The school week would seem to stretch on forever, and the year between birthdays or Christmas was interminable. Now it all goes so fast, before I even wake up properly in the morning the week has gone! And the months are barely registering. It scares the bejeezus out of me. My husband must be the same as me; we have so many neglected projects at the moment that I wake at 3am and worry and berate myself until I am a buzzing ball of anxiety. I wonder if its just a winter thing, and now we are heading into Summer the days will become longer and I can get more done. I sure hope so. I'd really like to get more sleep.

Work has been so very busy lately, probably a good thing, to really focus on something. We seem to be having the kids over every weekend lately. Leading me to plee with DH "I just need one weekend without kids pleeese" which is kind of disconcerting considering that my main aim in life at present is to have a child myself. But these kids are teenagers, which is, like, totally different. They are selfish and messy and need constant attention and entertainment..... see the difference!!!

Whenever DH's kids are sick, they ring us. "I feel sick can I come to your house?" or "My throat is really sore... what should I do" or "Can Louise take me to the Dentist?" I don't know why they do this. Lately they've all been sick so DH's phone rings off the hook each night. Its great that they keep in such regular contact at their ages, but selfishly I'd occasionally just like an uninterupted evening with my husband.

On Saturday night Dh was about to drive 16yo Tiger to a party. Tiger was getting money out of his wallet and fussing with his hair, I saw DH looking intently at something on the back of the couch, then he quickly stuffed it into his pocket and they left. From my angle, the something on the couch was shiny red plastic about 2 inches square. After they left I suddenly thought OMG that was a condom! Thats why DH shoved it into his pocket so quickly! But Tiger's too young! He can't be having sex! He's just a boy! He still watches cartoon movies for god's sake and uses his baby voice to tell me he's "Hungy" or "Tirsty"! I didn't know whether to be worried or proud he was at least using condoms. When DH returned I learnt the red shiny thing was in fact a lolly wrapper!

Ironically, that night we sat with 13yo Rose and watched the movie Juno. I bawled almost all the way through it. Sadly, I had not thought to warn DH what it was about, so I noticed a few tears on his cheeks too. After it finished DH was giving me a hug in the kitchen, Rose came in, looked at my face and said "Soooo, that was a sad movie for you guys?". They don't know about IVF, mainly because we don't want their mother to know, but I thought that a simple "I'm Vanessa" would have been a great way to introduce it to her. Anyway she loved the movie but thought that the way the father and stepmother dealt with the news of the pregnancy was unrealistic. "All parents would skitz if their 16yo daughter got pregnant". Oh. Okay.

At the moment it seems that the Screaming Banshee has lightened her attacks on Rose, and now has Tiger in her sights. Every week lately she rings DH threatening to kick Tiger out of her house. I doubt that she will, because in her eyes keeping the kids with her means winning whatever twisted competition she thinks divorce is. But if she does, boy won't that shake things up around here. Am I ready for this? I have a theory that babies are small and cute and cuddly and smell so good, so that you still love them when they become aggressive, moody teenagers.

Enter at your own risk

Be warned: following is a long, rambling, possibly incoherent post by an emotionally fragile middle-aged woman struggling to cope with the shitty cards life has dealt her, most recently two biochemical pregnancies in a goddamn row. Oh, and it will probably contain several swear words.

We met with Dr No the other night, and while he had no answers he was excited that we'd gotten so close. I expected all doom and gloom and 'you should be considering donor eggs', etc, and so burst into tears almost as soon as I sat down. Damn stupid emotions. But instead he said he was pleased with my egg quality and fertilisation rates and recommended that we try again. He said he didn't consider me old, or unhealthy, or obese (come to Australia WordGirl, we might well be the fattest nation but we live happily in denial!). While I admit to being the heaviest I have ever been, I have tried IVF 10kg lighter and had no joy then either so I don't really think weight makes any difference.

It's so frustrating to not know why IVF isn't working. All of the tests are clear, and for all intents and purposes I am perfectly 'normal'. My eggs and embyro's look okay but obviously just turn to shit after blastocyst stage. Or maybe I just have the womb of doom, which kills anything that even attempts to implant. Either way, it completely and utterly sucks.

I have become aware in the last six months that IVF has overtaken my life. I live, breathe and sleep TTC and IVF. While I am not yet willing to give up blogging, I am attempting to reclaim my life in all other areas. I have gone back to work full time, resigned from the IVF support group, and even spilled the beans to my brothers. Sadly I think this is my way of preparing to stop the TTC battle. My life has been in a holding pattern for too long now, it can't continue. I am not living, I'm just existing until I have a baby. But I need to concede that it may never happen. As much as it makes me cry just to type that sentence. It's the truth. It has cost so much, financially, spiritually and emotionally. It's not fair on my husband. I. Need. To. Move. On.

But in typical Louise fashion, why make a decision today when it can be put off until tomorrow. I think that I need one more try to be able to tell myself that I did everything I could. Its such a momentous decision. I have to live with this forever. I have to be sure. Fuck. I'm so upset that I have to deal with this shit. Why can't I just be deciding on whether or not to get a fucking tattoo!

Bad news day

The hpt this morning was negative.

I have not gone in for the blood test. Not strong enough today..... maybe tomorrow, maybe next week...

Hello again

Welcome back to Purgatory, weren't you just here in May?

I am a little bit pregnant, not very much, but more than last time.

My beta came back at 62.

Although Wednesday's pee stick was slightly darker, I knew it would be low but I was hoping for over 100. Now we have to wait until Monday for the next test.

I can't thank you enough for your support. I wish I had something more definitive for us to celebrate, but according to my husband I'm not one for doing things normally. I honestly would be lost without all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope to have better news on Monday.

Pee sticks are evil

This is my first experience with a positive pee stick before the blood test.
I think I'm doing it right; same brand, first pee of the day, more than 10 days after the trigger shot.
Yesterday's second line was faint.
This morning's was bordering on the invisible.
I have no symptoms.
I tried not to get excited. But in rode Hope wearing her full regalia on her fancy white horse, Moet in one hand, party shoes in the other. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her this morning. I imagine she's trying to sleep off a hangover in a corner somewhere, tiara askew, one shoe missing.
Today I'm confused and scared.
Mostly scared.
Why is my line disappearing?

Thursday afternoon is an age away.
How do I function like a sane person until then?